The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl in 3-D

I’m sure kids will like this movie, but I found it to be a bit tiresome and at times absurd.

The 3-D effects that Robert Rodriguez seems to insist upon using in his children’s movies (e.g. Spy Kids 12: Game Over, Man) were completely useless and extremely distracting. There are far more expensive ways to create a 3-D movie, and while I understand that Rodriguez is Johnny-Low-Budget-Director, I don’t see the point in using 3-D if it’s just going to look crappy on screen. I don’t know how many 3-D movies you might have seen lately, as it was a trend that went out of style back in the 80’s and all, but it’s almost impossible to see anything out of those ridiculous glasses because of the dark red lens on your left eye and blue lens on your right. Most of the color is therefore zapped out and you’re left squinting and crossing your eyes, all in an effort to see the fabulous 3-D bubbles that appear to float at your face. Wow, thank god that was in 3-D because otherwise it would have just been 2-D bubbles. And come on, that’s just lame.

Anyway, so Max is a nerdling whose parents (David freaking Arquette and Kristin Davis—Rodriguez doesn’t bother to give the parents actual names) fight a lot and might be getting a divorce. Max also has a really hard time making friends at school, so he retreats into his imagination and dreams of a far better, more desirable world. A world of drool. Yes, I can see how that would be much better. This dubious planet o’ fun is ruled by kids, chiefly Sharkboy and Lava Girl, who are the beloved superheroes of Max’s imagination. Max is discouraged from dreaming, however, by his friendly and well-intentioned teacher, Mr. Elecricidad, who encourages him to try and make friends in the real world. Max decides to take his advice, at which point his dreams (Sharkboy and Lava Girl) materialize in the real world using a random tornado (?) and enlist his help to save Planet Drool from destruction.

This is all well and good from a creative standpoint so far, so Max wanders around Planet Drool with Sharkboy and Lava Girl, trying to find an ice crystal that can save the planet or some damn thing. His classmate and friendly neighborhood bully, Linus, is cleverly renamed Minus in Planet Drool, and he evilly attempts to destroy the place in the same manner that he destroyed Max’s dream journal in real life. Sharkboy and Lava Girl will have none of that, as they would prefer not to be eliminated by some bully who is really just sad and lonely inside (as all bullies are of course). Lava Girl, amidst searching for the crystal, asks Max what her powers are every five minutes. Um, you’re made of lava. You’ve been shooting the stuff out of your hands throughout the whole stupid 3-D movie! But, I guess that particular power is simply not good enough. Sharkboy then takes the opportunity to chime in and bitch to Max about his lack of an army of sharks, all the while yelling at Max to please dream up some cool new stuff, yo.

All of this nonsense is supposed to convey the message, don't stop dreaming, damnit! The audience is mercilessly beaten with the message in 3-D every few minutes. I think it’s odd that the one grownup who doesn’t stop dreaming, David Arquette, is an unemployed loser on the verge of a divorce. Yet despite this obviously dismal future for dreamers, Sharkboy and Lava Girl tirelessly repeat the message to Max (and the visually assaulted audience) every two seconds. In 3-D.

You know, I’m sure that kids will enjoy this movie, but I can’t help but feel that there should be a standard for quality in kids’ movies. This one, while conceptually pretty creative, falls way short of the bar.