Hoosier Revue

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

2007-06-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has read a few of my reviews knows that I can put up with a lot of nonsense in movies. I don't mind over-reliance on CGI, confusing plots, surprise twists, or even movies claiming to be 2+ hours that actually seem more like 6. But if there's one thing that I cannot stand, it is the opening of a seemingly interesting plot line that is subsequently never resolved or even addressed again. In Pirates 3, I swear to god, there are easily three or four interesting twists introduced, none of which go anywhere at all.

It's wasn't so bad though--there were some great piratey action scenes, the special effects were really well done, and the plot itself, while somewhat convoluted at times, was all in all intriguing. Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow was as amusing as ever, Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Swann was still hot, as well as suddenly and inexplicably a badass with a sword, and Orlando Bloom as Will Turner remained as boring as ever.

The cast of characters includes pretty much everyone from the first two movies, as well as a few new faces--so needless to say there are about a squillion people to keep track of. Elizabeth, Will, the resurrected Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), and many, many others set off to rescue Jack from Davy Jones' locker (i.e. purgatory of some sort) after he was eaten by the Kraken in the 2nd film. Afterward they must join together with all the pirate lords in order to make a final stand against the evil Dutch East India Trading Company which has been evilly using Davy Jones and his vessel, The Flying Dutchman, to evilly rid the seas of all pirates. Everyone cheers for the pirates to win so that the seas can once again become...well not really safe for anyone being that pirates are not so much lighthearted and funny but rather more interested in pillaging, plundering, and killing off their victims. So...thanks for that, Disney.

Anyone who enjoyed the first two movies will probably like this one as well, as it is fairly consistent in terms of style and imagination to its predecessors. However it is certainly not without its faults, and like Pirates 2 I think a good half hour of some rather dull and pointless scenes could easily have been trimmed off. The first Pirates movie is still far and away better than its sequels, but if you have a spare 6 hours and free popcorn refills, then it's not a horrible way to spend an afternoon.

Movies en France

2007-05-31T19:06:00.001-07:00

Clearly the key to seeing movies in France is seeing them "version originale," as in watching them in English--because trust me, there is nothing worse than hearing "Je m'appelle Bond, James Bond." I love France and all, but a part of me died that day, so I'm anxious to get home and watch something horrifically American like Alien vs Predator or something along those lines. Anyway, while I did see Spiderman 3 (or "speedermahn twahh" as I now think of it) and various other movies, my husband and I have been keeping a non-movies related blog about our half-year here in France if anyone is interested: http://seevooplay.blogspot.com

I just watched Zodiac yesterday (in English so I could actually follow the story), so I'm thinking of posting a review--but honestly, only the non-crappy American movies make it out here, so I have a feeling that the review won't be quite so interesting to read (blah blah blah it's really great). I should really think about changing Hoosier Review to be "I watch crappy movies so you don't have to," even if it means watching "Little Man" and "In the Mix." Isn't it awesome that I don't even know what the crappy movies being released in the US right now are?

HoosierRevue is moving to France

2007-01-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I think it's pretty obvious by now that HoosierRevue is going to have to change. I can't write reviews for every movie, but I can't quite give it up entirely. So, with my upcoming move to France, I'm going to give HoosierRevue the facelift that it so desperately needs. I'm still going to review movies--just not all of the movies as I had been doing at first. Although I'll be seeing everything "en francais" for the next six months, they still get the same movies in France that we get in the States, so I won't be reviewing any nonsense that no one else is going to see. This way when I come back from France and start law school, I'll still be able to do what I've always wanted to do, which is watch movies and write about them.

And sorry for all the delay. I kept thinking that I had to get back into HoosierRevue in full force or not at all. And since I couldn't do full force...well it became not at all for a while. Obviously.

Lady in the Water

2006-08-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

I realize this will be a rather controversial opinion of M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water, but I have to say that I really liked this movie. It's basically the same deal as his other films in terms of speed, dialogue, and visual style, yet much less dependent on the surprise twist(s) at the end. And although I happen to enjoy twists quite a bit, what I most liked about this particular M. Night Shyamalan movie was its creativity. It's pure fantasy--not taken from a book or a remake of an earlier film from the 50's, not based on a comic book or a cartoon or tv show, but a completely original story. It's like the endangered species of movies...unless you count indie films I guess. But those are just weird.

I mean if you hate the fantasy stuff then don't bother, you'll just hate this movie. It's pretty much that simple.

So Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti), the building superintendent for The Cove apartment complex, discovers a beautiful naked woman swimming in the pool late one evening. He is strangely annoyed by this turn of events and angrily demands that she vacate the pool immediately...perhaps more clever than I thought actually, especially considering that instead of giving her a robe of some sort, he merely gives her one of his button-down shirts to wear for the remainder of the movie. No pants, no shorts. Just the shirt.

The mysterious naked chick turns out to be a narf, "artfully" named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), who has to see some guy or something before she can return to her world, the Blue World. It wouldn't be much of a story if there wasn't some monstrous creature determined to rip her to shreds, however, so in order to get back to her world safely she must elude the ever-present and vigilant scrunts who lay in wait for her. Eventually Cleveland learns of the mythology that explains Story's existence and ultimate goal, but in order to protect her from the fearsome beasts/scrunts, he has to decipher the true meaning behind the story itself and find the specific tenants at The Cove who possess crucial hidden powers.

One gets the definite feeling that Shyamalan loves stories that come together through a destiny foretold in small subtle clues throughout the film. And I'm not complaining, because it's nice to indulge in the fantasy world once in a while. It's true that the story is admittedly a little silly when you think about it, but what made it interesting was the gradual release of information spread evenly throughout the movie. It kept my curiosity going and allowed me ease into the whole narf/scrunt/blue world thing. I mean this is, after all, a story that Shyamalan told to his children at bedtime, so it has the innocence of a childhood fairytale mixed with a few frightening scenes and a storyline that ties together well at the end.

Again, though, it's all fantasy and mystery with a little bit of thriller mixed in, so you have to be into that kind of thinking before you'll enjoy a movie like this. I happened to like it quite a bit, so although almost every critic in America vigorously disagrees with me on this issue, I am going to recommend the movie to those who like mysteries that let their imaginations run wild. And yes, it's still somewhat of a silly movie.

The Omen

2006-06-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

I usually go into these demon/ghost/monster thriller movies fully prepared to be disappointed at the lack of full-on terror and creepiness. Thankfully The Omen, while not the scariest movie I've ever seen, definitely delivered on creep factor and tension, as well as the occasional "fling-your-candy-across-the-room-in-shock" moments. For a remake in particular, it's pretty good.

The story opens in the Vatican, where the clergy are momentarily diverted from condemning "The Da Vinci Code" by the sudden appearance of a comet over Rome. Surely this astronomical phenomenon can best be explained as being caused by the birth of Satan incarnate, so the bishops convene for a power point presentation on the apocalypse and discuss what is to be done about this unsettling turn of events--which is apparently nothing at all. No seriously, Satan has literally begun his attack on the world, but the Vatican cannot be bothered with such trivialities as sending a few reinforcements out to investigate and lend a helping hand--there are still blasphemous books to attend to.

Elsewhere in Rome, the spawn of Satan has indeed been born, coincidentally on the same night as a U.S. Ambassador's son. Unfortunately for the Ambassador, Robert Thorn (Live Schreiber), his son supposedly did not survive the complications during birth, so the hospital staff decides that the best option would be to convince Thorn to instead swap for Damien (aka the spawn of Satan). I don't blame them, really. I would try to pawn that thing off on the first person I could find too. So they do.

Apparently everything goes well for a few years until Damien reaches age 6 or so, at which time he decides it's about time he got on with destroying mankind. Somehow the Thorns have not seen any horror movies because they completely miss the fact that their kid is quite obviously evil as all get out. I mean take one look at the kid's eyes, the fact that he never speaks, breaks into cold sweats around churches, and oh yeah, can telepathically command dogs to rip people's throats out if anyone comes near him. Seriously, way to have your kid baptized, people. The fate of the world now hangs in the balance and all you really had to do was splash some holy water on the little urchin and save everyone the trouble.

Meanwhile, some crazy random priest shows up to warn Thorn that Damien will destroy the world, and then strongly encourages Thorn to kill his son as a sort of, I don't know, preemptive strike or something. Thorn is strangely reluctant to stab his own son to death, however. You know, if you're going to tell some guy to kill his child, I would venture to say that the best approach would not be to simply blurt out that the kid is the spawn of Satan and that his real mother was a jackal. I'd probably try to ease into that subject a little bit. Maybe sandwich the destruction of the world part with a compliment or two to keep the guy from getting defensive.

I thought this movie was pretty good overall and definitely scary, although it didn't have anything that will necessarily creep me out for several weeks. Thankfully it doesn't completely depend on constantly startling the audience in order to be frightening, as the basic premise of the movie itself seems to be enough to accomplish that. There are plenty of disturbing images and enough tension to freak someone out for a few hours, which is fairly satisfying for a thriller. Worth a look if you're in the mood for something scary.

V for Vendetta

2006-03-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

After hearing so much negative buzz about this movie for its supposed glorification of terrorism, I must admit to being slightly bewildered by this attitude toward the film now that I have seen it for myself. I don't recall that the hero of the movie, V (Hugo Weaving), ever targets civilians, and furthermore he fights against a ruthless Nazi-like dictatorship set in the future. The viewer does not want the citizens of this future England to remain enslaved to their government, so V is an exceptionally easy character for whom to root in his struggle to restore freedom throughout the galaxy... or just England for the time being. This was easily one of the best movies I have seen in a while, with its amazing but understated special effects, consistently engaging plot, wonderful acting on all counts, and exceptionally well-written dialogue. While the movie was just over 2 hours long, I was keenly interested in everything that happened for literally every second, which honestly, is really quite rare. There were no stretches of drawn-out dialogue, overextended fight scenes, or elongated musical montages to fill up time. And I still can't think of any huge plot holes.

Evey (Natalie Portman), lives in a dismal future, wherein wars and plagues have killed millions of people worldwide, causing the total collapse of the United States and plunging England into a society that is entirely dominated and controlled by its government. Where the citizens once lived in fear for their lives over a widespread and devastating plague, they now live in fear of their government, which censors everything and seeks to control every aspect of their lives. Evey works for British Telecasting Company (formerly the BBC I assume), and as she is out late one night past curfew, she is attacked and nearly raped by a gang of civilian police. Shockingly, at the last possible second, the masked V shows up and saves her, putting on an impressive display of non-lethal combat. After speaking nonsensically for a minute or two and then having to assure Evey that he is not, in fact, a crazy person, he takes her up to a rooftop where she can watch him blow up an empty government landmark.

While Chancellor Sutler tries to spin the explosion into a "planned emergency demolition," V sets out on a campaign to fire the people up so that they will throw off their repressive government and take back the freedoms they had willingly given up out of fear. V promises that in one year, on the 5th of November, he will blow up the Parliament building, and asks his fellow countrymen to join him outside for the event. During the course of the year, V seeks vengeance upon certain government officials who had tormented him years earlier, while Chief Inspector Finch (Stephen Rea) attempts to unmask the villain/hero before he can deliver on his destructive promise.

What I liked about this movie was that it conveyed a lot of idealistic thoughts on freedom over oppression, as well as the basic comic book fight between good vs evil. Despite a rather awkward introduction to V at the beginning, and once I managed to get over the fact that the mask's lips don't move when V talks, I found his character to be almost ridiculously intriguing. We learn that he has a horrible disfigurement which motivates him to hide behind the Guy Fawkes mask, as well as a haunted past that ultimately drives him to fight against the evils in the world, both tangible and intangible. The acting was simply incredible in this film, and it's amazing the difference between Natalie Portman as Evey and Natalie Portman as Padme/Amidala in Star Wars. The effects were also quite nifty, but not overdone or constantly made to be the entire focus of a scene, which in effect gave the movie a much more realistic feel to it despite some unrealistic acrobatics here and there. There's also a great display of some hilarious British comedy that drastically lightened the mood but also served as a poignant example of the government's stifling oppression.

V for Vendetta was still a fairly dark film, and there are elements of the plot that are shockingly disturbing, one of which is the question of how long it must have taken the filmmakers to set up an elaborate domino design without accidentally knocking them over before it was completed. But aside from that, it's an incredibly interesting story that was beautifully executed. I can't recommend this movie enough, especially for comic book fans, but also for anyone who enjoys deep and elaborate action movies with real meaning behind them. It was exciting and interesting during every second, and you can bet that I'll be in theaters to watch it again this weekend.

Failure to Launch

2006-03-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

This movie was much less formulaic than I had anticipated, with unexpected spurts of slapstick and wonderfully entertaining supporting characters. The plot itself, while admittedly implausible, was still refreshingly new if nothing else, which made this movie both surprising and funny. I definitely recommend it for a date movie or all girls excursion.

Tripp (Matthew McConaughey) is 35 years old, has a stable job that he enjoys, and an exceptionally easy time picking up women. He also has the perfect mechanism by which to dump said women without actually having to do the dumping--anytime a woman starts to get too serious about him, he takes her home to his place whereupon she is horrified to discover that he still lives with his parents. Apparently he is not alone in his parental dependence, however, as his two best friends, Demo (Bradley Cooper) and Ace (Justin Bartha) also live with their parents but for very different and completely understandable reasons. Tripp's parents have finally decided that they would rather have their house to themselves and enjoy their retirement, so they hire Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker) to make Tripp fall in love with her, thus boosting his confidence and motivating him to move out of the house...whereupon Paula will pulverize his heart and newly-formed confidence by promptly breaking up with him. Haha! But, you know, his parents will have him out of the house so there is a silver lining to this cloud. Anyway, Paula realizes immediately that Tripp is not her normal client. He's not a computer geek, isn't obsessed with Star Wars, enjoys a myriad of athletic outdoor activities, and is of course a total babe. Rather than bother with attempting to find out why this seemingly confident and well-adjusted man is unable to move out of his parents' house, Paula simply goes through the normal routine: have a memorable first meeting, pretend to enjoy activities that he likes, have him comfort her through an emotional crisis, and let him teach her something. Apparently after a client has completed all of these steps, he is not only in love with Paula but is ready to move out of his parents' house. And since Tripp seems to be cruising through all the steps much too easily for the program to be working, Paula attempts to get to know this complicated guy a little better. No, she doesn't do that. She rubber stamps him through all the steps and then is confused when the results are not what she expected.

As I said, the plot itself is just a tad implausible, but regardless it was still fun to watch. More than anything else, the supporting characters made this movie funny. There were several "when animals attack" subplots that were completely unexpected and made me laugh out loud just for the silliness of it all, and both Tripp's friends and Paula's roommate, Kit (Zooey Deschanel) were consistently hysterical--mostly because they were exaggerated, but again, unexpectedly so.

I really enjoyed this movie because it was refreshingly original and didn't take itself seriously in the least. The entire tone of the movie was carefree and lighthearted, and I had fun watching it. While it's not the funniest romantic comedy I have ever seen, it is one of the better ones that have come out lately. Funny, cute, worth the money.

16 Blocks

2006-03-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

While 16 Blocks kind of drags in some parts, and then ended about 20 minutes after I was ready for it to wrap up, overall the movie was fairly decent. Still, as it was really nothing special, it's definitely a DVDer.

Detective Jack Mosley (Bruce Willis) is an run-down old cop who is long past the point of caring about anything but his next drink, making him precisely the kind of redeemable character that everyone wants to root for. Before he can learn a valuable lesson about how wonderful life can be, however, he must first transport Eddy Bunker (Mos Def), a small-time thief, something like 16 (or so) blocks to the courthouse for a grand jury hearing. This menial task turns a bit more challenging when two gunmen attempt to shoot Eddy during transport, forcing Mosley to forgo his next drink in favor of saving Eddy's life. When Mosley calls his former partner, Frank Nugent (David Morse), in for backup, he is horrified to discover that Frank is less interested in helping Mosley safely deliver Eddy to the courthouse for his testimony, and instead much more excited about shooting Eddy in the head. This falling rather firmly into the "bad" category of possible courses of action, Mosley decides that he'd rather shoot one of the cops in the knee and escape with Eddy. Frank simply can't allow Eddy to testify at this hearing lest he and 6 other cops lose their jobs in disgrace, so he and his gang of corrupt cops set out after Mosley to stop him before he gets those 15-17 blocks to the courthouse. The rest of the movie consists of a series of run-ins and close escapes, while Mosley tries to protect his extremely talkative witness and maybe even learn to love life again through an unlikely friendship.

The decision making skills in this movie are quite questionable, inasmuch as whenever Mosley is presented with two possible courses of action, one being logical and likely to succeed, the other being extremely irrational and fraught with danger, he always goes for the crazy option. The same is true for the gang of corrupt cops; it's imperative that they kill Eddy simply because he is an eyewitness to their wrongdoing, but apparently the hundreds of bystanders who witness the cops trying to murder Mosley and Eddy are somehow less of a problem. Personally I don't think that anyone needed to testify that Frank was a bad guy--it was obvious from the start because he was chewing gum the whole time. Bad cops in particular always chew gum.

As I said, this was a decent movie. The action scenes were fairly entertaining, but probably would have been a lot more fun to watch if they weren't separated by such long stretches of boring dialogue and predictable character development. The acting was good, the dialogue was decent if not a little dull at times, and the action was fine. All in all it was the epitome of an average movie--worth a rent but I doubt a case could be made for one to see it in theaters.

Ultraviolet

2006-03-07T22:21:00.000-08:00

Much to my disappointment there were very few things about this movie that were actually good. There were some really awesome looking sci-fi effects which were used over and over and over again until they completely lost their novelty, some other effects that were sadly underused, and then great costume design and well choreographed fight scenes. Now normally, even with a bit of bad dialogue, this would still be sufficient material for the makings of a decently entertaining sci-fi/comic booky/fantasy/action flick. But, unfortunately, Ultraviolet simply tanked.

Violet (Milla Jovovich) is part of a group of people who have been infected with some genetically engineered virus, which, created by the military, was intended to produce superhuman soldiers. The hemophage virus was accidentally released into the general population, however, and as is the case with so many epidemics, the government decided to simply isolate and summarily execute all those infected rather than spend time and money on finding a cure. Those hemophages, as they are called, who escaped went into hiding and eventually formed a resistance in order to avoid being exterminated. Oh and apparently the virus made hemophages into vampires or something, which made very little sense since they grew fangs but didn't drink blood, and seemed to only have a slight sensitivity to light or god knows what. Since the plot wasn't forthcoming with any explanations of any kind whatsoever, I had to assume that this growth of vampire fangs was just another random symptom that the government engineered solely to make their supersoldiers look fierce.

