The Truth About Charlie

This is, without a doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Even worse than Leprechaun 5. Yes, worse.

Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. Regina Lambert (Thandie Newton) comes home to her Paris apartment after a vacation to find that her philandering husband, Charlie, sold all of their possessions, emptied their bank account, and then went and got himself murdered. So that’s fun. The police commander, Jeanne (Christine Boisson) tells Regina that Charlie was a bad, bad man, with many different aliases and passports. Regina is counted as a suspect at first, until Commandant Jeanne realizes that Thandie Newton is hot and decides to flirt with her instead. An ostensibly random stranger, Joshua Peters (Mark Wahlberg) sees that Regina is emotionally vulnerable after all this murder and theft and whatnot, so he decides to comfort her in the hopes that he can get laid. Unfortunately for Joshua, his attempts are constantly thwarted by the presence of three not-so-sinister crooks who believe that Regina is in possession of a large loot of money that the late Charlie had supposedly stolen or something. One of these would-be intimidating crooks, it must be noted, is actually Buffalo Bill/James Gumb of Silence of the Lambs fame, who is apparently no longer interested in killing great big fat girls. Tim Robbins makes a dubious appearance as Mr. Bartholomew, a U.S. government agent who wants to help Regina find the missing money and return it to the government. Apparently no one informed Tim as to when the cameras were actually rolling, however, as he channels his inner Ben Stein (Bueller? Anyone? For red, dry eyes...), and literally delivers every line as fast as he can in complete monotone. You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you—but he honestly made absolutely no effort to actually act. Then again, maybe, like me, he was just bored as hell.

The three crooks attempt to terrorize Regina by each approaching her separately and warning her that Marky Mark is up to no good. For some reason, Regina takes the word of three people whom she suspects murdered her husband over that of someone who is helping her (even if it is just to get in her pants). Buffalo Bill/Great Big Fat Girl walks around with acupuncture needles sticking out of his head for no clear reason and periodically panics on trains or in elevators. Nothing really happens for the next two hours, except the characters keep changing their names and alternating between “good guy” and “bad guy.” I don’t know, perhaps this constant uncertainty is supposed to create tension. It didn’t.

Eventually the supposed climax of the movie arrives, and everyone figures out where Charlie hid the money. There is a ridiculous foot chase scene where Marky Mark chases one of the crooks up a staircase. The choreography for this sequence was so bad that it seemed like I was watching a home videotape of two kids playing cops and robbers. Marky Mark grabs Johnny Crooks-A-Lot by the feet and pulls him down the stairs. Then Johnny Crooks-A-Lot grabs Marky Mark’s ankles and pulls HIM down the stairs! Marky Mark will have none of that, so he retaliates by grabbing Johnny Crooks-A-Lot’s feet and pulling him back down the stairs for the second time. Thrilling.

“Best.” Chase scene. Ever. And I’m using the sarcastic quotation marks.

I haven’t even begun to clearly explain how bad The Truth About Charlie was. I could try, but unfortunately one has to actually see this carnage to believe it. Personally, I wanted to punch myself in the face repeatedly for having rented it.

Oh and Jake, this quote from the movie is for you: “Stamps?” “Ahhaahhhh.”