Driven

I’m not sure what this movie is based on, but it definitely isn't reality. The first indication I had that Driven was going to make absolutely no sense was when I noticed that Sylvester Stallone wrote the screenplay.

Stallone plays Joe Tanto, a retired driver who returns to racing at the request of his former team’s owner, Carl Henry (Burt Reynolds). Carl has a new rookie driver on the team who is rapidly rising to stardom, yet is having difficulty adjusting to life in the spotlight. Strangely enough, the rookie lacks the experience to deal with these issues, so Carl asks Joe to help Rookie Driver (Kip Pardue) learn the ropes. Or something. Rookie Driver’s main competition on the track is German driver Beau Schumach—I mean, Brandenburg (Til Schweiger), who should theoretically be the main antagonist in the movie, but instead turns out to be a really nice guy. This ambiguity is helpful for the climactic final race in the movie, as it distracts the audience from the ridiculousness as we struggle to decide whether we’re supposed to root for Beau or Rookie Driver.

Joe takes Rookie Driver under his proverbial wing, and inevitably he starts winning under Joe’s expert guidance. Apparently Joe has really gained a lot of wisdom and valuable experience during his time in, um, retirement. At one point, Rookie Driver throws a tantrum over his inability to steal Beau’s girlfriend, Sophia (Estella Warren), so he jumps in a racecar that is on display (yet helpfully filled with fuel) and takes off on a rampage through downtown Chicago. Joe grabs the other showcase car (also filled with fuel, which isn’t at all incongruous with the idea of having a car on display) and takes off after Rookie Driver. Eventually Joe talks some “sense” into Rookie Driver and thus quickly dispenses with the romantic tension plot point. Team owner Carl is quick to provide a new source of drama by telling Joe that Rookie Driver must finish first in every race or he will be fired. Burt Reynolds, never satisfied with second place. Especially not if one is a rookie—the older, more experienced driver on the team is allowed to finish in last place all he wants, but Burt will be damned if he’ll allow that kind of incompetence from a rookie! Reasonable enough.

Stallone wastes a lot of time with meaningless dialogue that is probably intended for plot development, but in actuality serves absolutely no purpose. There is also an unbelievably long and boring pre-race montage featuring shots of drivers putting on helmets and preparing for eminent death, apparently. Given the spectacular nature of the crashes in this movie, however, I would most likely prepare for death or at the very least severe dismemberment as well. There is one crash that occurs in the midst of a torrential downpour, as the concept of a rain delay was simply much too realistic. Rookie Driver and would-be bad guy Beau Brandenburg abandon the race in favor of helping the crashed driver escape from his overturned car that flew in the river and then leaked all its fuel and then caught fire and then a tree fell on it and then it fell down a ravine and then a stampede of elephants trampled on it. And then it exploded.

The list of absurd and completely unrealistic moments in this movie extends throughout the entire hour and 56 minutes of film, so if you decide to watch this movie then make sure you adequately brace yourself. The best way to do that is to walk past it in the video store. And don’t look back.