Violet is sent to intercept a new weapon that Vice Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus (Nick Chinlund) has developed in order to completely wipe out all the remaining hemophages at once, but upon opening the super secret weapon case, she discovers that this dangerous new threat is merely a small boy named Six who refuses to speak. The silent treatment: deadly. As with all children though, he can't maintain his silence for long, and he tells Violet that he was created in a laboratory with antigens in his blood that, if released into the atmosphere, would instantly kill any hemophage. The mean hemophage leader wants to kill the boy so that his blood can't, um, kill all of them, but Violet insists that murdering children is wrong. Mean Hemophage Leader asks for a show of hands of those who have a problem with killing kids, and when it seems that Violet is all alone in her righteousness, she has to go ahead and kick everyone's ass yet again and escape with the boy.

After a ridiculously dull and uncreative government conspiracy is revealed, Violet has some more cringe-inducing lines of dialogue delivered with about as much enthusiasm as Ben Stein, before ending with a few anticlimactic showdowns. I can't stress enough how disappointed I was in this movie. I mean it really doesn't take much for me to like a sci-fi film--I don't care if there's some bad dialogue, questionable acting, unrealistic stunts, or confusing plots; just show me some great effects and good choreography along with a plot that isn't completely uninspiring, and there's a great chance that I'll walk away feeling pleased. But this was too much. On top of the dispirited acting and insufferable dialogue, the plot was so boring and stupid that I couldn't get into this movie at all, and I couldn't have cared less about the characters or the outcome.

I would rent Ultraviolet on DVD just to see some of the special effects, but don't waste too much money on this one.

Date Movie

2006-03-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

This movie was quite a bit of fun, with the expected amount of spoofs, immature yet funny slapstick, and a variety of other unsophisticated yet still quite entertaining jokes. I doubt there are any surprises here, but for those who like silly, ridiculous comedies then this one will not disappoint.

Julia Jones (Alyson Hannigan), an amalgam of Bridget Jones and Toula Portokalos from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, is single, overweight, and extremely lonely. Her father, Frank (Eddie Griffin), employs her at the family's restaurant and constantly attempts to set her up with the undesirable yet culturally compatible handyman Nicky. Julia resists, however, and instead hires Hitch (Tony Cox) to make her hot and fix up her love life, which he does by entering her in The Extreme Bachelor where she meets Grant Funkyerdoder (Adam Campbell). After several mini spoofs, the two decide to get married, and the movie moves into full-on Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers mockery, which works surprisingly well. Grant introduces Julia to his best friend, Andy (Sophie Monk), who turns out to be a gorgeous but conniving seductress, and she does her very best to break up the wedding.

As with the Scary Movie films, there were a squillion references to countless different date movies, and most were pretty hilarious. I was impressed with the screenwriters' ability to make a comedy about other comedies, and most of their spoofs were just about dead on. The bulk of the movie centers around a Meet the Fockers and My Best Friend's Wedding storyline, but there were always plenty of references to other movies scattered throughout. Jennifer Coolidge does a ridiculously funny impersonation of Barbra Streisand, and even though every single preview for this movie focused on the cat using the bathroom spoof from Meet the Parents, I still found that scene to be particularly entertaining. Normally I'm not one for the poop jokes, but I suppose if one insists on including them in a movie, this would be the way to go about it. Eddie Griffin was absolutely in his element in this film, and he seemed like he was having an awfully good time with his role. Personally I thought he was one of the funniest characters in the entire movie.

Alyson Hannigan has always been adept in comedic roles, and this one was no exception. Tony Cox was a very worthy co-star, however, and at one point he did an imitation of Brad Pitt (and later of Matthew McConaughey) that was so perfect that I couldn't concentrate on the movie anymore for laughing so hard. There were certainly some moments that I thought were a little lamer than others, but on the whole I was happy with what I saw.

This is obviously a type of humor for a very specific audience, one that can stand a lot of immaturity and silliness, but that also enjoys a good pop culture satire. I laughed shamelessly throughout most of it, and I definitely recommend it as a movie to rent when you just want to hang out at home with some friends. It's impossible to take seriously, so it's perfect for those times when you just want a good laugh.

The Pink Panther

2006-02-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing "Steve Martin is no Peter Sellers" this, and "it just doesn't come close to the original version" that, so perhaps my enjoyment of this movie is only because I had nothing with which to compare it. I suppose my best advice, in that case, would be not to see this movie if one is strongly attached to Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. As for me, having walked into the theater expecting yet another overly drawn-out "Saturday Night Live skit" type movie, I was extremely surprised to find that The Pink Panther, while not continuously hilarious, was definitely still funny. And most of that was due solely to Steve Martin himself.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Kevin Kline) has finally been presented with a case that could catapult him to national fame and glory--the high-profile murder of France's beloved soccer coach, Yves Gluant (Jason Statham). Adding to the mystery of the soccer coach's murder is the missing Pink Panther diamond, presumably stolen from Yves as he died. Dreyfus decides to place the most incompetent detective in France in charge of the investigation, so that after months of botched police work he can swoop in at just the right moment and solve the case himself, thereby winning a medal of honor and a seat in the French National Assembly. Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Steve Martin) is therefore promoted and given charge of the case, along with Detective Ponton (Jean Reno), who is to secretly report back to Dreyfus on all of Clouseau's activities. If Dreyfus had ever watched even one single episode of Columbo, then he would know better than to underestimate a seemingly clueless detective; however, this not being the case, Clouseau is left to stumble aimlessly around Paris searching for the killer and the stolen diamond. While Clouseau may be completely hopeless, he is nevertheless pure of heart, and makes an earnest if not bewildered attempt at an investigation. With the competent and well-trained Ponton at his side, Clouseau spends the entire movie conducting ridiculously unhelpful interrogations and becoming involved in several blundering mishaps. Yet somehow, he seems to be on the right track, much to the irritation of Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Most of this movie is just silly, but not quite to the "roll your eyes" extent. The comedy comes entirely from Clouseau himself, in his seemingly idiotic actions and the other characters' reactions to him. He's a lovable doofus, yet completely unaware of this fact, so he proceeds with full confidence into foolish conversations and situations. It is impossible for anyone, characters and audience alike, to take him the least bit seriously, especially with his ludicrous French accent and naive foolishness. With an abundance of funny one-liners and silly (yet still comical) slapstick routines, the movie was for the most part quite entertaining. I was honestly shocked that a movie centering around an absurd and over-the-top character such as Inspector Clouseau didn't have to be completely nauseating or obscenely juvenile, and I was impressed with Steve Martin's ability to make the character so likable and even pleasant to watch.

This film was quite fun, so I suggest that if you miss it in theaters that you make sure to rent it on DVD. Again, I have no idea how this version compares to the original, but in all honesty, I don't really care. This film, on its own, was simply good. And nothing against Peter Sellers or anything, but come on--we're talking about The Pink Panther, not a James Bond movie, and if Sean Connery can be replaced with Pierce Brosnan, then I think Steve Martin can take over a lesser-known or iconic role from 40 frackin years ago. But, like I said, I wasn't even born when the originals came out, so maybe I just don't get it. All I know is, this movie was funny, and I just plain loved Steve Martin's Clouseau.

Nanny McPhee

2006-02-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

Nanny McPhee is a fantastic movie for children, which probably won't teach them to behave better, but will definitely entertain them for a few hours.

Recently widowed Cedric Brown (Colin Firth) has seven extremely clever yet horridly behaved children, who expend great amounts of effort in order to run off every nanny whom he hires to care for them. He has no time to spend with them either, as he is deeply in debt and in danger of losing the house and being thrown into debtors' prison--somehow this is due to his wife having recently died although it's completely unclear as to why that should cause him to be suddenly poor. Nevertheless, he must work all day and night, and to make matters worse, he can't seem to find a nanny who can withstand his children's antics. Fortunately, a magical and shockingly ugly version of Marry Poppins shows up one evening, along with the requisite thunder and lightening of course, and promises to teach the children how to behave. This Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson) is a startling person indeed, certainly enough so that I would have behaved instantly at the mere sight of her. But the Brown kids are made of braver stuff, and they see her as merely another opportunity for endless pranks intended to drive her off. Nanny McPhee, however, is intent on forcing the children to behave and display proper manners under threat of magic. It's so simple really--do as Nanny McPhee says, or she'll turn you into a newt, or something similarly unpleasant.

Meanwhile, Great Aunt Adelaide (Angela Lansbury) insists that the ill-behaved children need a woman's influence, so she informs Cedric that she will cut off his inheritance unless he marries someone by the end of the month. The reasoning, apparently, being that it is better for the children to be split up and put into workhouses rather than left to stay at home with their loving yet poor father. As the children begin to learn simple, basic manners under Nanny McPhee's magical teachings, Cedric searches in desperation for a woman whom he can marry. It is glaringly obvious within the first five minutes to literally every single person in the theater that he will eventually marry the beautiful, sweet, scullery maid Evangeline (Kelly Macdonald,) once he learns to look past her social status.

There are, of course, the various slapstick pranks and tricks that the children plan and execute throughout the movie, as they initially resist Nanny McPhee and her infernal magic walking stick. Other challenges arise with the introduction of Cedric's chosen bride, Mrs. Quickly (Celia Imrie), the epitome of a cruel stepmother whom the children decide must be dispatched with as well. Of course, in the process of planning Mrs. Quickly's exit, they are surprised to discover that Nanny McPhee might not be so bad afterall, and they might do well to listen to her.

This was definitely a good movie for children, and I found it to be fun to watch as well. It was ridiculously predictable, but the lack of surprises didn't ruin the story in the slightest. Much of the film consists of the many pranks that the children pull in order to achieve a specific goal, and all are silly and fairly innocent. There were many moments of humor, and even more so for the kids in the audience; but overall this movie was easy to watch and quite harmless. If you're going to spend atrocious amounts of money by taking your kids to see a movie, then this is the one to pick. You definitely won't be wasting your money.

Final Destination 3

2006-02-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

If you don't like any of the Final Destination movies then don't even bother with this one, because it is basically identical to its predecessors. There is one new tiny twist, but for all intents and purposes, this sequel merely serves up a fresh batch of teenagers to be mercilessly slaughtered by Death before one or two of the central characters figures out how to temporarily beat Death's design. If you liked either of the first two Final Destinations then I guarantee you will like this one as well.

This time Death decides to kill a group of teenagers on a rollercoaster. But, once again Death is unable to resist being a smug little showboat about his grand design, so he allows one of the teenagers, Wendy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), to have a premonition about it, presumably so he can impress her with his grandiose strategical skills. Wendy is a little less inspired than she is frantic after having seen precisely how she and her classmates will die, so she insists on being let off the ride before it begins. Sure enough, the roller coaster crashes in a freak accident mere seconds later, leaving those who disembarked along with Wendy now squarely in front of Death's crosshairs. And Death is super pissed this time, understandably annoyed that his meticulously plotted design has been thwarted all because he had to show off to some chick that he was going to kill anyway.

Death gets to work immediately, first killing off the less important characters in the most sadistic manner imaginable so that the main ones can be left for a suspenseful scene at the end of the movie. Death, always thinking about building dramatic tension. For a good portion of the time Death seems content to just cause the wind to blow ominously every time there is a pause in the dialogue, but since he's no slacker he gets right back to work coming up with ridiculously complicated cause/effect procedures for the next kill. Meanwhile, the hopeless teenagers scramble about looking at pictures of themselves taken right before the freak roller coaster accident in order to determine how Death plans to kill them on his second attempt. Not all of the roller coaster survivors take Wendy seriously, however, so they are punished for their lack of faith by dying in grisly yet wonderfully orchestrated death traps.

I seriously didn't realize how incredibly pissed Death was at having failed with his roller coaster plan--he's really getting a bit uptight lately. The death scenes were actually comical in their gruesomeness, but I suspect that this was intentional. And perhaps I've finally become desensitized to bad dialogue, but I didn't think the script or storyline for this film was all that terrible--at least, not for a movie of this sort anyway. There's nothing really surprising in this movie for those who have watched the first two films, although the level of gore in this one was a bit of a jolt. I suppose the lesson here is not to mess with Death's design when it's "that time of the month" for him. I have to say I was definitely entertained though, at times laughing even as I felt extremely tense.

I recommend Final Destination 3 to anyone who liked the first two movies, or to anyone who enjoys teenybopper horror films. Me, I'm anxious to see what they come up with for the next sequel. Final Destination 4: Death Vs the I.R.S. Whoever wins, we lose. Damnit I should have been a Hollywood screenwriter!

Firewall

2006-02-14T23:54:00.000-08:00

Apparently bad guys have still not figured out that Harrison Ford, while 60-some years old, will simply not stand for anyone threatening his family/national security/powerful religious relics/peace throughout the galaxy.

This time Harrison Ford plays Jack Stanfield, a high-tech banking executive who relentlessly devotes his life to protecting the customers at his bank, no matter what. He's a loving husband and father, of course, and therefore always ensures that he is home on time for pizza night, no matter how busy his day at work. After spending the day fending off would-be hackers with clever firewall protection and convincing the new president of the company, Terminator T-1000 (Robert Patrick), that any amount of fraud loss and/or stabbing of customers with one's metallic arms is simply unacceptable, his business partner and friend, Harry (Robert Forster), talks Jack into a quick meeting with a potential new business partner, Bill Cox (Paul Bettany). While this will make Jack about a half hour late for pizza night with the family, he agrees to hear the guy out for a minute or two. Unfortunately, the meeting turns out to be a setup, and Bill Cox threatens Jack with a gun and instructs him to drive home, whereupon he finds his family tied up. Cox then informs Jack that he will either help Cox and his evil henchmen steal $100,000,000 from the bank, or they will kill Jack's family. Ohhhh, big mistake, pal. Nonetheless, Jack is forced to do as the henchmen say for the time being, and he sets to work trying to thwart Cox's plans in the least violent way possible. At first. This proves to be somewhat of a challenge, however, as Cox and his henchmen have put together a fairly solid plan to manipulate Jack into the theft. Apparently this evil-doer is a little more prepared to engage Harrison Ford in a battle of wits and might than some of his evil predecessors.

But still, the man did threaten Ford's family, which is usually the worst of all offenses one can commit against Harrison Ford. Nonetheless, Jack is still willing, at this point, to continue playing nice with the bad guys, and after attempting and subsequently failing in every trick and escape strategy of which he can conceive to save his family, Jack reluctantly resigns to rip off the bank's richest customers in order to ensure the safe release of his wife and kids. Or does he?

All in all, I really enjoyed this movie. While I felt safe in my assumption that everything would turn out ok for Jack and his family in the end, I still found myself quite nervous and tense throughout the last hour of the movie. For a thriller, I was really quite surprised at how suspenseful Firewall turned out to be, as I was fully expecting the same ol' same ol' from this movie. Harrison Ford does his usual, convincing job in the portrayal of an ordinary man pushed entirely to the brink, and while there were a few minor plot holes, the storyline was relatively believable. At least, enough so that I was not irritated with complete implausibility and ridiculousness. To a certain extent, thrillers are supposed to be ridiculous and outside the realm of reality, but this one was a great balance of outlandishness and believability. I highly recommend Firewall, as it is thoroughly suspenseful and pleasantly well-written. Plus, who doesn't like to watch Harrison Ford give bad guys their deserved comeuppance?

When a Stranger Calls

2006-02-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

You know that scene toward the beginning of Scream where Sidney gets a mysterious phone call or two, blows them off at first, starts to get a little spooked, and is then attacked by the ghost face guy? That entire sequence might have taken up about 10 minutes, max. Now imagine that entire exchange being drawn out for an hour and a half longer, and you will have just watched When a Stranger Calls.

I should just stop there, as that's probably the best review for this movie that you will ever get. But, I blew two hours and $17 (including candy), so why not waste another hour writing a more in-depth analysis, shall we? Let's start with the candy: the raisinets were pretty tasty, but my favorite part of the mix was by far the red sour patch kids. I was glad that I had decided at the last second to throw in some reese's pieces, because they added a nice peanut-buttery flair to the snack that would otherwise have made for a rather bland chocolate/sour mix. On the other hand, I was a little annoyed that the reese's pieces and raisinets were so indistinguishable in the darkened theater, as more than once I bit into a raisinet anticipating a reese's piece--it's a very discomforting sensation to eat a mushy chocolate raisin when one expects the hard candy shell coating around peanut butter. I'll never mix the two candies in the same bag ever again, I tell you.

So anyway, this high school girl, Jill Johnson (Camilla Belle), goes out to an isolated house in the middle of the woods to babysit for a wealthy couple. First, however, the filmmakers are careful to firmly establish that Jill is a super-fast sprinter on the track team, which is ostensibly done for purposes of exposition that will no doubt come into play later as Jill runs frantically away from some random ne'er do well. She is given a quick tour of the house, wherein it is also firmly established that all the interior lights are motion-sensor detection, so she will not have to flip any light switches whatsoever, as the lights will come on automatically as she enters a room and go off as she exits. Fairly standard for motion detection, I would think, but not in this movie. The two children whom Jill will be watching are apparently recovering from the flu and were put to bed prior to her arrival, so the parents ask that Jill not wake them up as they will most likely die if returned to a conscious state before morning. So, as soon as the parents leave and Jill begins to settle into some homework, a creepy guy starts calling and doing some serious heavy-breathing. After the filmmakers have exhausted every "false alarm" scenario that they can think of, including the cat that runs around and apparently sets off the alarm system, the stranger finally stops breathing long enough to ask Jill whether she has checked on the kids lately. Feeling sufficiently creeped out, she phones the police and they tell her they will start tracing the calls, which are coming from inside the house. (!) Like, oh. My. God.

I think every pre-pubescent girl has heard this particular scary story many times, and I admit that I used to get that unsettling feeling when I used to babysit, worried that it might actually happen to me. I mean it is a good scary story.

For junior high girls.

There was about 30 minutes of actual story, meaning that the remaining hour was filled with foreboding music and sweeping shots of the darkening sky outside. Literally. My favorite part, however, was when the family cat, who had spent most of his evening running around the house making the lights go on and off, went ahead and ate a live bird. It was seriously cool as hell, and they spent a good 5 seconds on it at least. I was even more impressed with its mastery of the lights, which seemed to be less about motion-detection and more about going on or off when it would be most frightening to Jill.

