Mindhunters

This movie was, in short, completely ridiculous. In fact, I am convinced that the whole thing was written, produced and directed by a ten year old.

The concept of the story is good: 7 FBI profiler students on the cusp of graduation are secluded on an island for their final training simulation, along with a tag-along Philadelphia cop (LL Cool J). Standard procedure for the FBI, I’m sure. Once there, however, things go horribly awry and the profilers start dying by means of elaborate deathtraps, rigged by an unknown serial killer. Each deathtrap is set to go off at a specific time, so the considerate killer leaves wristwatches around the island to help the profilers determine at what time one of them will be killed next. How thoughtful.

Each of the profilers has exactly one trait, and one trait only, about their personality, which the killer then targets as a weakness. The deathtraps are specifically designed for a particular profiler’s weakness, so it’s a good thing that these people are so incredibly predictable, such that the precise victim encounters the correct trap at the precise moment that he/she is supposed to. Inevitably, they all start pointing fingers at LL Cool J, as he is the newcomer and must therefore be a serial killer. At no point is it assumed that the killer could be, I dunno, hiding out somewhere on the island. No, that’s just madness! Furthermore, it’s a good thing that all these tools were on-hand for the killer to use in setting up the traps. Hey, look, 50 million dominos are inexplicably lying around—I shall painstakingly set them up for use in a needlessly sophisticated deathtrap!

This is the point in the movie at which you start to get confused. First of all, if these people are presumably so intelligent, then why the hell are they acting like absolute idiots?! Seriously—I can accept that a group of teenagers (or college students even) will be completely devoid of common sense, but if you present me with a group of FBI profilers at the top of their graduating class, then it’s going to be difficult for me to watch them being total morons. For example, as people ostensibly trained in high pressure situations, it’s annoying to see them panicking and freaking out every five minutes. It’s tiresome to see them making the dumbest decisions, like chaining the wheelchair-ridden profiler to a desk and then telling him to find a hiding spot. Um…? Dude, he’ll probably have a better chance at survival if you allow him the use of his wheelchair! But, perhaps not, maybe he prefers to drag himself at an excruciatingly slow pace around the facility.

The movie gives up any pretense of continuity at the end. The profilers are whittled down to three, at which point the killer is revealed. This is great and all, except that given the ending, the revelation makes absolutely no sense. I always enjoy twists at the end of movies, but only when they have been prepared. In this case, the twist is haphazardly inserted at the end in blatant conflict with the plot and previous ten minutes of film.

We. Have. Derailed.

If you must see Mindhunters, at least wait for the DVD. Don’t spend $10 to have this movie insult your intelligence, and apparently, the competence of the FBI.