Stealth

Hollywood is obviously working under the assumption that the movie-going audience is now completely incapable of intelligent thought, and when they release movies like Stealth, which is clearly designed to destroy neural matter, they basically assure themselves that what little is left of our collective intelligence will eventually be eliminated entirely.

The basic premise of Stealth is that three Navy pilots, Ben (Josh Lucas), Kara (Jessica Biel), and Henry (Jamie Foxx) are selected to help the Navy test a new stealth jet with the ability to think for itself. EDI or “Eddy” is made of "electroplastic fiber metal carbon plating," and has a ridiculously effeminate voice. The director (Rob Cohen, who also brought us XXX: State of the Union) would have done just as well to use Pee-Wee Herman’s vocal talents for it. I mean if I’m going to laugh every time I hear the thing talk, then it might as well be intentional. Otherwise, when Eddy goes berserk and starts off on a murderous rampage through the sky, I’m going to have difficulty taking it seriously as a sinister weapon of artificial intelligence, especially when it says stupid things like, “it is good to be part of a squadron,” etc…

Supposedly Ben, Kara, and Henry are the very bestest pilots in the entire Navy, which they demonstrate during the opening sequence with their amazing abilities to shoot non moving objects on the ground. Truly, the skills achieved by our military pilots are remarkable, testing the very limits of human capability. I mean they can shoot stuff that doesn’t move! Ben is in love with Kara and Kara is in love with Ben, but they can’t act upon their undying love due to the Navy’s strict rules against romantic fraternization. The director wastes about a cumulative hour on meaningful looks and subtextual exchanges between the two in a failed attempt to add suspense at later points in the movie when it becomes unclear whether they will both survive. Jamie Foxx’s character, Henry, has no real purpose in the movie other than to convincingly portray a “cool” pilot. We know he’s cool because he listens to rap music and twirls a basketball on his finger—at one point in the film every stereotypical action and behavior that could possibly be displayed by Henry is done so within the span of literally 10 seconds.

Eventually, EDI/Eddy understandably gets fed up with the ridiculousness surrounding it and attempts to destroy the movie. I could hardly blame it. There were so many absurdities and clichés in Stealth that it would be impossible for me to list them all. Seriously, think of any and every movie cliché that you can, and I promise you it’s in this film. The team is out on its first test run with Eddy, and an emergency mission comes through! Oddly enough, they’re the only team within range so they must abort the training and go off on a serious military operation. Uh huh. Turns out that they get sent on not only one, but two emergency missions, and both times they must destroy terrorists who are meeting to plan an attack on the U.S. with stolen nuclear warheads or something. As the pilots approach their targets, the terrorists raise their guns in the air and fire randomly. Typical. Because they really do that, you know.

The film finally ends, but not before presenting the surviving team with yet one more obstacle, over and over, for about 20 minutes. They destroy a watchtower. Then there’s one last remaining bad guy shooting at them. Then comes one last helicopter. Oh my god, just end! Obviously, I recommend that you skip Stealth.