I don't recommend this movie. Unlike a good horror movie, it was not scary. And unlike a bad horror movie, it was not funny. It was just boring.

Big Momma's House 2

2006-02-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

Well come on, what do you expect? I imagine that if you find yourself in the theater watching this movie then you are either:

a). someone who likes dudes in fat woman drag
b). a huge Martin Lawrence fan with undying loyalty and devotion
c). sacrificing yourself for the good of mankind (me)

FBI agent Malcolm Turner (Martin Lawrence) has married Sherry (Nia Long) from the first movie, and in typical fashion she has demanded that he give up his Porsche and dangerous field work in favor of a minivan and a desk job. Malcolm dutifully complies, and the FBI sends him out on a vital mission that is crucial to our domestic security: teaching children about safety while dressed in an eagle costume. He's not completely happy about his new job, but with a baby on the way he's willing to sacrifice his professional goals. Nevertheless, nefarious schemes are still afoot, and Malcolm's former mentor is shot and killed while undercover. As is customary for the FBI apparently, Malcolm's boss orders him to keep his nose out of the investigation even though he is by far their best field agent. Not to be deterred, however, Malcolm quickly discovers that the main suspect in the case is business executive Tom Fuller (Mark Moses), so he decides to go undercover as Fuller's nanny, unbeknownst to his superiors at the FBI or Sherry. And what identity should he choose but that of Big Momma! On comes the fat suit and the hilarity!*

Big Momma/Malcolm is unfortunately not prepared for all the housework and shuttling of children that is required for his cover to work, so he has to come up with clever ideas in order to trick Mrs. Fuller (Emily Procter) into thinking that he has completed the nanny's daily responsibilities. He isn't sure how to fix breakfast for the kids, but, thinking fast and on the fly, he pulls a MacGyver and pours the milk directly into the cereal box! Similarly, rather than waste time trying to decipher the complex instructions on the washing machine (pour soap, press start), he improvises and throws the family's clothes away. Haha, Mrs. Fuller will never notice! Pure comedy. Next he sets to work fixing the family's problems--little Carrie Fuller isn't a good cheerleader, so he teaches her some moves. Andrew Fuller eats brillo pads and flings himself off high kitchen appliances, so Big Momma just calls him "two kinds of crazy" and moves on. Having nearly forgotten about his actual mission up to this point, he snoops around the house for a bit and copies some random files on the Fuller's home computer. All in a day's work, really.

This movie actually wasn't horrible, and I did find myself smiling here and there. Martin Lawrence himself is just an all-around entertaining and funny guy, so even in the context of this movie he was still relatively fun to watch. The Big Momma character was harmless enough, and provided a mild source of general pleasantness, but as a whole this movie was pretty uninspiring. Granted, Big Momma's House 2 certainly isn't meant to be anything other than a silly little comedy, but I don't think it's worth a $10 trip to the theaters unless you are into this sort of throwaway humor. Besides, there is probably a Big Momma's House 3 in the works, as Malcolm outright threatens the audience with another sequel at the end. He warns to keep a lookout, because you never know when Big Momma will return--so you know, stay on the edge of your seats.

*film is not hilarious

Annapolis

2006-02-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

You'd think that a movie centered on the Naval Academy, with the tagline "50,000 Apply, 1,200 Are Accepted, Only the Best Survive," along with, say, previews that suggest a young cadet's struggle to become a leader under the grueling training of his Lieutenant, would therefore actually be about the difficulties in becoming a Naval Officer. But no, you would be wrong. This movie is about boxing. Haha, suckers!

No seriously, this movie really is about boxing. Yes, I was pretty confused as well, but nevertheless, that's the plot. Jake Huard (James Franco) works in battleship construction across the lake from the U.S. Naval Academy, and dreams of one day becoming a Naval Officer by attending the prestigious and selective school. He bides his time on the waitlist, however, and keeps in excellent physical condition by competing in the boxing ring. Cleverly, the filmmakers demonstrate Huard's toughness in the opening scene, when he is nearly knocked out and defeated at the hands of a superior fighter, only to get back up again and keep fighting, winning the round through sheer determination of will. He gets accepted into the academy the following day, ostensibly because one of the officers at the academy spends all his spare time in local boxing rings scouting for undiscovered talent. Again, I'm not making this up--one of the officers really was present at the local match, just hangin' out. So, despite Huard's mediocre grades and test scores, the Naval Academy makes an exception to their "best of the best" rule, which must be more of a guideline really. It's important to note that his father does not support this decision, and feels that Huard would best be served to join the workers union and never pursue any of his goals or dreams. I'm sure his father will not later realize that he was wrong and subsequently tell Huard that he is in fact proud. Surely.

For their first year of training, the cadets are introduced to Lt. Cole (Tyrese Gibson), who has served an astonishing three whole years in the Marines already, and is therefore the meanest motherfucker you have ever met! Huard's other superior officers include the sexy Lt. Ali (Jordana Brewster), and none other than Donnie Wahlberg himself, who has apparently left his New Kids on the Block days firmly behind him, and now just wants to kick cadet ass..."step by step." I'm sorry-I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. Huard has little difficulty with the physical training, but he struggles with his academics and is routinely humiliated in front of his class for not being able to remember the latitude/longitude of Annapolis! What a doof! It is at this point in the movie when what appears to be a boxing "subplot" actually becomes the main one, and Huard decides he's going to devote every second of his free time to practicing for "Brigades"--the school-wide boxing tournament held at the end of every year. One would think that as he is on the brink of flunking out, that he would instead consider studying, but well, we've already established that he's an idiot. He enlists the help of Lt. Ali to help him train, and the rest of the movie is essentially a musical montage of his boxing practices. Furthermore, despite the fact that Huard makes a point to tell his buddies about the cadets who get expelled for dating each other, and Lt. Ali's re-emphasizing the "no fraternization" rule, she is helpless to resist his charms and the ridiculous "oops I fell over scene" actually takes place.

In the span of 3 minutes, every line from the "How to Make a Movie for Dummies" book was hurled at the audience in full force. I mean we're talking some serious boxing/climactic sports moment clichés here:
-"That's my boy right there, that's my boy!" (x1)
-"He's gotta pace himself" (x2)
-"He's gotta slow it down" (x2)
-"Stay off the ropes" (x3)
-"Yeah, that Huard's a tough kid"/"he's a tough kid" (x2)
-"Yeah, stay down!" (x1)

I even heard someone yell "Defense!" a couple of times, apparently delirious and under the impression he was an extra in Glory Road rather than Annapolis.

It wasn't just the absurd overuse of clichés that irritated me about this movie--it was also extremely boring, with some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard in my life. It was like watching the convergence of all the worst elements of film in a cinematic particle accelerator--it actually would have been funny if the filmmakers weren't taking this movie so seriously. Don't spend $10 to see this movie in the theater, don't rent it, don't buy it, don't even look at it. You'll only encourage the filmmakers by reacting to it. Just walk away.

Last Holiday

2006-02-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what is it about Queen Latifah that makes her so damn likable? It honestly seems near-impossible to dislike her movies (Taxi probably being an exception), because every time she is on screen I just can't help but smile. It makes complete sense then, when all the other characters save but a few enjoy her presence as well, because to do otherwise just seems idiotic. It would be like hating sunshine.

Georgia Byrd (Queen Latifah) works as a cookware sales clerk at a Crate and Barrel type store, where she secretly harbors a crush on LL Cool J, or more specifically his character, Sean Matthews--a coworker in outdoor sales. She is of course too shy to talk to Sean despite the urgings of another coworker, who constantly tries to convince Georgia to wear sexier clothes and flirt with Sean. Instead, Georgia goes home every night, cooks delicious recipes by Emeril and then feeds them to her young neighbor, Darius (Jascha Washington), while she eats Lean Cuisine and pores over her "Possibilities" book--a collection of places, food, and people that she wants to visit/eat/meet someday. And oh yeah, she cuts out pictures of her head and pastes them onto bridal pictures, with coworker Sean as the groom--which is totally not creepy in any way. As it happens, Sean seems to have a crush on her as well, but just when it seems that he is going to ask her out, Georgia hits her head and has to go in for CAT scans, which reveal that she has a terminal illness and just three weeks left to live. HAHAHAHA! Oh it's so goofy and funny. Anyway, her HMO won't cover the $340,000 operation, so she decides to liquidate her retirement funds and dash off to a ski resort in the Czech Republic, where she checks in to the $4,000/night presidential suite at the Grand Hotel Pupp. She intends to live out her remaining weeks to their fullest, with spa treatments, snowboarding lessons, base jumping, and by tasting everything on a menu prepared by world-famous chef, Didier (Gérard Depardieu).

As it happens, Matthew Kragen (Timothy Hutton), the owner of the Crate and Barrel type store where Georgia just quit, and his mistress are also at the resort, along with Louisiana Senator Dillings (Giancarlo Esposito) and Congressman Stewart (Michael Nouri) to work out a deal that will save Kragen's failing business. When they see the hotel staff eagerly tending to Georgia's every need, they assume that she is someone extremely rich and important, and make efforts to ingratiate themselves to her. While Georgia simply wants to relax and do some of the things she has always dreamed of trying, everyone else desperately attempts to figure out who she is. With the exception of Kragen, they all soon find themselves quite taken with her good natured and devil-may-care attitude toward life. As for Georgia herself, she learns a valuable lesson about living life to its fullest, teaching herself as well as everyone around her to make each day count. I'm sure you get the idea.

The plot itself is nothing special, but what makes the movie interesting and worthwhile is Queen Latifah herself. As with all the characters in the story, the viewer too wants to spend more time with Georgia and hopes the best for her in the end. There were a few laughs here and there, but mostly I just smiled throughout. Basically the whole movie felt like a great big warm hug with a few home-baked cookies on your way out. Good cookies too, not burned at all.

This is the perfect movie to see if you want a picker-upper, and I can't stress enough how curiously enigmatic Queen Latifah is as the star. But I still won't go see Taxi. Women will probably be more into this than men, but it's nice and pleasant enough such that it won't bother you if your girl drags you along.

Hoodwinked

2006-01-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

Hoodwinked is a great movie for kids, but anyone over the age of 10 would be advised to skip this film entirely. A sardonic alternate version of the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale, this movie fails where Shrek succeeded. I'm sure kids will greatly enjoy it, but the crossover appeal to adults is virtually nonexistent, as Hoodwinked is only mildly entertaining at best.

When Little Red Riding Hood aka "Red" (Anne Hathaway) enters her Granny's cabin in the woods, she finds the seemingly "Big Bad" Wolf (Patrick Warburton) disguised and laying in ambush for her. Just when it seems as though she is about to be eaten, her Granny (Glenn Close) bursts out of the closet all tied up, and an axe-wielding woodsman (James Belushi) crashes through the window, ostensibly to save everyone from the wolf. However, when the police arrive moments later, everyone is taken in for questioning by Nicky Flippers (David Ogden Stiers), where four different versions of the events leading up to the cabin scene are given by the aforementioned characters. The incident is somehow intrinsically linked with the recent thefts by the Recipe Bandit, who has been putting local bakeries out of business by stealing all of the recipes in the woods. Granny's famous baked goods are the last remaining recipes to be stolen, so presumably, the showdown at Granny's cabin holds the clues to uncovering the identity of the bandit.

The problem with this movie was that the humor was much to obvious and overused--not just in this film but in many, many animated films before it. For example, Gramma is an extreme sports addict and talks like a young hipster--this was pretty funny in the Boost Mobile Phone commercials last year, as well as in the Shrek movies, but come on. It's not just inherently funny to watch an old grandma skiing down the slopes or bungee jumping, there has to be more to it than just that. There needs to be something clever behind the image itself, but unfortunately this was not the case.

There were some moments that I found amusing, a few lines here and there that made me smile, but on the whole the movie was rather boring. I started feeling a bit hopeful by the middle, when it suddenly got a whole lot better, but things quickly tapered off again by the end, leaving me with a definite taste of mediocrity. The Wolf's photographer, an excitable squirrel named Twitchy, was perhaps the movie's saving grace, as every scene in which Twitchy appeared was one in which I heaved a sigh of relief. To a certain extent, the other characters were reasonably entertaining as well, but only in brief snatches of time that were always followed by something hopelessly lame. The film really shot itself in the foot, however, when it chose to have the rabbit character voiced by Andy Dick--I trust that no further elaboration on that point is necessary.

As I said before, this is a movie that a lot of kids will really like, as the humor is very simplistic and innocently juvenile. It's not quite as toxic as something along the lines of The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, which had me practically spitting with rage, but this is still not the kind of animated film that adults will enjoy on a different level from kids. What I'm saying is that it won't kill you to take a kid to see this movie, but I don't suggest going to see this of your own volition. You won't be pleased. Five years ago, Hoodwinked might have passed for something a lot more amusing, but after two fantastic Shrek movies and a zillion other Pixar films, this movie just doesn't make the cut to the Varsity level.

Dude, that's so Snakes on a Plane

2006-01-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

Or, as Samuel L. Jackson would say, "Snakes on my motherfuckin plane, motherfucker!"

This is now the film I am most anticipating in 2006. Snakes on a Plane. I mean there they are, they're on the plane and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. When filmmakers tried to change the title to Pacific Air Flight 121, which sounds boring as batshit, Samuel L. Jackson flipped the fuck out and reassured everyone that no, the title for this movie will remain Snakes on a Plane. I must say his decision to star in this movie more than makes up for The Man.

So will this movie be any good? Of course! I mean there are snakes on the plane! Snakes! I don't see how this could go wrong.

So, the next time your flight is delayed or you get stuck in the middle seat, just remember that it could be worse. There could be snakes on the plane. And Samuel L. Jackson won't be there to bail you out either.

Glory Road

2006-01-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

If you take a mix of Remember the Titans and Hoosiers, then throw in a dash of Air Bud, you'll end up with Disney's Glory Road (i.e. Remember the Titans 2: Slam Dunk). I really can't imagine anyone who wouldn't like this movie, as it is the always-satisfying sports underdog story, told in the context of a real-life event that served to break down racial barriers in the 1960's. It contains all the elements of a fulfilling drama, along with the usual "tough coach who rises above prejudice while teaching his players valuable life lessons on and off the court and despite meeting initial resistance to his challenging methods" thing. Everyone knows what this movie is about, so while there won't be any surprises, you definitely won't leave the theater disappointed.

The movie is based on Coach Don Haskins' (Josh Lucas) controversial 1966 Texas Western basketball team, which comprised 7 black athletes at a time when no other southern school would recruit black players. While other NCAA coaches scamper around the country attempting to convince the top white basketball stars to play for their schools, Coach Haskins travels up north to Indiana and New York to recruit 7 overlooked black players, some of whom doubt Haskins' stated intentions to give them substantial playing time. The black recruits don't meet an enormous amount of resistance from their white teammates when they arrive at Texas Western, but they are instead forced to focus their attention solely on basketball--no girls, no alcohol, and no late nights are a strict policy of Coach Haskins. The proverbial intense amount of grueling training and conditioning is imposed on the team as per the underdog sports movie formula, and some of the players quickly become annoyed with Coach Haskins' traditional style of basketball, as he forbids slam dunks and showboating of any kind. While the university's president faces constant pressure from the school's boosters to get rid of Haskins and his non-traditional recruiting methods, the team itself begins to bond and go on an exciting undefeated streak. Unfortunately there are some nasty and cruel run-ins with racism along the way, as other southern schools are furious at losing to a team with a mostly black roster. Will Texas Western go on to win the NCAA championship against heavily-favored Kentucky and silence the critics? Well, the answer is obvious of course--only if they run the "picket fence" on 'em.

Again, all the elements that one would expect to see in this type of movie are present--a fair amount of clean Disney humor, a "color-blind" coach who emphasizes discipline and fundamentals, university administrators and students who start to come around once they see that their team is winning, a Goliath-type opponent in the final showdown, and of course, an inevitable teach the hopeless white boy how to be cool bonding scene. I also have approximately 1.6 squillion inspirational quotes written down from the movie in case the need ever arises for me to inspire someone with vague metaphysical statements.

The characters were all thoroughly developed as well, so that their reactions to the environment around them, as well as each other, were all the more meaningful and engaging. This movie didn't "teach a lesson" quite to the extent that a film like Crash did, but it was a poignant display of the types of racism that black athletes had to deal with in a national setting. The basketball scenes were exciting to watch, but I think a large part of that had to do with the actors' apparent basketball abilities, as none of them looked ridiculous on the court. So that was nice.

I recommend this movie to anyone who likes inspirational underdog stories that are based on true historical events, but with the additional element of a human struggle to overcome extremely personal attacks. If you think you'll like this movie, then let me go ahead and assure you that you will, as Glory Road is wonderfully successful in accomplishing its purpose.

The New World

2006-01-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

The New World was not at all what I expected. With a strange "diary style" narration and a pleasing emphasis on the natural surroundings, I almost felt as though I were watching an extremely well-funded independent movie. The story seems less about the historical English colonization of America and the inevitable clash with the native populace, and instead focuses on Pocahontas (Q'Orianka Kilcher) herself. It's hard to classify this movie at all, as it wasn't The Last of the Mohicans or even Dances with Wolves. It felt real enough, what with the natural settings and the excellent costume designs, but in the end it seemed mostly to be a relatively believable interpretation of Pocahontas's life following the sudden arrival of the English.

The story begins quickly, with three English ships arriving in Virginia in1607, to form the Jamestown colony. Captain Newport (Christopher Plummer) insists upon their arrival that they live in peace with the "naturals," as they will need to trade with them should their crops fail. At first they are successful in this task, as the English and the Indians regard each other with mutual curiosity and cautious benevolence. As the colonists build a rather wretched looking fort and attempt to plant foreign seeds for harvest, Captain Newport charges Captain John Smith (Colin Farrell) with traveling upriver in order to make contact with the Powhatan tribal king (August Schellenberg) and initiate trade with the tribe. During the trip, however, Smith and his men are attacked by members of the tribe, who then take Smith prisoner. Just as he is about to be killed, the tribal king's favorite daughter, Pocahontas, throws herself upon Smith and pleads for his life. Despite the king's better judgment, he allows Smith to live with the tribe, where he and Pocahontas grow quite close before he very reluctantly returns to the colony several months later. Unfortunately, the Native Americans have grown decidedly tired of the English at this point, especially when they realize that the colonists don't intend to leave but instead want to take more land. When Pocahontas warns Smith of an impending attack, her father exiles her from the tribe, forcing her to live with the colonists and accept their lifestyle.

