Hostel

Reviewed by Special Guest Reviewer Josh

To say Hostel was disappointing would be like saying that Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson was unexpected. This movie had been played up so much that I made sure one of my housemates was going to be home tonight just so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. Instead, I should watch The Shining before I go to sleep.

What was so sad about this movie was that it started off so promisingly. The first thirty minutes started like this: "Amsterdam, motherfuckers!," drugs, hot women, drinking, more hot women, sex, hookers, sex, tits, sex, tits, tits, tits, sex, train ride, tits, drugs, sex, drugs, tits, tits, sex. How could anything go wrong? Seriously, if the movie ended there, I would have given it an oscar rating.

Let me tell you a little bit about the plot (plot being used extremely liberally). Two college buddies, a white boy named Josh and a mexican-american guy named Paxton who speaks German (WTF?), are backpacking in Europe after graduating from college and try to get laid as often as possible. In Amsterdam, they stay out too late and their hostel is closed because it's after curfew. (By the way, do hostels ever close? I've never been to Amsterdam, but isn't that why they're called hostels?! I remember staying at a hostel in Fairbanks, AK and these crazy German guys were singing drinking songs at the top of their lungs at 5am. But I digress.)

Since they're waking up EVERYONE in Amsterdam, the police are coming. A kind-hearted Russian guy hears them and tells them to climb up to his room. While his roommate is having sex, he tells them about a hostel in Slovakia where there are hot women with insatiable sex-drives. They don't buy it at first until they see the pictures on his camera-phone. They decide to go to Slovakia. Sure enough, the Russian was right.

Meanwhile (and not coincidentally), there's a place in Slovakia where people can pay to do whatever they want to someone (kinda like the US Army without any accountability).

If you've seen the previews, you can guess what happens next. Even if you can't, the movie is so predictable that you know what's going to happen ten minutes before it actually does. There's absolutely no suspense in this movie and never once was it scary.

There are good parts to this movie. The first thirty minutes were very entertaining (and not just because of the boobs). Jay Hernandez played the role of Paxton really well--almost too convincingly since no one else seemed to be playing their roles with the same complexity. The gore was gratuitous and good. Some of the things that happen to people in this movie are downright awful. But without the suspense, it lessened the impact--kind of like non-alcoholic beer: it has the taste, but you don't ever feel it.

The ending was a complete letdown and included one of the most idiotic escape scenes ever. Apparently in Slovakia, you can only see 10 feet in front of your face.

After reflecting on Hostel, I feel like Eli Roth was trying to use this as a vehicle for some sort of social commentary. Sadly, I don't know what it was.
Possible social commentary #1: Paying for prostitutes is bad.
PSC #2: Everyone should be bilingual.
PSC #3: Americans are not really looked upon favorably, so we should work on improving our image. Although our embassies are not to be trusted so never go there when you run into trouble.
PSC #4: Anything that comes easily is probably really bad.
PSC #5: Buy a camera phone, especially one that works in Europe
PSC #5: If you want a toe, I can get you a toe.

My suggestion is to watch some porn movie clips, then watch a video of a hip replacement surgery. You will have saved yourself ten bucks. Better yet, go to some other movie early and sneak in to watch the first thirty minutes of Hostel.

However, it is somewhat entertaining, so wait for Netflix.