In the Mix

Why can’t Usher just do semi-biographical movies like every other self-respecting rapper? At least that way I would have left the theater feeling somewhat inspired rather than catatonic.

In the Mix does not, unfortunately, tell the story of how Usher rose to fame from humble beginnings; instead, it tells the monstrously predictable story of how Darrell (Usher), a popular DJ with aspirations of owning his own record label, falls in love with long-time family friend, Dolly (Emmanuelle Chriqui), the daughter of Jersey mob boss Frank Paccelli (Chazz Palminteri). At Frank’s request, Darrell agrees to DJ for Dolly’s homecoming party, wherein the audience is forced to tolerate the maddening demeanor of Frank Junior (Anthony Fazio), who is clearly meant to be over-the-top (success) and zany (failure) but is mostly just annoying as all get out. The characters are enjoying this extremely boring party, when suddenly Darrell can see events in slow motion! This is certainly lucky, because it allows him to perceive an attempted drive-by shooting, and then continue moving at normal speed such that he can dive in front of Frank and take the bullet, even though he was halfway across the room when the shooter pulled the trigger. Superman himself would have been proud. Frank decides that Dolly now needs protection wherever she goes, but Dolly is stereotypically headstrong and doesn’t like any of the available body guards—well, this is understandable, because when she surveys the three contenders, one of them is eating a sandwich, which clearly shows that he’s a disgusting slob. Gross! And besides, since Darrell apparently possesses abilities far beyond those of mortal men, he’s the most logical choice by far.

It gets worse. Much, much worse. Dolly is all cross with Darrell for being her bodyguard despite the fact that she chose him in the first place (?), so she devises a clever strategy to make him quit by taking him to a spa. Not since Hilary Duff in the 2005’s smash hit, The Perfect Man, has such a genius Machiavellian plan been conceived, yet shockingly, it does not succeed! Several mind-numbing scenes, vacuous strings of dialogue, and archetypal characters later, the ending that we all knew was going to occur finally made its appearance with shocking new levels of idiocy. One of the worst “dying” lines in the history of cinema is uttered, and an excruciating wrap-up scene is forced upon the audience. I absolutely could not bring myself to watch the snapshot scenes during the credits, so I cannot speak to their entertainment value or likely lack thereof.

The underlying plot itself is not necessarily without merit, however it is perhaps told in the most boring and aggravating manner conceivable. As this veritable train wreck of a movie began careening itself toward my own personal hell, I started to consider the possibility that it was perhaps written with the intention of being hideous, which would present the audience with an opportunity to laugh—much like the Leprechaun franchise. It was simply too oversimplistic and horrendously written to be taken seriously, so surely it must have been intentional. Amazingly, however, even this “derisive enjoyment” approach failed as soon as one of the characters invariably attempted to give the audience a “serious moment,” perhaps in a vain attempt to showcase acting abilities that simply did not exist (with the exception of Chazz Palminteri).

I only recommend this movie to masochists. Seriously, just pull out that $10 bill and torch it, because it’s a better use for the money.