The narration style of the film was quite weird and took some getting used to. Told in turns by John Smith, Pocahontas, and later John Rolfe (Christian Bale)--another colonist at Jamestown--it sounded like each character was reading directly from a diary written entirely in haiku. All of the narration is told as a recollection of thoughts and feelings, rather than events themselves, which you might think would actually help the audience identify with the characters. Strangely this was not the case.

The thing that I did like about this movie, however, was how real it felt. The settings were beautiful and carefully filmed, making it seem almost as though I were watching actual footage from the 1600's. The interaction between the English and the Indians upon their arrival also seemed extremely natural, as did the harsh reality of failure that the colonists faced during their first winter. All of this was excellent, and yet it was peripheral to the story of Pocahontas herself--important only inasmuch as it affects her life.

This was a decent movie, but I confess that I have absolutely no idea how to rate it. It's a drama with very little action, lots of sweeping views of the landscape (which are quite beautiful), and an artistic interpretation of basic historical events. I guess I would recommend it to history buffs, and to those who like dramatic and innocent love stories. Definitely worth a look at some point, however, so if you don't see it in theaters then make sure to rent it on DVD in a few months.

Underworld: Evolution

2006-01-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

I’m so sick of Hollywood Executives. Clearly they have absolutely no understanding of their target audience, or, for that matter, human beings in general. I’ve no doubt that the planning session for this movie went something like this:

Hollywood Exec #1 (HE1): Let’s make a sequel to the reasonably successful and highly entertaining movie, Underworld.

Hollywood Exec #2 (HE2): Yes, let’s do it. And we should get the same actors. It shouldn't be too hard--Kate Beckinsale actually agreed to do Van Helsing, so it won’t be much of a stretch for her to do a sequel for Underworld. Plus, she sure is hot in that leather suit.

HE1: Oh totally. And that dude from Felicity will probably be a sure thing, despite his breakthrough performance in the XXX sequel.

HE2: Agreed. So, does anyone remember the plot from the first Underworld?

Underworld Writer (UW): I do.

HE1: Anyone? No? Well that’s too bad, because I’m pretty sure that the first Underworld left itself wide open for a sequel. I mean it practically screamed that there would be a sequel, the way they left it and all.

UW: Um, yeah because I wrote it.

HE1: Oh well, I guess we'll start from scratch then.

HE2: So basically, let’s just take Kate Beckinsale’s character and Bill Nighy’s character and explain how vampires and werewolves were created in the first place—and then let’s just throw in some footage from the first movie to tie it all together.

HE1: Sounds good to me, I’ll just have my 8 year-old ~~kid~~ dog write the script.

UW: Um, excuse me....

HE2: Should we review the script after your dog writes it?

HE1: What the fuck for?!

HE2: Good point.

UW: Guys?

Thus was born Underworld: Evolution. I wasn't expecting anything spectacularly mind-blowing, but I was expecting at least a small level of intelligence behind the project. All was not lost, however, as Underworld: Evolution was extremely nice to look at, since the effects were really pretty cool, and the fight scenes were very well choreographed. One has to respect the time and effort spent into having competent stunt doubles perform carefully maneuvered kicks and jumps, rather than resorting to simply to shaking the camera wildly about in order to obscure the fact that some actor looks like a complete goof doing martial arts kicks. Kudos to the computer geeks as well for the werewolf transformation effect, because it looked pretty rad.

The plot for this movie, as stated before, was nothing short of catastrophic. It picks up where Underworld left off (sort of), in which Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and Michael (Scott Speedman) are on the run after Selene slices Viktor's (Bill Nighy) head off. Michael, as you may recall, is a vampire/werewolf hybrid--the first of his kind, and ostensibly a creature with "limitless" powers as Selene theorizes at one point. I could never quite tell what these supposed limitless powers entailed, aside from tagging along and being generally quite useless. For an all-powerful being, Michael gets the crap kicked out of him in almost every fight, but not before he carefully removes his shirt prior to each duel. Afterward, Selene is always forced to feed him some of her own blood just to keep the guy alive. Amazingly enough, however, Selene actually finds this "pathetic weakling" trait irresistible, and the requisite sex scene is awkwardly and gratuitously crammed into the story. Their next step in the plan of attack is to wake up the last remaining elder of the vampire clan, Marcus (Tony Curran), who actually turns out to be kind of an asshole, so after he wakes up they have to go ahead and try to kill him. With bullets. Which will obviously never work on a vampire, but whatever. Marcus decides that he's going to go rescue his brother, William, from his thousand-year imprisonment for the crime of being a big nasty werewolf. Oh and for, you know, killing every living thing in sight so that it transforms into a vicious werewolf entity that can't turn back into human form again. Fabulous idea. So now Selene and Michael--or pretty much just Selene herself--has to stop Marcus from waking up his brother William, blah blah blah.

Perhaps what was most annoying about this movie was the fact that it wasn't even consistent with itself, nevermind its predecessor. It seemed that Marcus would impale some hapless vampire with his wings, which would sometimes kill the vampire but not always. The werewolves could sometimes be killed with a simple knife to the head (not even a silver one!), but other times one was forced to completely rip off its head just to stop it. And then there was Michael--who knows what kills that guy, but believe me, it doesn't take much apparently. Clearly the filmmakers had no idea what to do with his character, so they just ignored him and hoped he would go away on his own. He didn't.

I was so excited to see this movie, but so disappointed when I walked out of the theater. As I said, the effects were spectacular, and everything about the film was visually appealing. I can stand a certain level of inconsistency with movies, especially sci-fi and/or action ones, but this film was just absurd. I definitely recommend it as a DVD rental because it's cool to look at, but this way you can fast-forward through all the dialogue.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-01-17T22:54:00.000-08:00

Brokeback Mountain was an excellent movie--surprisingly deep and meaningful, yet very slow in its development. It wasn't slow as in boring, but I confess I did start to look at my watch after an hour and a half or so. However, all 2+ hours of the film were worth it, as I got to watch a movie that really, truly moved me.

The story is set in 1963 Signal Wyoming--a small ranch town where Ennis (Heath Ledger) moves with his finance Alma (Michelle Williams) to find seasonal work as a ranchhand. It is on one such job that he meets Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal), a rodeo cowboy from Texas who works up on Brokeback Mountain during the summers. A friendship develops between the two over the several months of their employment herding sheep on the mountain, and soon enough one thing leads to another and the inevitable one night of passion ensues as it (apparently) so often does in these situations. Ennis assures Jack the following day that he isn't gay, but then again neither is Jack...mostly. They continue their relationship throughout the remainder of their employment, but when the job is done for the season the two men go their separate ways. Ennis marries Alma and has two daughters with her, while Jack meets a cowgirl of his very own to marry back in Texas despite her father's extreme disapproval. Eventually, however, Jack's path leads him back to Wyoming, where he looks up Ennis and the two immediately resume their old relationship. From then on they meet several times a year up at Brokeback Mountain, which Ennis feels is the only safe place for them to protect their secret, fearing that if anyone found out then the two would surely be brutally attacked and murdered.

This movie's plot was very slow in its development, as the story covers nearly 20 years of Ennis's and Jack's lives. While Jack would be content to leave his wife and buy a ranch for both him and Ennis to run, Ennis fears that society will never allow him to have the relationship with Jack that he truly wants. Each of the two men struggle with their desire to be together and the various barriers that prevent their ultimate wish from its fulfillment. Ennis's struggle is almost entirely within himself--his fear of a violent and deadly societal repurcussion along with his own guilt at deceiving his family. Jack is less conflicted about the relationship, but is unable to convince Enus to leave his wife for a more unconventional lifestyle.

What I really liked most about this movie was the ease with which I was able to empathize with the characters--and I really don't think that this reaction would be limited to female viewers. I did manage to drag my date to this movie despite some hesitancy on his part, but I was surprised that he liked this movie as much as I did. It's not necessarily a story about two gay men attempting to hide their relationship from the outside world--it's about two people who make a strong connection despite their heterosexual natures, and must struggle with guilt, fear, and a seemingly uncontrollable need for each other's company. I really felt for both of these guys because their situation was so impossible, as they were constantly trying to reconcile their conscience with the relationship.

I definitely recommend this movie--to men and women, but only if one doesn't mind slow-moving and deliberate storylines. This is a movie about normal people and their innate need to pursue happiness within the tight constraints of the societies in which they live. The movie was extremely powerful and moving, and anyone who likes meaningful stories will enjoy this film. The acting is superb, the settings are beautiful, and in the end I felt that I more than got my money's worth.

Match Point

2006-01-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

The film's motto is "I'd rather be lucky than good," and no one learns that lesson better than the characters in this movie.

Chris Wilton (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) is a poor boy from Ireland, who nearly got his big break playing professional tennis...but not quite. He finds himself teaching tennis lessons in London in order to make ends meet, when he meets Tom Hewett (Matthew Goode), who introduces him to his sister, Chloe (Emily Mortimer). While Chris is certainly fond of Chloe, what he really likes most about her is her family's immeasurable wealth and influence, especially when her father offers him a lucrative position at one of his many businesses. Complications arise, however, when Chris is introduced to Tom's seductive fiancée Nola Rice (Scarlett Johansson), a struggling actress with whom he has an instant and irrepressible physical attraction. While Nola is less amenable to the idea of cheating on her fiancée than Chris is, as soon as her relationship ends, she is more open to his extremely aggressive pursuit of her. Now one might think that Chris, who has ostensibly married Chloe for mostly practical reasons, would therefore be extremely cautious in his infidelity, such that he would not hook up with Nola in the backyard with Chloe's entire family inside the house. But no. You would be wrong.

As Chris further entrenches himself in an illicit affair with Nola, he finds that it is becoming increasingly stressful to maintain the separation between his ever-demanding mistress and sweet but clueless wife, especially when Nola becomes adamant that Chris confess his affair to Chloe and divorce her. Meanwhile, Chloe wants to have children and starts demanding that Chris have sex with her every morning, to which Chris responds with a curious irritation at having a wife who wants to have sex all the time. (?) Eventually, however, with two crazy screaming women badgering Chris from all sides, he must find the most drastic solution imaginable to his problem without losing his opulent lifestyle.

This movie was quite good, I must admit. It was not what I would necessarily describe as a thriller, and yet throughout a good portion of the film I felt extremely tense and nervous. I wasn't sure whether I should root for Chris to escape the situation unscathed or whether to cheer for his ultimate ruin, but regardless I was extremely invested in the story and its eventual conclusion. It was surprisingly easy to identify with most of the characters, especially Chris, as despite his rather loose moral code he acted fairly rationally throughout the film (aside from some ridiculously obvious trysts with Nola wherein they could be discovered at almost any moment).

I would recommend this movie to those who wish to see a serious study of human nature within the context of someone willfully placing himself in a no-win situation--having to rely on his own wits and a fair amount of luck in order to navigate an increasingly complicated set of circumstances. Whether he is successful in his strategy and whether luck is with him or against him at the end is literally not clear until the last minute or two of the movie. Although this is a Woody Allen film, it certainly does not conform to his usual style, so don’t expect some goofball comedy if you choose to see Match Point. I recommend this flim as it is an exceptionally well-done movie and certainly worth a look.

The Ringer

2006-01-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

I was a little uncomfortable going to this movie by myself, as I feared that others might mistake my solitary status as an indication of some sort of predilection for laughing at retarded people. Thankfully, however, The Ringer was not as crass or insensitive as I had anticipated, so I didn't have to make it as obvious as possible that I was there to review the movie, as I did when I watched Herbie: Fully Loaded by myself. Incidentally, you've never truly been shamed until you've been called out by a 10 year-old questioning why a 20-something adult would come to see Herbie by herself.

Apparently Johnny Knoxville wasn't entirely comfortable starring in a movie about deceiving the physically and mentally handicapped in order to make money off of the Special Olympics either, as his character, Steve, is essentially forced into the position of intentionally fixing the games. After listening to a verbally abusive motivational tape, Steve works up the courage to ask his boss for a promotion and a raise. After taking two seconds to ponder Steve's request, the boss agrees and tells him that his first test of new responsibility is to fire Stavi (Luis Avalos), the company's janitor. But Steve's just a big softie, and instead of firing poor Stavi, he instead hires him to mow his lawn, while throwing in a raise and health benefits as well. Unfortunately, Stavi doesn't make the brightest decisions, and accidentally loses three of his fingers while mowing Steve's lawn one day, resulting in a $28,000 operation that Steve, as Stavi's employer, is required to pay lest Stavi lose his fingers for good. Having only a few weeks in which to raise the money, Steve turns to his Uncle Gary (Brian Cox), who comes up with a scheme to fix the Special Olympics and bet on Steve in order to win enough money for the operation (and to pay off Uncle Gary's debts). Since this is obviously the only avenue left for Steve to pursue, he puts up brief and unenthusiastic moral objection against the plan, and then is left with absolutely no choice, positively no other option whatsoever, but to pretend to be retarded in order to fix the Special Olympics. We've all been there before, I'm sure. So, after watching Forrest Gump, I Am Sam, Rain Man, and The Green Mile, Uncle Gary is satisfied with Steve's ability to act retarded, and they attempt to register Steve for the Special Olympics. As it happens, the organizers of this event will apparently just take your word for it if you show up claiming to qualify as mentally handicapped, so Steve enters the competition under the inconspicuous pseudonym, Jeffy Dahmer.

The rest of the film is obvious. Of course, none of Jeffy's/Steve's fellow competitors actually buy him as being mentally handicapped, but they agree to help him out when they learn of his motivations for deceiving them. The movie was relatively funny in some parts, and all of the characters were likable enough, but I would classify this movie more in the "cute" category. The humor wasn't necessarily clever, but it was harmless and innocent, which made it overall entertaining to watch. I would recommend it, but I would suggest waiting for the DVD--there will probably be an uncut version and you won't be missing anything by waiting the extra few months to see it.

Hostel

2006-01-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by Special Guest Reviewer Josh

To say Hostel was disappointing would be like saying that Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson was unexpected. This movie had been played up so much that I made sure one of my housemates was going to be home tonight just so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. Instead, I should watch The Shining before I go to sleep.

What was so sad about this movie was that it started off so promisingly. The first thirty minutes started like this: "Amsterdam, motherfuckers!," drugs, hot women, drinking, more hot women, sex, hookers, sex, tits, sex, tits, tits, tits, sex, train ride, tits, drugs, sex, drugs, tits, tits, sex. How could anything go wrong? Seriously, if the movie ended there, I would have given it an oscar rating.

Let me tell you a little bit about the plot (plot being used extremely liberally). Two college buddies, a white boy named Josh and a mexican-american guy named Paxton who speaks German (WTF?), are backpacking in Europe after graduating from college and try to get laid as often as possible. In Amsterdam, they stay out too late and their hostel is closed because it's after curfew. (By the way, do hostels ever close? I've never been to Amsterdam, but isn't that why they're called hostels?! I remember staying at a hostel in Fairbanks, AK and these crazy German guys were singing drinking songs at the top of their lungs at 5am. But I digress.)

Since they're waking up EVERYONE in Amsterdam, the police are coming. A kind-hearted Russian guy hears them and tells them to climb up to his room. While his roommate is having sex, he tells them about a hostel in Slovakia where there are hot women with insatiable sex-drives. They don't buy it at first until they see the pictures on his camera-phone. They decide to go to Slovakia. Sure enough, the Russian was right.

Meanwhile (and not coincidentally), there's a place in Slovakia where people can pay to do whatever they want to someone (kinda like the US Army without any accountability).

If you've seen the previews, you can guess what happens next. Even if you can't, the movie is so predictable that you know what's going to happen ten minutes before it actually does. There's absolutely no suspense in this movie and never once was it scary.

There are good parts to this movie. The first thirty minutes were very entertaining (and not just because of the boobs). Jay Hernandez played the role of Paxton really well--almost too convincingly since no one else seemed to be playing their roles with the same complexity. The gore was gratuitous and good. Some of the things that happen to people in this movie are downright awful. But without the suspense, it lessened the impact--kind of like non-alcoholic beer: it has the taste, but you don't ever feel it.

The ending was a complete letdown and included one of the most idiotic escape scenes ever. Apparently in Slovakia, you can only see 10 feet in front of your face.

After reflecting on Hostel, I feel like Eli Roth was trying to use this as a vehicle for some sort of social commentary. Sadly, I don't know what it was.
Possible social commentary #1: Paying for prostitutes is bad.
PSC #2: Everyone should be bilingual.
PSC #3: Americans are not really looked upon favorably, so we should work on improving our image. Although our embassies are not to be trusted so never go there when you run into trouble.
PSC #4: Anything that comes easily is probably really bad.
PSC #5: Buy a camera phone, especially one that works in Europe
PSC #5: If you want a toe, I can get you a toe.

My suggestion is to watch some porn movie clips, then watch a video of a hip replacement surgery. You will have saved yourself ten bucks. Better yet, go to some other movie early and sneak in to watch the first thirty minutes of Hostel.

However, it is somewhat entertaining, so wait for Netflix.

Munich

2006-01-08T23:36:00.000-08:00

This was one of those movies that shows the struggle between doing what one must in order to serve justice, and following the rational course of action for peace. It's an extremely serious and dramatic movie, with a great deal of tension throughout; however if you're not into social and political commentary then this is not a movie that you should see.

The film opens at the 1972 Munich Olympic games, with the violent kidnapping of 11 members of the Israeli Olympic team by the Palestinian terrorist group Black September. The events over the next day and night are shown with actual news footage from all over the world, ending with the murder of all 11 athletes during the gunfight at the Munich airport. In response to the Palestinian attacks, the Israeli government hires one of the Prime Minister's former bodyguards, Avnir (Eric Bana) to secretly exact vengeance upon all Palestinians who were involved in planning the terrorist attack. Avnir is given four team members, each with his own specialty, to assist him in these missions, and once all of the names on the list have been eliminated, the team will be allowed to return home. Avnir locates his targets with the assistance of a rather shady Frenchman, Louis (Mathieu Amalric), who says that he can find anyone on the list as long as Avnir is not affiliated with any governments. Each time they locate a target, they form a carefully planned strategy for his elimination, and complete it with varying degrees of success. As they kill more and more names from their original list, the Israeli government provides them with new names as well, and Avnir gradually begins to question the effectiveness of his mission as well as his own shrinking humanity.

The movie was consistently engaging, and I felt very tense throughout most of it. The continual flashbacks to the Black September kidnapping and eventual murder of the Israeli athletes were by far the most powerful and difficult parts of the movie, as the plight of the terrified and helpless athletes is forced upon the audience. Director Steven Spielberg doesn't necessarily take Israel's side completely, however, as whatever vengeance is taken serves only to escalate the tensions between Israel and Palestine, which inevitably results in more attacks and more innocent blood. Avnir's inner conflict throughout the movie serves to demonstrate this struggle, which is shared by most of his team as well--the initially overpowering need for vengeance becomes diluted with the dawning realization that no matter how many Palestinian terrorists they kill, more will always rise to replace them. As they begin to wonder whether their mission will ever end, they are suddenly confronted with the fact that they themselves are being hunted as well.

Mostly, this movie seemed to be a commentary on the nature of vengeance as well as the need to protect one's family and homeland. Avnir, like the audience, struggles with his actions, wondering whether Israel is correct in compromising its values in order to punish the terrorists by taking their lives.

All in all, I thought the movie was quite good, although some might find it a little boring in many parts. While the action scenes were extremely gripping and full of tension, this movie is mostly an observation of our own humanity. It is certainly a powerful one, and relevant to today's political environment, but if you aren't into the "man's struggle with his own conscience" movies, then I would recommend skipping this one. Honestly though, I think almost anyone would really like this movie, especially given the current state of affairs, so I would strongly recommend it to all.

Fun with Dick and Jane

2006-01-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

The most surprising thing to me about Fun with Dick and Jane, aside from the fact that I really liked it, was that Jim Carrey wasn't hamming it up nearly as much as I was expecting. Maybe it was Tea Leoni who didn't let him completely hog the spotlight, or maybe the guy is mellowing somewhat, but either way, he wasn't overwhelming. Think Jim Carrey from The Truman Show as opposed to Jim Carrey from The Mask or even Bruce Almighty. This combination of a toned-down Carrey with extremely funny scenes and dialogue made this movie surprisingly fun to watch.

The story takes place in 2000, prior to the Enron scandal and that hardened criminal Martha Stewart, wherein Dick Harper (Jim Carrey) has just gotten a huge promotion to VP of Communications at Globodyne Corporation. Unbeknownst to him, of course, the company is on the verge of tanking, as CEO Jack McAllister (Alec Baldwin) has been siphoning off money from false profits and just sold more than 80% of his stock. He pretty much screws the whole town over, as the 6,000 employees of Globodyne suddenly find themselves jobless, with worthless pension plans and little savings left after the company's stock crashed within a manner of minutes. Now, with Dick's wife, Jane (Tea Leoni), having quit her job just before the bust, and over 6,000 other competitors in a scarce job market, Dick and Jane are forced to take drastic measures and sell their plasma tv! There's still one bright spot for them, however, which is that despite selling their BMW, losing their electricity and being forced to shower in the neighbors' lawn sprinklers, they have still managed to continue the employment of their maid. Whew.

The movie really picks up at this point, when Dick and Jane are finally forced to choose a life of crime. Their initial attempts are somewhat clumsy, but Dick manages to find success even during his first try, when he steals a slushee from a convenience store and saves $1.25. I had found the movie to be rather unexceptional up until this point, at which time things really got really good. Each new caper comes with a different costume and a more elaborate and financially rewarding plan, and it was during one of these such scenes that I started crying from laughing so hard. While Jim Carrey seems able to produce all sorts of weird voices, never have I been so amused as when he sounded identical to Michael Winslow from Spaceballs and the Police Academy movies. Granted, Carrey and Leoni had some help from vocal synthesizers, but nevertheless, it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Tea Leoni was an excellent match up for Jim Carrey--the two worked so well together, and Leoni even managed to prevent Carrey from constantly upstaging her. She seemed perfectly at ease in her role, and I was surprised at her ability to be so funny. With the addition of several supporting characters, like former Globodyne CFO Frank Boscom (Richard Jenkins) and ex coworker Oz (Carlos Jacott), who were both extremely complimentary to the story, I found myself surprisingly entertained at almost every moment. I really loved the goofy but witty look at corruption in big corporations, and the movie always kept things from getting too serious.

I definitely recommend Fun with Dick and Jane, because despite a somewhat unremarkable start during the first half hour or so, when this movie went into full stride it was hilarious. True, if you hate Jim Carrey then stay away, because even though he's not as in your face as he has been in the past, the style of humor is still very much the same. But otherwise this is a silly (but not immature) flick that will easily get some laughs.

Rumor Has It

2006-01-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

What is up with these "romantic comedies" that aren't really all that funny? Once again I was disappointed with what I had anticipated would be a hilarious movie. This is not to say that Rumor Has It wasn't funny at all or devoid of merit, but the scenes that did make me laugh were somewhat few and far between. I would say that it's definitely more of a "cute" movie.

The idea for the film is quite interesting, actually, as it tells us what happened to the family upon whom The Graduate was based. Sarah Huttinger (Jennifer Aniston) is traveling back home to Pasedena California with her fiance, Jeff (Mark Ruffalo), for her sister's wedding. Family gatherings of any kind make Sarah extremely nervous and uptight, as she has never been able to fit in with the rest of her relatives and therefore feels extremely out of place. When Sarah confides to her grandmother, Katharine (Shirley MacLaine), that she is feeling unsure about her engagement to perfect-guy Jeff, Katharine lets it slip that Sarah's mother had felt so anxious about her marriage to Sarah's father, that she had actually skipped out of town to Mexico one week before the wedding. After a little more investigating, Sarah discovers that her mother and her grandmother actually slept with the same guy, and that their affair was the inspiration for the book and movie The Graduate. What's more, Jeff helpfully points out that Sarah was born less than 9 months after her parents marriage, meaning that her father might in actuality be Beau Burroughs (Kevin Costner)--the graduate himself.

So, is Beau Burroughs her biological father? I fucking hope not, because we already know from the previews that Sarah follows in her grandmother's and mother's footsteps by sleeping with the guy too, and I was simply not prepared to deal with the resulting yuck factor. Needless to say, however, Sarah confronts Beau about his history with the women in her family, and is forced to confront her own future with Jeff in the process by participating in this bizarre rite of passage

There were definitely some funny moments in this movie, though not enough to constitute a full-blown comedy. While it never gets too serious (like The Family Stone), it doesn't necessarily move all that quickly either, and I found myself somewhat restless as the movie's end grew nearer. Jennifer Aniston, despite sleeping with another man while engaged to Jeff, miraculously manages to remain as lovable as ever, with a natural charisma that pervades everything she does. She has some funny lines here and there, as does Mark Ruffalo, but Shirley MacLaine has the best character in the movie by far. Her "don't screw with me" attitude was consistently entertaining, and despite an extremely contrived screaming scene between way too many people, I thought all of her scenes were good.

I would probably wait for the DVD on this one--I definitely don't think it was a bad movie, but you won't be missing anything by waiting a few more months to see it. Then again, you just gotta love movies where the actors play characters who are the inspiration for the characters played by different actors in an earlier film.

The Producers

2006-01-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

Better than Rent, but still not quite as awesome as Chicago. It took me about 20 minutes to adjust to the extremely strange musical style of this movie, but once I got a feel for it, I was shocked that I actually really liked it.

Broadway producer Max Bialystock(Nathan Lane) has made his career on the backs (or frontsides, rather) of little old ladies who will gladly fork over their money to finance his productions, which are usually flops. Then again, the duds aren't necessarily all that bad for him, inasmuch as he can skim off the top a little here and there knowing full well that the IRS is probably not going to investigate the finances of a failed show. But in walks delicate accountant Leo Bloom (Matthew Broderick) one day, who notices the missing money but agrees to overlook it, leading the duo to mastermind a plan to intentionally produce the worst play ever and use some "creative accounting" to cover up the holes. After Leo decides to have some random hysterics that confused the hell out of me, the two set to work searching for the worst play ever written, hiring the worst director and cast of actors in town, and raising $2 million from little old ladies which will in actuality finance their escape to Rio following the production. This they do, and quite well--finding Franz Liebkind's (Will Ferrell) script, "Springtime for Hitler," which is certain to offend everyone, and hiring Carmen Ghia (Roger Bart), the gayest (literally) director in Broadway, whose creed is that no matter what you're doing, one must always "keep it happy, keep it light, keep it gay." Their master plan set in motion, they await opening night with great anticipation of an enormous failure that will make them wildly rich.

As I said before, this was an extremely strange movie to understand at first--at least for me, having limited experience with musicals in general. I was at first struck with an immense dread within the first five minutes, when I realized that the movie was shot as though the performance were on a stage rather than a film. The actors were literally shouting, while overemphasizing facial expressions and gestures to an extreme degree, which made me feel quite annoyed during the beginning sequences. Once I got past this agitation and initial shock, however, I found it easy to sink into the natural rhythm of the movie and was surprised to discover that I really liked this movie.

Quite simply, it was absolutely hilarious, especially during the scenes with Will Ferrell's German character, Franz, and his rather well choreographed pigeons. The director, Carmen, and his entourage were also hysterical, and I could hardly take notes for laughing so hard during their songs. Much in the same way that I enjoyed the music from Chicago, I loved the songs from this movie. Everything was so well written and witty that I honestly want to see this movie again, and as I am not generally a fan of musicals, I am sure that anyone who is will most certainly like this one. I would even recommend it to those who might be hesitant, because the actual number of songs was minimal, and when they did occur I found them to be catchy and extremely funny.

Seriously, if I could really enjoy The Producers, then I'm sure almost anyone with a satirically minded sense of humor will as well. But if you already like this kind of thing, then I can't recommend more strongly that you don't miss this one.

2006 Revues

2006-01-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my extended Christmas/New Years vacation, so new reviews will be posted soon. It's kind of nice being completely disconnected from the internet for several weeks, but I've really missed the sticky floors, stale popcorn and jacked up ticket prices from my beloved movie theater down the street. I'll be doing a double dip (possibly even a triple dip) tomorrow in order to catch up.

Happy New Year everyone!

Badlogik Guest Review: Wolf Creek

2005-12-29T22:04:00.000-08:00

A great big thanks to guest reviewer Steve from Badlogik for writing the following review!

If you've seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then throw in some Crocodile Dundee and you've pretty much already seen this film, but copying Texas Chainsaw is kinda what films like this do and if that's your thing, then Wolf Creek does it well.

Ten or so years ago, Australian News sources were selling out on stories of serial killers preying on hitchhikers and tourists. There were apparently two guys, and the list of their crimes is pretty sick. Their curriculum vitaes include the usual rape, murder, dismemberment and torture, so of course someone made a movie about it. The film is actually only very loosely based on those stories, but still manages to have its creepy moments.

The first 45 minutes or so go sorta slow. It begins as the characters buy a car, get drunk, be drunk, be drunk some more, and then go to the beach and run around like fools. One of the girls runs out to the ocean in naught but her panties and then magically runs back with shorts on. After ignoring the continuity break, the journey begins... and... uh... begins some more... Greg McLean apparently felt the need to really drive home how long their drive to Wolf Creek really was by having the actors sing really bad songs and drive a lot.

Once they near their destination, the story picks up. They meet some outback locals acting all scummy and weird as they fill up their tank, but manage to avoid conflict. They eventually make it to Wolf Creek, which is apparently some large crater in the middle of Australia. Its actually pretty cool, but if I know stupid, its driving across a continent to go to some giant hole in the ground for three hours only to drive back home. Luckily for the viewer, the protagonists are unable to make that long boring Mad Libs song-filled journey, as their newly purchased car performs exactly like every other car in every other horror movie that has a car; that is to say, it doesn't start for some mysterious unexplained reason. Then comes the requisite waiting around in the dark only to be saved by some random country guy.

If there's one thing I learned from movies, country folk are not to be trusted. They will kill you and/or do naughty things with your body at the first opportunity. Having never seen a movie, the three characters are overjoyed to find that some creepy looking Crocodile Dundee wannabe shows up and decides to tow them to some junkyard in the middle of the desert. That is the only place they can find the one amazing piece of car that will magically restore their vehicle to working state of course, and never would this fine fellow in dirty dungarees and bad teeth rape, murder, dismember, or torture them. So the plot thickens.

While it may seem I already have, I don't want to ruin all the details for you. Plus, the rest of the film gets... icky, and I'd rather not describe it. If you are not the type to watch slasher films like the great TCM, then you'll want to avoid Wolf Creek. Freaky imagery and scary music played on aluminum siding fill the rest of the flick. Even so, there are some stand-out moments--while guns are not the favored weapon of psycho killers, the rifle scene is shocking and powerful. If your stomach can handle the icky stuff, and scary movies are your thing, watch Wolf Creek.

The Family Stone

2005-12-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does the poster for this movie look like someone is flipping you off?

The first thing I have to say about The Family Stone is that it's not quite as much of a comedy as the marketing efforts might lead one to believe. I was thinking it was going to be something along the lines of "Meet the Parents," but it was way too serious and much less goofy. The film maintains a rather lighthearted tone for the most part and was pretty funny as well, but there was a much heavier dose of drama then I had anticipated. I liked the movie quite a bit, but the mood often alternated from dramatic to funny to extremely awkward and back again.

This is your basic clash-of-personalities set up. Meredith (Sarah Jessica Parker) is coming home for Christmas with her boyfriend, Everett (Dermot Mulroney), to meet his family for the first time. Meredith is extremely reserved and old-fashioned, which is an instant mismatch with the relaxed and easy-going Stone family. Amy Stone (Rachel McAdams), having already met Meredith during a visit to New York, warns everyone that Meredith is completely uptight and snooty, with an abhorrent habit of clearing her throat. Absolutely disgusting. So, when Meredith offers everyone a well-mannered handshake instead of a hug, the family summarily dismisses her as being a very horrid person indeed. After a series of awkward interactions with the family members and some appallingly cold treatment from Amy, Meredith decides it's a bit too much for her to handle and checks into a hotel room while calling her sister, Julie (Claire Danes), in for backup. When Julie finally makes it out to the house, however, Meredith becomes even more disheartened when she sees the entire Stone family take an instant liking to her sister.

There are actually several other little subplots occurring aside from the main "everyone hates Meredith" storyline, some of which are funny and others that are quite serious and dramatic. Certain scenes were downright awkward, and not in a comedic way. This really threw me off at first, but thankfully I didn't feel completely sucker punched, as the funny parts really were pretty hysterical when they occurred. Even when things started to get a bit heavy, I could always count on Luke Wilson's character, Ben Stone, to do or say something funny that eased not only the other characters' tension but the audience's as well. But it was strange at first, having to get used to the oscillating tones of the film.

This is a movie that I definitely recommend, but only if one doesn't expect a 100% goofy comedy, because while I really enjoyed the funny scenes—of which there are many—I can't say that this film was marketed properly. I wasn't pissed at this unexpected serious side like I was when watching "Prime," probably because this story was consistently engaging whereas Prime was neither funny nor interesting. You'll get your money's worth with this movie, but only if you want to watch a comedy/drama. If that's the case, then you will enjoy the well-balanced Family Stone.

King Kong

2005-12-20T22:11:00.000-08:00

"Excuse me, but if your people built this wall to keep King Kong out, well then why build a door large enough for him to get through? For that matter, Kong's a giant monkey, why can't he just climb over the wall? And come on, I mean there can't just be one Kong, there's got to be others." -Robot Chicken

In short, this movie was fucking awesome if you like any of the following: spectacular and suspenseful action scenes, wide arrays of prehistoric and/or grotesquely overgrown creatures, great dialogue and convincing acting performances, a meaningful plot, and stunning but not overdone special effects. Sound appealing? If so, then get to the theater, like tonight, and see King Kong. You won't be disappointed, but be sure to buy some snacks because it's over three hours of all these goodies.

You probably know the basics of the story. Set in the midst of the Great Depression in 1930's L.A., film producer Carl Denham (Jack Black) has just been informed that his current project is being cancelled. Having come into possession of a mysterious map that details an ancient and undiscovered island, Carl is desperate to film his movie, and to do so on this island. So, with the cops on his heels, he quickly signs a recently unemployed Vaudevillian actress, Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts), to be the leading female star of the movie, and off they sail along with handsome movie star Bruce Baxter (Kyle Chandler), and well-known playwright Jack Driscoll (Adrien Brody) in search of this mythical place. After nearly crashing on the shore of the eerie island, they find that it is not as deserted as they had anticipated, and the natives aren't the friendliest lot. Ann is offered up to some fearsome beast, and Carl and Jack are left on the other side of a giant wall, listening to her screams but not knowing what she faces. Finally, the audience gets its first glimpse at Kong, and with him, a whole mess of other terrifying and ravenous creatures that provide a decent amount of hassle for both Kong and Ann's rescue party.

For once, this is a classic-film remake that was extremely well done; Peter Jackson has really proven that he can be trusted with behemoth projects that other directors would most likely massacre in misguided attempts to entertain audiences with short attention spans. Still, my attention didn't wander anywhere, but I betrayed my feminine nerves many times when I let out several girlish shrieks during some of the more tense scenes.

I absolutely loved the abundant creature action in this movie-—from giant carnivorous bugs, velociraptors, and huge man-eating bats, it was just one seriously bad thing after another for these people to face. Kong himself has to come to Ann's aid on numerous occasions, fighting off two—no, make that three T-Rex's all whilst maintaining a firm yet not suffocating grip on Ann to protect her from these perils. Ridiculous, yet fun, and extremely exciting to watch.

So yes, it is three hours long, and sure there are some drawn-out moments when Jack looks into Ann's eyes, and Ann looks into Kong's eyes, and Carl greedily rubs his hands together in anticipation of profit, but it really shouldn't be a surprise after the LOTR trilogy that Peter Jackson likes the slow-mo effect. If you can't sit through three hours, then wait for the DVD and watch it at home—but do watch it, because it is a fantastic movie. I couldn't have been happier with it.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

2005-12-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

Fans of C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia will most certainly enjoy this movie, but those unfamiliar with the books might find this story, with all its nymphs, fauns, centaurs and talking animals to be a bit cheesy. Having adored the novels when I was kid, I was extremely pleased that here was an adaptation that stuck remarkably close to the source material, and really managed to capture the spirit of the Narnian universe.

The story takes place during the second World War, wherein children are often sent out of London in order to escape the nightly air raids. Such is the case for the four Pevensie children, Peter, Susan, Edmond and Lucy, whose mother sends them off to stay with Professor Kirke in the English countryside. While playing hide and seek in the mansion one day, Lucy, the youngest of the four, hides in a wardrobe in one of the many spare rooms. This is apparently not the kind of wardrobe one buys at IKEA, as it has so much space that it in fact contains a portal to another world. No sooner has she stepped into this snowy land, when she meets Mr. Tumnus, a friendly faun who is so startled at her appearance in Narnia that he invites her back to his house for afternoon tea. Apparently this strange child molester vibe completely escaped me when I read these books as a kid, but I must admit it was a bit disconcerting to watch a grown man/faun (what have you) enticing a little girl back to his house with promises of candy. Mr. Tumnus, it turns out, is under orders to turn over any humans to Narnia’s evil queen, known by the local populace as The White Witch, who is the cause of Narnia’s 100 year-long winter. Mr. Tumnus changes his mind, however, and helps Lucy return back through the wardrobe into the spare room. Her siblings don’t believe her story, but eventually, of course, they find themselves running away from the strict housekeeper one day and hide in the wardrobe only to find that Lucy was right about Narnia all along. Unfortunately, Mr. Tumnus has been arrested for his failure to turn Lucy over to The White Witch, but with the timely aid of a talking beaver, the children are sheltered away before The White Witch learns of their presence. What follows is an adventure across Narnia in an attempt to save the land from The White Witch even as Aslan, an all-powerful lion returns to save the inhabitants from the witch’s tyrannical and evil rule.

Yes, there is a Christian-like parable within this story, what with the sacrifice of Aslan in Edmond’s stead and all, but then again, there were also many elements in the film that had absolutely nothing to do with Christianity whatsoever. Unless of course Father Christmas/Santa Claus had some heretofore unknown role in the Last Supper and the twelve disciples were actually talking horses—I’m not exactly religious so I can’t claim to be an expert, but I think this movie is meant to be a nice, imaginative story more than anything else.

This adaptation of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is by far the best I have seen—the casting was excellent, the special effects were perfect, and the screenplay was remarkably true to the book. Some parts were admittedly a bit on the cheesy side (e.g. the whole Santa Claus bit), but anyone who read and enjoyed the books won’t have too much trouble with it. The action was exciting, although extremely G-rated—for instance, during a battle sequence, some characters actually threw rocks at the bad guys as some sort of newfound military tactic, no doubt. All in all, I was delighted with the movie and recommend it to kids, those who read the books, and anyone who enjoys a good fantasy film.

Syriana

2005-12-15T23:54:00.000-08:00

Better bring a notepad and pen for this one. Syriana is a serious and politically charged movie, wherein the plot and message is not handed to the viewer on a silver platter (or gold or bronze or any other material with which one might make a platter). This film is quite difficult to follow, so if you have trouble keeping track of multiple storylines, especially schizophrenic and disjointed ones, then I'm serious about bringing along that notepad.

There are at least six separate plotlines within Syriana, many of which are deeply connected with each other, while others only loosly, and some not at all. Bob Barnes (George Clooney) works deep within the CIA, carrying out highly illegal operations in the Middle East that serve the best interests of the United States. In the opening scenes, he sells two missiles to an Iranian customer who has no idea that he is about to be blown up by the ill-gotten weapons as soon as Bob strolls outside. Unfortunately for George Clooney, however, Bob's plan isn't executed with quite the perfection that he had come to expect after his exploits in Ocean's 11. Meanwhile, back in the United States, two giant oil companies, Connex Oil and Killen Company, await final approval from the Justice Department in order to complete a merger that will give Connex Oil the rights to drill in Kazakhstan, which Killen Oil had recently won. The circumstances of Killen's contract with Kazakhstan are legally puzzling, leading the government to believe that the company paid someone off in order to win the rights. Bennett Holiday (Jeffrey Wright) is put in charge of due diligence for the merger, but his true, unspoken job is to find someone high up in Killen or Connex who can be a fall guy. The illusion of due diligence is really the key, since the US government doesn't really want to prevent a merger that would give the country those coveted exclusive drilling rights.

Yet another storyline begins as well, this one in Geneva, Switzerland with Bryan Woodman (Matt Damon), an energy analyst whose firm is vying for an advisory position to Emir Hamed Al-Subaai, the King (aka Emir) of a fictional Middle Eastern country. The Emir has two sons, the oldest of whom, Prince Nasir (Alexander Siddig), stands on the brink of succession to the throne as his aging father's health fails. The younger son, Prince Meshal (Akbar Kurtha), jealously watches his older brother handle state affairs, but is mostly content to squander whatever fortune he is given. The Emir and Prince Nasir have just signed a contract with China, giving the Chinese drilling rights in their country, much to the indignation of the United States. As Bryan Woodman wins Prince Nasir's trust and eventual contract, powerful players in the United States government seek ways to prevent Prince Nasir's ascension to the Emir's throne by ingratiating themselves to the younger, infinitely greedier Prince Meshal. The question quickly becomes: since Prince Nasir is a reformist seeking to embrace capitalism and democracy, why then does the United States oppose his leadership, even going so far as to plan his assassination?

Each of these storylines, as well as a few others, connect with each other in different ways and to varying degrees. The movie is told in a disorderly fashion, following the progression of each story for several minutes before abruptly switching to another. What is most interesting in the film is the inherent debate over morality and necessity, which is presented through various points of view. Needless to say, viewers will have much to think about as they leave the theater.

I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of this film, except for brief stretch of time during a particularly unpleasant scene when I scampered out of the theater. Otherwise, I fully recommend Syriana to those who enjoy serious films with controversial and complex political topics.

Yours, Mine & Ours

2005-12-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

No surprises here, folks. Yours, Mine & Ours is your basic family drama/"comedy" wherein a zillion kids are up to shenanigans while their parents try to work out their cookie-cutter differences in time for a heart-warming ending. With like, a basquillion kids.

Frank Beardsley (Dennis Quaid) and Helen White (Rene Russo), once high school sweethearts, each find themselves recently widowed with an entire litter of children. Frank and his 8 kids have just moved yet again, this time to Frank's hometown of New London. As an admiral in the U.S. Coast Guard, Frank has stereotypically brought his regimented military lifestyle into the family's routine as well--training all of his kids to "sound off" and perform all sorts of other military family cliches. Helen, meanwhile, is the exact opposite--letting her children shriek incessantly and run wild around the house, and in general make a mess of things. Thankfully, the movie wastes little time with the reunion and subsequent rekindling of romance between Frank and Helen, but the news of their impromptu wedding is not quite what their children wanted to hear. Despite the fact that both Helen and Frank are blissfully happy together and perfectly wonderful to their new stepchildren, both the White kids and the Beardsley kids decide that the marriage must be destroyed. I mean, they are all so different! William (the eldest Beardsley) and Dylan (the eldest White) have a difference of opinion as to how their room will be decorated, as do the two eldest girls of the respective families. Clearly these are irreconcilable differences and therefore befitting of the plan to rip out their parents' hearts by destroying a happy marriage. Touching.

At first, the kids declare war on each other, by mixing up the bathroom schedules (haha!) and then setting off the fire alarm in order to evacuate the offending clan. Unfortunately for the kids, however, Frank and Helen keep planning all manner of bonding activities in order to encourage peace, but all to no avail. The kids decide to unite against their common enemy and, again, break their parents' hearts in the process, by setting up various hijinks that will highlight the glaringly obvious differences in personality. Ah, I love these hijinks--what clever little strategies will those kids come up with next? Meanwhile, as Frank tells Helen a little story about the creatively-named "Beautiful Lighthouse Keeper," the audience is slapped repeatedly in the face with the fact that this story will almost certainly come into play at the end when drastic measures must be taken to save the marriage. As the blatant personality differences between Frank and Helen are slowly discovered by the same, the marriage begins to suffer just as the kids begin to get along. Literally no one is surprised by any of these developments.

This movie wasn't horrible, but it wasn't uproariously funny or noteworthy for anything other than having a freaking ton of kids. There were a few, brief moments that brought a smile to my face, but the story was so ridiculously predictable that it was hard to be surprised or entertained. It's probably a cute movie for parents and kids alike, but otherwise I can't recommend it. I do suggest waiting for the DVD at the very least, because while Yours, Mine & Ours is a harmless and easy-going film, it's certainly nothing remarkable.

In the Mix

2005-12-08T23:55:00.000-08:00

Why can’t Usher just do semi-biographical movies like every other self-respecting rapper? At least that way I would have left the theater feeling somewhat inspired rather than catatonic.

In the Mix does not, unfortunately, tell the story of how Usher rose to fame from humble beginnings; instead, it tells the monstrously predictable story of how Darrell (Usher), a popular DJ with aspirations of owning his own record label, falls in love with long-time family friend, Dolly (Emmanuelle Chriqui), the daughter of Jersey mob boss Frank Paccelli (Chazz Palminteri). At Frank’s request, Darrell agrees to DJ for Dolly’s homecoming party, wherein the audience is forced to tolerate the maddening demeanor of Frank Junior (Anthony Fazio), who is clearly meant to be over-the-top (success) and zany (failure) but is mostly just annoying as all get out. The characters are enjoying this extremely boring party, when suddenly Darrell can see events in slow motion! This is certainly lucky, because it allows him to perceive an attempted drive-by shooting, and then continue moving at normal speed such that he can dive in front of Frank and take the bullet, even though he was halfway across the room when the shooter pulled the trigger. Superman himself would have been proud. Frank decides that Dolly now needs protection wherever she goes, but Dolly is stereotypically headstrong and doesn’t like any of the available body guards—well, this is understandable, because when she surveys the three contenders, one of them is eating a sandwich, which clearly shows that he’s a disgusting slob. Gross! And besides, since Darrell apparently possesses abilities far beyond those of mortal men, he’s the most logical choice by far.

It gets worse. Much, much worse. Dolly is all cross with Darrell for being her bodyguard despite the fact that she chose him in the first place (?), so she devises a clever strategy to make him quit by taking him to a spa. Not since Hilary Duff in the 2005’s smash hit, The Perfect Man, has such a genius Machiavellian plan been conceived, yet shockingly, it does not succeed! Several mind-numbing scenes, vacuous strings of dialogue, and archetypal characters later, the ending that we all knew was going to occur finally made its appearance with shocking new levels of idiocy. One of the worst “dying” lines in the history of cinema is uttered, and an excruciating wrap-up scene is forced upon the audience. I absolutely could not bring myself to watch the snapshot scenes during the credits, so I cannot speak to their entertainment value or likely lack thereof.

The underlying plot itself is not necessarily without merit, however it is perhaps told in the most boring and aggravating manner conceivable. As this veritable train wreck of a movie began careening itself toward my own personal hell, I started to consider the possibility that it was perhaps written with the intention of being hideous, which would present the audience with an opportunity to laugh—much like the Leprechaun franchise. It was simply too oversimplistic and horrendously written to be taken seriously, so surely it must have been intentional. Amazingly, however, even this “derisive enjoyment” approach failed as soon as one of the characters invariably attempted to give the audience a “serious moment,” perhaps in a vain attempt to showcase acting abilities that simply did not exist (with the exception of Chazz Palminteri).

I only recommend this movie to masochists. Seriously, just pull out that $10 bill and torch it, because it’s a better use for the money.

Aeon Flux

2005-12-06T23:53:00.000-08:00

Geeks like me love movies like Aeon Flux—the kind of film wherein one is always striving, ever so slightly, to maintain a firm understanding of the plot while a myriad of futuristic gadgets and scenarios spontaneously appear, adding constant mystery to the story. This movie falls firmly within the realm of sci-fi, so while the story is imaginative and the action is respectable, those with a distaste for comic-booky science fiction might prefer to wait for the DVD. Personally, however, I thought Aeon Flux was awesome.

In the year 2011 a catastrophic virus kills 99% of the world’s population before a vaccine is finally developed by geneticist Trevor Goodchild (Marton Csokas). The remaining 5 million people must live within the confines of Bregna (the last city on earth), which is ruled by Goodchild himself for over 400 years. And don’t start bothering with questions as to how it is possible for one man to rule a city-state for 400 years—it just is. A small but powerful group of rebels and assassins known as the Monicans seek to overthrow the totalitarian government, which just might be possible using the deadly skill of their top agent, Aeon Flux (Charlize Theron). Communicating telepathically with some sort of psychosomatic pill, The Handler (Frances McDormand) informs Aeon of the mission she has been waiting years for—the assassination of Trevor Goodchild himself. She and fellow Monican agent Sithandra (Sophie Okonedo), who had her feet surgically replaced with an extra pair of hands, break into the high-security government compound and evade the barrage of poisonous darts simply with a combination of backflips and running quickly. Because we all know, a bullet/dart/arrow can’t hit you if you’re in the midst of a backflip. When Aeon’s carefully-planned opportunity to kill Goodchild presents itself, however, she is inexplicably unable to pull the trigger. She suddenly realizes that something is horribly amiss, and after several gunfights, hand-to-hand combats, and various other altercations, it becomes clear that Goodchild may not actually be the bad guy.

Apart from the sci-fi aspects of the film, I really enjoyed the basic mystery behind the plot, which really had only one major hole. The story in itself is not necessarily revolutionary, as viruses and certain genetic experiments are not new, but as a futuristic idea the plot worked quite well—especially with the set designs looking remarkably similar to an Apple computer store. Why does the future always look that way anyway? Some of my friends pointed out that the previews for this movie gave away some of the more intriguing aspects, which is certainly true, although not to such an extent that the audience is not left with any surprises. Trust me, there is more than enough material to confuse you, although I admit some scenes would have been far cooler were one completely taken by surprise. Additionally, the film is only loosely based on the MTV series, so don’t be too annoyed if it’s nothing like what you remember, although supposedly many of the same gadgetry and aesthetics were taken directly from the show.

I highly, highly recommend Aeon Flux to those who enjoy sci-fi and fantasy type stories. Everything is cool to look at, Charlize Theron is awesome in her first action-hero role, and the mystery was intriguing and well-paced. I loved this movie, but if you’re not into quirky comic book-type films, then be forewarned that Aeon Flux is heavy on the fantasy elements.

Rent

2005-12-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

All in all, Rent was a decent movie—not quite, in my opinion, up to the standards set by Chicago (2002), but for those who enjoy musicals, I am sure this will not disappoint.

Rent is the story of one year in the life of seven friends, four of whom live in an apartment building scheduled for demolition, some of whom have AIDS, and all of whom live the so-called “bohemian lifestyle,” whatever the hell that is. From what I could tell, it basically meant not wanting to pay rent and subsisting on some sort of low-paying artistic venture. The story begins on Christmas Eve in 1989, wherein all the residents of an apartment building are burning trash and eviction notices and throwing them in flames out of the window, while singing a merry tune about refusing to pay rent. The landlord, Benny (Taye Diggs), is understandably irritated by this behavior, but because being successful and gainfully employed is frowned upon in this movie, Benny is the asshole and we all hate his stupid middle-class guts! And also, his hair is dumb. Meanwhile, Mimi (Rosario Dawson), who lives in the apartment below Roger and Mark, decides that Roger (Adam Pascal) is not too shabby and goes ahead and hits on him. Probably because he has never had a gorgeous woman flirt with him before, Roger rebuffs her initial advances, and makes up some nonsense about having issues and baggage, and blah blah blah. The next day, Roger and Mark’s friend Tom Collins (the guy from Law & Order) shows up with his new boyfriend, Angel (Wilson Jermaine Heredia), a charismatic fellow who nursed Collins back to health after an unfortunate mugging incident. From there Collins and Angel try to convince Roger to accompany them to group sessions for those suffering from AIDS, since Roger refuses to live life to its fullest, especially when it comes to Mimi. Mark (Anthony Rapp), meanwhile, is trying to film a documentary as well as help his ex-girlfriend, Maureen, with her upcoming protest over the scheduled apartment demolition. Mark is somewhat uncomfortable with this, however, as he must work alongside Maureen’s new girlfriend, Joanne (Tracie Thoms), for whom Maureen dumped Mark. The two soon develop a rapport, however, having shared the same insecurities in their respective relationships with the fickle Maureen.

Roger finally decides to take Mimi on a date to Maureen’s protest rally (?), which starts off strangely, and then gradually becomes more and more bizarre and annoying until it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The characters all seemed to think that Maureen’s discussions of cows jumping over the moon with forks and spoons were hilariously ingenious, but I have to admit I questioned the relevance of children’s nursery rhymes to neighborhood re-zoning issues. The “protest” mercifully ends and the movie goes on to its second half, in which all of the characters develop and grow over the course of the year, each having to deal with a variety of personal struggles.

I thought Rent was a decent movie, extremely long, but just interesting enough to hold my attention. It’s a very artistic movie, much like its characters, so if you enjoy that genre then you will love this film. If, however, you’re expecting something along the lines of Chicago, you might be somewhat disappointed, as the dialogue is extremely limited, with songs nearly every 5 seconds. I don’t mean to say this is bad, but if you already tend to shy away from musicals then beware. Otherwise, I recommend Rent, but it might not be a horrible idea to wait for the DVD.

Just Friends

2005-12-01T23:32:00.000-08:00

The unthinkable happened while I was watching this movie, and it occurred within the first five minutes and lasted throughout the entire duration of the film. Ryan Reynolds and freaking Chris Klein made me laugh--and not just a vaguely amused chuckle either--I'm talking use-my-inhaler-because-I'm-laughing-so-hard funny. Seriously! The two most unlikely actors, paired together no less, made me laugh so much and so often, that I have half a mind to see this stupid movie again before it leaves the theaters. I would even pay the full $10 to see it again instead of sneaking in for a double-dip.

Ryan Reynolds plays Chris Brander, an overweight nice guy who is in love with his best friend, Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart). Reynolds hams it up while wearing the fat suit, singing along to All 4 One's "I Swear," wearing a retainer, and sporting a nifty 'fro, but he finally works up the courage to tell Jamie how he really feels about her. When Jamie tells him that she loves him more as a brother than a boyfriend, his mean-spirited classmates mercilessly laugh at him, and he storms off on his bike, not to return for 10 years. With a vastly improved physical figure, a high-paying job in the music industry, and a newfound prowess with the ladies, Chris is suddenly reunited with his high school past when he gets stranded on the way to Paris after the ridiculous antics of his superstar client, Samantha James (Anna Faris). Samantha being the new "it girl" in Hollywood, it is Chris's sad misfortune to have to kiss up to her at his boss's insistence. Happily for the audience, however, Chris's misfortune is our enjoyment, therefore rendering all of his scenes with the over-the-top and completely psychotic Samantha uproariously entertaining. While Chris has his younger brother distract Samantha (which was also highly amusing), he makes several failed attempts to romance Jamie, who seems immune to his new charms and only interested in the older, nerdier side of him that she remembers from high school. Competition for Jamie's affection comes in the form of Dusty Dinkelman (Chris Klein), formerly a pimply loser who was also in love with Jamie and is now a handsome Johnny-Do-Gooder. Of course, we all know Dusty's intentions can't be as honorable as they seem, and only Chris sees through Dusty's well-played "nice guy" act, which just happens to be more successful than his own.

The plot itself is obviously nothing all that astonishing, so what makes this movie so hilarious is that it doesn't play on the predictable jokes that I had fully anticipated. Ryan Reynolds actually made more than one facial expression and seemed to have more than one gimmick as well--in fact there was one scene in which he reminded me strongly of Jim Carrey. Chris's interactions with his brother, Mike, were consistently hysterical, and anytime Samantha was in a scene I knew with absolute certainty that I would be laughing throughout. The supporting characters, especially Chris's mom, were perfectly inserted into the story, such that they added subtle and completely unexpected comedy--usually in the form of deadpan one-liners. There was a lot of verbal comedy in addition to a respectable level of physical humor that wasn't overdone or annoying.

I wouldn't have thought it possible, but Ryan Reynolds was hilarious in this movie, as was Chris Klein and just about every other character in Just Friends. It was simply incredible. This is a silly movie, to be sure, but quite well made--probably for a young-ish audience--and I kind of want to give it the oscar rating.

The Ice Harvest

2005-11-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

What most impressed me about The Ice Harvest was the unexpected humor that consistently broke up the ever-present tension and suspense of the story. This was an excellent movie, both exciting and funny, with memorable characters that made me laugh even as I worried about the eventual outcome.

Charlie Arglist (John Cusack) and his buddy Vic Cavanaugh (Billy Bob Thornton) have just stolen $2 million from Charlie’s boss, mobster Bill Guerrard (Randy Quaid), through a carefully planned scheme that should ostensibly go unnoticed for several hours. Their seemingly perfect crime having been successfully executed, Vic and Charlie must sit tight for several hours and wait out the bad weather, nervously hoping that their crime will remain undiscovered long enough for them to make it out of Kansas. Vic offers to watch over the money and instructs the increasingly anxious Charlie to act normal for just a few hours. Rather than simply going home where he won’t have to worry about interacting with others, Charlie instead chooses to visit as many places as possible in the span of a few hours in order to maximize the probability that he will give himself away. But of course, it wouldn’t be much of a movie if the rest of the plot consisted of John Cusack sitting around the house for two hours, so instead Charlie has a series of encounters at various strip clubs and bars over the course of the night. He soon discovers that Guerrard’s top hit man, Roy Gelles (Mike Starr), is asking around all the local strip joints for Vic’s and Charlie’s whereabouts—indicating that Guerrard has caught on to the theft much sooner than expected. Before Charlie skips town, however, he hopes to gain the affections of Renata (Connie Nielsen), the manager for one of Vic’s many strip clubs, by retrieving a valuable photograph of a local councilman’s one-night stand with her. Furthermore, when he runs into his old friend, Pete (Oliver Platt), a belligerently drunk buddy who is married to Charlie’s ex-wife, he agrees to go to his former in-laws’ house for a bit of antagonistic Christmas Eve dinner. As the evening wears on, Charlie begins to wonder whether Vic is going to double-cross him and take all the money, which gives him yet one more worry to occupy his fretful mind.

Charlie’s outings with the perpetually inebriated Pete were by far the best scenes, as Pete shamelessly hits on an chaste Christian girl in front of her progressively annoyed boyfriend, purposefully makes an ass of himself at his in-laws’ Christmas dinner and brandishes a turkey leg at his wife, pukes in Charlie’s car, and gets himself kicked in the nuts after making one too many inappropriate remarks. I suppose if you don’t find the misguided antics of ridiculously drunk people all that entertaining, then you might find these scenes more annoying than anything else. The interplay between Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton was very entertaining as well, but given that dark humor seems to be Thornton’s specialty, it shouldn’t be all that surprising to anyone. I loved all of the scenes with Vic or Pete in them, and when mixed with the suspenseful plot and straightforward nature of Charlie, I was left feeling quite satisfied with this movie.

Personally, I loved The Ice Harvest, but I think the audience for this movie will be very specific. It’s a dark comedy with a lot of tension built into the story, so some viewers might find the film simply boring. Otherwise, for those who like drier humor and a steady-pace, this is definitely a move to see.

Walk the Line

2005-11-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

Let me see, here. Guy with natural musical talent and a browbeating father/uncle/patriarchal figure pursues a burgeoning musical career, suddenly gets famous but does a bunch of drugs/alcohol and hits a low point, loses his wife and all his money, and then has a lifelong friend/mother/dreamgirl say something wise and inspiring that enables him to beat his addiction and revive his career. Sound familiar? Ok, ok, so even though Walk the Line has the same recurring elements of almost every other biographical movie ever made, Johnny Cash’s story is still quite absorbing. When combined with the superb acting and vocal performances of Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon, this movie-going experience was more than worth the $10 admission.

The movie opens with Johnny Cash’s (Joaquin Phoenix) epic performance at the Folsom County jail, wherein he is distracted with a circular saw just before he is due on stage. The film then flashes back to Cash’s childhood, where we see his verbally abusive father discourage Cash from listening to music and then berate him when his older brother, Jack, is mortally wounded in a circular saw accident. His father clearly favors Jack over Johnny, and is extremely displeased that “the wrong son is taken” from him. We then skip forward several years to see Johnny composing his first songs while stationed in Germany during the Korean War, and then we watch his failed efforts at selling home appliances door to door in Memphis, Tennessee. When he and his two band mates audition before Sam Phillips (Dallas Roberts) of Sun Records with a half-hearted gospel song, Phillips bluntly tells Johnny that he can’t market gospel music, especially when there was little feeling behind Cash’s attempt. At this point we hear the speech from the oft-played preview about lying in the gutter dying, and having time to sing just one song. This is apparently the precise motivational speech Johnny needed to hear in order to instantly transform from crappy to awe-inspiring. He soon finds himself on tour with Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, and June Carter (Reese Witherspoon), with whom he has an instant attraction that will tempt him to stray throughout the rest of the tour and well into his career.

While the movie is framed with Johnny Cash’s career, with a large portion of running time devoted to concerts, the story really seems to be about his relationship with June Carter, who continually rebuffs his advances and marriage proposals for over a decade. I suppose this factor might make this movie equally attractive to men and women, as it’s a love story mixed in with the chronology of Johnny Cash’s musical career. I can’t say enough how awesome Joaquin Phoenix was in his ability to sound like Johnny Cash, and despite sounding like a screech monkey for the first ten minutes, Reese Witherspoon did an excellent job with her vocal performances as well.

I definitely recommend Walk the Line—the story is intriguing, the acting is excellent, and the singing is sensational. I really can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t like this movie, so I give it four very entertaining stars.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

2005-11-21T23:22:00.000-08:00

Director Mike Newell's adaptation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is easily the best yet in the series' franchise. In condensing some 700+ pages of material, Newell impressively managed to keep all of the major storylines intact, without having to sacrifice key plot points. Goblet of Fire was also definitely deserving of its PG-13 rating, as I'm certain some of the more dark scenes, like, oh say... Harry getting tortured, will probably disturb younger viewers.

Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) begins his fourth year at Hogwarts, which this year is hosting the Triwizard Tournament--a magical competition between three of Europe's magical academies: Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang. Only three students, one from each school, are chosen by the Goblet of Fire to be a tournament champion, as the three students will then compete in three dangerous magical tasks, each designed to test their magical prowess. After Fleur Delacour of Beauxbatons, Quidditch star Viktor Krum of Durmstrang, and finally Cedric Diggory of Hogwarts are chosen as the three champions, the Goblet of Fire suddenly and mysteriously spits out a fourth name to compete in the dangerous tournament--Harry Potter, of course. Unfortunately for Harry, it seems that whoever put his name into the Goblet of Fire engineered it such that he would definitely be selected and therefore forced to complete dangerous tasks well beyond the scope of his abilities as a mere 14 year-old wizard. Harry must face a dragon, rescue underwater captives hidden deep within a lake, and navigate an ever-moving and seemingly ravenous maze just to survive the tournament, not to mention have any hope of winning it. Besides the rigorous challenges he must face during the tournament, Harry also finds that his fourth year at Hogwarts entails the horrifying task of asking a girl to a formal ball, as well as numerous other coming-of-age hardships. At times I wondered if Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) would punch out Harry over some perceived romantic slight with Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) like some sort of bizarre Dawson's Creek episode.

Fortunately, this was not Dawson's Creek, so I didn't have to scrape out my own eyeballs.

Whether one has read the Harry Potter books or not, it will be apparent that the plot is moving at lightening speed. But again, having to condense 700 pages into one movie meant quick transitions and summarizing of material. The amount of humor in this movie was much improved from its predecessors, especially because the Weasley twins and all their antics were given a much larger quantity of screen time. The acting overall was surprisingly stronger, specifically from Daniel Radcliffe, whose ability to cry was not so much laughable as it was in Prisoner of Azkaban, but instead believable and moving--especially in the final scenes. Mad-Eye Moody (Brendan Gleeson) was portrayed perfectly, superbly balanced between intimidating and comically strange, and Ralph Fiennes was simply inspired as Voldemort. The scene between Voldemort and Harry toward the end of the movie was easily my favorite, as Newell managed to preserve on the screen the power and fear that was so excruciatingly moving in the book.

My only major complaint with this movie was Michael Gambon as Dumbledore. I felt that he was alright in Prisoner of Azkaban, but, quite frankly, he sucked in this movie. Whether his portrayal was due to Newell's direction or simply his own admitted ignorance as to Dumbledore's character, the guy did a remarkably horrific job and basically butchered the role completely. Seriously dude, read the freakin book next time and get a clue.

Overall, I think this movie will be easy to enjoy and understand whether one has read the books or not, and I give it my strongest recommendation. I admit that I am biased toward this type of film, but it really was done remarkably well. I'm anxiously anticipating the sequel, Harry Potter and the Fireball of Danger and Magic, sure to start filming soon!

Derailed

2005-11-18T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my friends remarked that while he was watching Derailed, he just couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen this movie before. I didn’t get the same sensation during my viewing, but since the main elements of Derailed aren’t all that groundbreaking, anyone who sees movies on a consistent basis might feel like they’re rehashing old material. Apparently, despite the fact that I see movies, one might say, all the damn time, I’m still an absurdly easy target for Hollywood to exploit.

Charlie Schine (Clive “Johnny I’m-evidently-too-good-for-the-role-of-James-Bond” Owen) is having a pseudo mid-life crisis. Disenchanted with his wife, Deanna (Melissa George), and weary of his constant financial and emotional struggle in caring for a daughter with Type I diabetes, he has started to yearn for a change. He’s a decent guy, but when he meets a beautiful young vixen on the train one day, he allows himself to indulge in some relatively harmless temptation in the form of verbal banter. Lucinda Harris (Jennifer Aniston), it turns out, is also married, but to a husband whom she never sees due to his demanding market-based executive existence. Both Charles and Lucinda are somewhat hesitant to continue their daily flirtation, but the mutual attraction is strong enough that they ignore their ethical misgivings about the situation and instead allow it to escalate. They finally forgo all pretenses and check in to a moderately seedy hotel, but before they can fully violate their wedding vows, they are interrupted by a brutal mugger. After he steals their money, beats Charlie into semi-unconsciousness, and then horrifically rapes Lucinda, the two would-be lovers discuss their options. Neither really wants to go to the police out of fear of revealing their purpose at the hotel, so they decide to part ways and attempt to move on with their lives.

Alas, the vile mugger, Phillipe Laroche (Vincent Cassel, perhaps a distant relation to alien and NBA star, Sam Cassell), calls Charlie and heartlessly demands $20,000. Lucinda offers Charlie several thousand dollars and begs him not to go to the police, saying that her husband would take away her daughter if he ever found out about their near affair. Charlie, being the nice guy that he is and feeling immensely guilty for her suffering, refuses her money but acquiesces to her request for silence by paying Laroche the money. Several weeks later Charlie has returned to his normal state of affairs, when he receives yet another phone call and threat from Laroche, this time demanding $100,000. Laroche simply refuses to leave Charlie alone, even going so far as to visit Charlie’s house and have a pleasant coffee break with his wife. Charlie and Lucinda start to make some rather poor decisions in their attempts to rid themselves of Laroche, which leads to a rather surprising twist. For me, anyway.

I definitely liked Derailed, but I am also what one might classify as a gullible viewer. I didn’t like some of the characters’ decisions in dealing with the situations presented to them, but for the most part it was fairly plausible. The acting was not surprisingly excellent, even and especially from the two rappers who starred in the film, Xzibit and RZA—although Xzibit’s role wasn’t necessarily all that challenging. The story is thrilling and relatively logical, but probably less so for the more critical viewer. Therefore, I recommend this movie to anyone who has little difficulty in accepting what is presented on the screen, but those of you with a more fastidious eye might find yourselves a little annoyed with Derailed.

Zathura

2005-11-17T23:22:00.000-08:00

The lesson in this movie is clear. If you want your children to get along, appreciate you, or just stop acting like a couple of brats, simply force them to play Zathura, Jumanji, or any other life-threatening adventure game. Assuming they survive the many perilous encounters with various lethal creatures and situations, they will become sufficiently frightened and overwhelmed that any previous behavioral deficiencies will have been completely eliminated by the game’s conclusion.

Zathura was just as good as I expected it to be—fun, innocent, and heavy on the “appreciate your siblings, they’re all you’ve got” theme. 10 year-old Walter (Josh Hutcherson) and 6 year-old Danny (Jonah Bobo) get to spend 4 days a week with their dad after their parents’ divorce. The brothers heatedly compete for their dad’s attention, each wanting to outdo the other, but unfortunately for Danny, being the younger of the two, he simply can’t beat Walter at much of anything. Walter, for his part, resents Danny for simply existing and finds his little brother’s persistent attempts at gaining his affection annoying and completely useless. When their father leaves for a meeting, instructing the boys’ older sister Lisa (Kristen Stewart) to watch them in his absence, Danny continues to make endless bids for Walter’s attention, which result in his being locked in the basement after Walter finally loses his patience. He stumbles upon an old board game called Zathura, and brings it upstairs to show Walter in another endeavor to get his brother to play with him. Walter thinks the game just looks dumb and old (which it does), so Danny plays by himself. He finally succeeds in getting Walter’s attention, however, when Sports Center is interrupted by flaming meteors crashing through the roof; which, to be fair, is certainly one way to get your brother to notice you. It is then that the boys realize they are floating in space and must finish the game in order to get back home. Meanwhile, their sister continues sleeping undisturbed upstairs, oblivious to their new interstellar predicament.

Of course, as in Jumanji, the game produces all manner of disturbing obstacles with which the boys are forced to contend. It spirals them into a gravity field, sends Walter a defective robot operating under the mistaken impression that Walter is an alien life form that must be killed, puts a stranded but helpful astronaut in their path, and forces them to face Zorgons—heat-seeking, meat-eating lizard monsters that burn up everything with which they come into contact. But before all these adventures can take place, one of the boys' turns results with Lisa being frozen in cryogenic sleep for five spins, presumably so that the movie can continue with its plot to compel the brothers to work together through the shared hardships. The astronaut (Dax Shepard) helps the boys out with their Zorgon problem by simply throwing a burning couch out the window... because Zorgons, it seems, are simply a bunch of rednecks who just want to burn shit. The adventures continue, the boys fight and scream at each other (which was almost a little too realistic for my tastes), and their sister eventually wakes up to discover any babysitter's worst fear: the kids have completely and thoroughly destroyed the house.

I liked Zathura, although not quite as much as Jumanji. It lacked the darker and more sinister elements of its predecessor, but it was still quite exciting to watch. I especially liked that the threatening creatures/situations didn't necessarily just disappear, as they did in Jumanji, when the next person took his turn, meaning that each challenge must be faced rather than hurridly dismissed. There weren't really any parts that dragged unecessarily, and there was a great twist toward the end that I honestly did not anticpate. The acting was good, and the dialogue was funny and well-written, so I never lost interest in the story. I've no doubt that this movie will appeal to kids, but honestly, I think it's a decent and imaginative film that most people would enjoy watching. I definitely recommend it.

Get Rich or Die Tryin'

2005-11-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how much of the movie is true aside from 50 Cent dealing drugs and getting shot a bunch of times, but this was an interesting story to watch nonetheless.

Get Rich or Die Tryin’ opens with Marcus (50 Cent) and his small crew robbing a rival gang of Columbians, which is progressing smoothly until one of his buddies, Bama (Terrence Howard), shoots a guy in the leg and then gets all emotional and weepy over Marcus’ holier-than-thou disapproval. After narrowly escaping the scene, Marcus heads home to his grandparents’ house in order to be on time for supper, when he is suddenly ambushed and shot nine times—one of them being through the mouth. As he lies in the middle of the street, life slowing draining from him, he flashes back to his childhood and his life up to this point, which is what comprises the basic plot for the movie. So, off we go to Marcus’ childhood, where he laments the fact that he has no idea who his father is while he sings along to 80’s music with his mother, Katrina (Serena Reeder). He knows only two facts about his father: one, that he certainly isn’t a white dude; and, two, that he definitely isn’t a cop. His mother often drops him off at his grandparents’ house, where he must contend with eight other children as Katrina goes out to make a lucrative living as a drug dealer. Unfortunately, this lifestyle leads to her murder, potentially at the hands of a Rick James look-a-like, and 10 year-old Marcus decides to pick up where she left off so that he can afford the very best shoes. Despite the fact that his dream has always been to become a rapper, Marcus instead grows up dealing cocaine for Majestic (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), the same boss for whom his mother worked as well. He proves himself to be extremely competent at selling the cocaine without being tempted to use it, so he is given charge of his own crew of three dealers, with whom he works and parties. He wins the approval of both Majestic and the drug kingpin himself, Levar Cahill (Bill Duke), who praise his managerial skills and strong work ethic... at selling drugs. Life is good to Marcus, and it only gets better when he reconnects with his long-lost childhood friend, Charlene (Joy Bryant). He is excited to discover that there are still sparks between the two of them, because despite the fact that Marcus is a gangster, Charlene knows he’s a really good person deep down and just turns a blind eye to his drug dealing and whatnot.

Unfortunately, his gangster ways catch up with Marcus, and he is sent to jail, where he realizes he must express himself through music or die in the harsh prison environment. Since he has always dreamt of being a rapper, prison merely serves as some kind of inspiration to leave the violent gangster world behind, so he uses his former career as material for his songs. Majestic doesn’t quite see the humor in Marcus exposing the drug world in order to work out his issues, so when Marcus is finally released, he finds that he has to watch his back. Which he obviously doesn’t do.

Get Rich or Die Tryin’ was a very compelling semi-biographical story, and I really enjoyed watching it. There were obviously some embellishments, and sure, Marcus was depicted as a decent and ethical drug dealer who shoots people from time to time, but only when they really deserve it, and he doesn’t want to actually kill them; but whatever, it was a fun movie.

Shopgirl

2005-11-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

Shopgirl was one of those “life lessons” kind of movies, where everyone makes mistakes and messes up each other’s lives, but really learn and grow by the end of the film.

Mirabelle Buttersfield (Claire Danes) moves to Los Angeles from Vermont in order to pursue, not an acting or musical career (thank god), but a career as an artist—as in painting stuff artist. In between paintings she works at Saks Fifth Avenue to pay her bills, one of which includes a student loan with a fabulous payoff of 70 some years. Apparently she has not made any friends whatsoever, so when a strange, scruffy dude named Jeremy (Jason Schwartzman) ineptly hits on her at the laundromat, she is desperate enough for companionship that she agrees to a date with him. Jeremy works for a musical appliance store, and it’s not clear what his basic ambition is, other than to be extremely odd and scruffy. He seems harmless enough though, and since Mirabelle is extremely lonely she sleeps with him. A few days later she meets Ray Porter (Steve Martin), an older guy whose idea of wooing a woman is expensive gifts and nice dinners, with the added bonus that he showers regularly. Mirabelle is conveniently saved from having to completely destroy Jeremy and turn him down, however, as he calls to let her know he is leaving town for a 6-month road trip with a local band. Now free to date Ray without a guilty conscience, she begins seeing him exclusively despite his early warning to her that he is not looking for anything serious with her.

After several months with Ray it becomes clear to Mirabelle that while he can provide her with everything she could want, he perpetually keeps her at a distance and will never fully commit to the relationship. Meanwhile, Jeremy starts calling Mirabelle from the road, and she realizes that despite his hygienic shortcomings and lack of maturity, he is completely devoted to her and willing to give her the emotional attachment she is missing with Ray. The plot finally reaches its climax, and Mirabelle has to make a decision about which man she will choose, despite the fact that it was pretty obvious whom she would pick from the beginning.

Shopgirl is about love and loss, and how people make compromises with themselves in an attempt to make a connection with someone else. In other words, it’s the kind of movie you’ll see on Lifetime. There were admittedly some funny parts to the movie, mostly during the scenes in which Jeremy acts like a loonball, and those were certainly fun to watch if nothing else. Steve Martin narrates parts of the movie even though he is not the central character, which I thought was somewhat distracting. His narration is told from an outside third party perspective, rather than directly from his character, so I kept wondering who was the actual storyteller in this movie. The screenplay itself was adapted from the “novella” by Martin, so I suppose he just read passages directly from the book, which left me feeling as though Steve Martin was reading me a bedtime story or something. It was really quite odd.

This is definitely a sentimental and emotional film, and one that, for the most part, is fairly realistic about relationships. It’s a decent flick, perhaps a bit slow at times, but I’m sure many people who are into that emotional stuff will love Shopgirl. Me, I just want some explosions and gunfights, so I hope that’s the topic of Martin’s next “novella.”

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

2005-11-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

I loved this movie. It’s classic film noir style with great sarcastic dialogue, a fast-moving plot, and entertaining characters. I don’t know what film noir actually is, but it just sort of seems like the proper description for this movie’s style.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is told in chapters and narrated by Robert Downey Jr’s character, Harry Lockhart, who describes four exciting and dangerous days that he spent in Los Angeles. Firstly, the narration style was great, as it is told in a conversational manner wherein Harry sometimes freezes frames to engage in some verbal editorializing. Harry starts out his night as a thief, attempting to steal some expensive electronic equipment when alarms go off and he is forced to flee. In his efforts to evade the police, Harry stumbles into what turns out to be an audition for the role of a detective in a movie. Not wanting to blow his newfound cover, Harry goes along with the audition and is surprised when the director wants to fly him out to Los Angeles for detective lessons, in order to familiarize him with the role. Once there, the director introduces Harry to Gay Perry (Val Kilmer), a sarcastic and homosexual private detective (hence the nickname “gay”), who will be taking Harry along during his investigations. By a happy twist of fate, Harry’s high school dream girl, Harmony Lane (Michelle Monaghan), happens to be at the director’s party as well, so Harry strikes up a conversation in the hope of finally getting into her pants. Sadly, however, he only manages to get into her less-attractive friend’s pants. Harry rejoins Gay Perry the following day for some detective work, which quickly becomes less dull when they witness some burly henchmen driving a car into the lake with a dead woman inside it. As Gay Perry and Harry begin investigating the murder, they find themselves caught up in a really confusing mystery that was somewhat difficult to follow, but exciting nonetheless.

Harry spends a lot of time talking in this film, whether he’s talking to other characters or narrating the story for the audience, but he was always quite funny. His scenes with Gay Perry were by far the most hilarious, as Gay Perry was blessed with withering sarcasm and a great sense of timing. None of the characters take their precarious situations all that seriously for that matter, choosing instead to deflect danger with appropriately-timed and detached commentary—which allows the audience to laugh rather than cringe when someone gets his head blown off. This movie reminded me of Pulp Fiction in that way, as what would normally be seen as disturbing and gross is instead funny and ironic. I never once felt bored with the story, as the pace was steady and quick, and each of the situations held my attention completely. The characters themselves were entertaining to watch as well, so really no matter what they were doing I found myself interested in the outcome. The mystery wraps up fairly well, and although the actual details of the plot were difficult to follow at times, it turned out to be quite simple—which is nice, for a change, because it prevents glaring holes in the story that annoy the crap out of you later.

I definitely recommend this movie, although not if one hates Robert Downey Jr. The humor is very sarcastic and dry, and none of the characters take themselves seriously; nor, in fact, does the movie itself. It’s a good murder mystery with an interesting film noir style I suppose, and I strongly recommend it for its humor alone, if nothing else.

Chicken Little

2005-11-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

Chicken Little is typically cute in that standard kids’ movie fashion, surprisingly short, and very heavy on the G-rating. The vocal talents were well-chosen for each of the characters, and I actually laughed aloud several times. Yes, I know, I’m easily entertained.

Chicken Little (Zach Braff) is an intelligent and highly imaginative little chick, who has completely destroyed his reputation after an unfortunate encounter between his head and what he believed to be a piece of the sky—later confirmed to be an acorn. Because of this celestial mixup, everyone thinks he’s a bit of a nutjob, with the exception of his three best friends: the ugly duckling Abby Mallard (Joan Cusack), the oversized pig Runt of the Litter (Steve Zahn), and Fish out of Water (does not speak). Despite his extremely small stature, Chicken Little joins the baseball team in a misguided attempt to win back his father’s approval, as his father, Buck Cluck (Garry Marshall), was a high school baseball star. His dad simply doesn’t believe in Chicken Little anymore and advises him not to get his hopes up, to which Chicken Little responds by beating all the odds and making the game-saving hit in the final inning of an important game. After having finally earned back everyone’s respect, Chicken Little is understandably dismayed when what appears to be a small piece of sky crashes through his bedroom window, placing him in the familiar position of freaking everyone out. Yet this time his friends, Abby, Runt, and Fish, are witness to the event, and they must now convince the skeptical town that an alien invasion is about to commence.

The overall plot is fairly straightforward and fast-paced, and the underlying message of believing in your offspring, be they bird, pig, or otherwise was blatantly clear. So too was the lesson that one should never give up, always believe in yourself, blah blah blah—insert your typical “Disney movie lessons” here. There was nothing exceptionally earth-shattering about this film, but I did like the humor quite a bit. The fish character was remarkably entertaining even though it did not speak, and I found that any scene in which it appeared was sure to be amusing. Much of the dialogue was surprisingly witty, but always in keeping with good taste—for the kids, afterall. By the time the movie was over, I was legitimately surprised at how short it had seemed.

This is a great movie to take small children to see, and it won’t be excruciatingly painful and cheesy despite its blatant message. I wouldn’t say this is necessarily the kind of kids’ movie that will widely appeal to adults as well, but it’s one of those things that you can pretend you don’t want to see and then “humor” the kids by agreeing to watch it with them, rolling your eyes yet inwardly laughing.

Jarhead

2005-11-08T22:19:00.000-08:00

I thought this was a decent movie, albeit a little boring for my tastes, but probably quite interesting to those with military experience. Nevertheless, I think Jarhead will have great appeal to many, as it is a character study of one marine’s struggle with the lesser-known aspects of war.

Anthony Swofford (Jake Gyllenhaal) narrates this story of his experiences (or lack thereof) as a marine in the Scout Sniper unit during the first Gulf War. The film starts out with a very brief overview of Swoff’s dysfunctional family life and his hellish training during boot camp. Basically, this sets the tone for the entire movie, as Swoff’s service in the military is entirely composed of one crappy experience after another. Swoff is assigned to the scout sniper unit, where he is trained endlessly by Staff Sergeant Sykes (Jamie Foxx), an amusing and yet unforgiving superior, whose idea of punishment often includes humiliation. After several months of harsh military life, Swoff and his unit are ecstatic to learn that they will be sent to Iraq for Operation Desert Shield, finally being presented with the opportunity to utilize their hard-earned skills. Unfortunately, their mission is entirely defensive, having been ordered to simply protect the oil fields from Iraqi soldiers, which means more waiting rather than combat. Swoff and his unit now spend their brutally hot days with yet more training—navigating empty minefields, shooting at nothing, running chemical weapons drills, drinking water, and looking north in anticipation of a possible Iraqi attack. The relentless heat and mounting boredom make daily life frustrating, and Swoff usually fills the empty time with thoughts of the girlfriend he left behind, wondering if she will remain faithful to him. Finally, after nearly 6 months, the focus of the war becomes offensive, and Swoff and his sniper unit are sent out into combat through burning oil fields and more desert.

Jarhead is focused on Swoff’s character, inasmuch as he narrates the story, and everything that occurs is from his point of view. The combat portions of the film are toward the end, so the majority of time covers the growing restlessness and frustration of the forever-waiting troops. We constantly see the daily life of soldiers in the camp and their attempts to beat back boredom with various activities—reading letters, betting on scorpion fights, and burning pooh as punishment for misdeeds. When reporters come to the camp to interview the soldiers about their experiences in the war, Sergeant Sykes instructs them to say only positive things about the military, reminding the men that they signed contracts and don’t have any rights to free speech. Swoff’s sniper partner, Troy (Peter Sarsgaard), continually repeats the line, “welcome to the suck,” throughout the movie, and by the middle of the film the audience begins to relate.

Jarhead was an interesting movie, but certainly nothing one hasn’t seen before in terms of brutal training practices in the marines—whether accurate or not, it seems to be a common theme for films focused on the military. What makes this movie different, however, is its focus on the non-action that takes place when combat is not occurring, and the frustrations and tensions associated with such inactivity. This was definitely a good movie, although personally I found it slightly boring. Keep in mind that it is a character study as opposed to your typical war film, and with that in mind, one might enjoy it quite a bit.

The Weather Man

2005-11-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

Yet another film in which Nicolas Cage plays a conflicted depressed guy, who does and says all sorts of inappropriate things that appall everyone around him.

David Spritz (Nicolas Cage) feels like his life is a complete failure, despite having a well-paying job as a weatherman in Chicago where he only has to work two hours a day. Even worse than having that occupational nightmare, people are constantly recognizing him on the street and asking him what the weather is going to be like. He responds to these innocent questions by being a huge asshole, whereupon someone inevitably throws some sort of food at him. His life truly sucks. Better days are not on the horizon for David either, as his father, Robert (Michael Cain), is dying from lymphoma, he’s still in love with his ex wife, Noreen (Hope Davis), and his two kids are troubled and unhappy. David’s teenage son, Mike (Nicholas Hoult), has recently gotten out of rehab, and one of his former drug counselors seems to have developed a creepy affection for the teenager. David’s 12 year-old daughter, Shelly (Gemmenne de la Pena), is overweight and referred to as “cameltoe” by her classmates—she assumes it’s because she’s tough. On the off chance that the audience is similarly confused as to cameltoe’s meaning, several shots of it are shown while David explains the phenomena. Meanwhile, he has just received a potential job offer from the national morning show Hello America with Brian Gumble in New York, which is the only bright spot in his ostensibly dismal existence.

David makes various attempts throughout the film to please his kids and his father, as well as win back his ex wife’s affections, but each honest endeavor fails and the situation subsequently worsens. He takes Shelly and his father to New York, where his father can see another specialist, and David can interview with Hello America. He’s optimistic that he’ll get the job and even more hopeful that this potentially successful career move would allow him to fix his personal life as well. He seems to be completely off-base about his relationship with Noreen however, who responds to his suggestion of marital reconciliation with near revulsion. Flashbacks of an argument over tartar sauce during their marriage are shown to help the audience understand what David does not—that Noreen pretty much loathes him. So he becomes more depressed.

Nicolas Cage spends the majority of his starring role gazing forlornly into space, occasionally interrupted from his reverie by food smashing into his face, or his daughter strutting around with a cameltoe problem. The movie is alternately dismal and amusing, but more so the former. The comedy mostly comes from David’s reactions to his many failures as well as his observations on life, which usually end in outbursts of profanity or mild physical violence. The food chucked at David throughout the movie was also quite entertaining, although that might just be due to my sometimes juvenile sense of humor. Regardless, I think the previews for this film were slightly deceptive, as it wasn’t nearly the comedy I expected it to be.

There were many brilliant attempts at humor in the film, but in the end I mostly just felt depressed. I’m not sure where to even start in classifying this movie, but it was a great character study in typical Nicolas Cage style. If you like those kinds of stories, then you’ll absolutely love this one.

The Legend of Zorro

2005-11-03T21:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I will say one thing for the filmmakers of The Legend of Zorro--they managed to incorporate ridiculous explosions and physics-defying stunts using various modes of transportation, all in a pre-Civil War time period!

After the opening credits, which feature lots of flames so that the audience will know they're about to see a kick-ass movie, the story begins with the people of the California territory about to make history by voting in favor of joining the Union as the 30th state. Unfortunately, villains want to stir up trouble for no good reason, and decide to steal the completed ballots from one tiny province in order to minimally affect the general outcome. Regrettably for the bad guys, they picked the one province in which Zorro/Don Alejandro (Antonio Banderas) resides, so he flips around on the rooftops and then flamboyantly dispatches with the villains. However, given that the bad guys had inexplicably abandoned their guns in favor of the more effective and precise hand-to-hand method of combat, Zorro kind of got off lucky.

With the opening fight sequence complete, Zorro/Alejandro goes home to his wife, Elena (Catherine Zeta-Jones), who insists that he now give up his superhero life in order to spend time with their son. Or something like that, she was nagging him for a while, and my attention started wandering. Anyway, being an incurable goody-two-shoes, Alejandro refuses, so Elena files for divorce and starts dating a snobby rich guy, Count Armand (Rufus Sewell). Alejandro is instantly jealous and upset, and immediately begins to suspect that Count Armand is up to no good, which becomes apparent when he sets off a random bomb and then has his evil henchmen steal land from a poor man and his wife. Zorro/Alejandro attempts to prevent this from happening, and it was at this point in the movie when he had the good sense to engage in a swordfight in a burning barn with an infant in his arms. Somehow, Count Armand's plans to arm the Confederate Army with nitroglycerin hinged upon attaining the deed to this guy's land, but for the life of me, I just can't see why.

Eventually, Alejandro's son, Joaquin (Adrian Alonso), takes matters into his own hands during a ridiculous wooden sword fight scene, in which he does several backflips and steals some evidence of Armand's plan before being rescued by Zorro/Alejandro. He doesn't recognize that Zorro is his father, which is understandable, since it's not like huge parts of Alejandro's face are showing or anything. The plot gradually leads to a big fight on a train where Zorro's horse leaps off a cliff onto the speeding carriage, which didn't surprise me all that much, considering that the horse had previously crashed through the side of a burning barn. . .which also didn't phase me, come to think of it, because I had already seen horses smash through solid brick walls within the first five minutes of the movie. Anyway, once Armand can get the train up to 88 miles per hour, they can travel back to the future and destroy this infernal script.

I'm being harsh on The Legend of Zorro, but I actually liked this movie a great deal. It was, as one might expect, completely absurd, and it was much longer than it really needed to be, but there were many redeeming qualities nonetheless. There were several hilarious lines, wonderful choreography for the outrageous fight sequences, and a very thrilling ending. Don't go into the film expecting a strong dose of reality, and you'll have a great time watching Zorro.

Prime

2005-11-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

Plainly, I just didn’t get the joke. Or maybe I did, and I just didn’t think it was all that funny.

Rafi (Uma Thurman) is a 37 year-old recently divorced depressed person, who is seeing Dr. Lisa Metzger (Meryl Streep), a super awesome psychiatrist, to help her through the difficult time. Months after her divorce is final, Rafi meets 23 year-old David (Bryan Greenberg) through a mutual acquaintance, and apprehensively agrees to a date after Lisa’s strong encouragement. While hesitant to become too serious with David due to the 14-year age difference between them, Rafi can’t help but let loose with the fun-loving David, who makes her laugh and is so eager to please her—in a variety of ways. Through great feats of simple deductive skills, Lisa brilliantly puts two and two together after Rafi reveals details about her new paramour, and realizes with horror that Rafi’s new young lover is, in fact, her son. Lisa consults with a colleague about her ethical obligations in continuing treatment of Rafi, at which her colleague scoffs and says that conflicts of interest are no longer considered unethical due to their nature as being boring subjects for movies. With that moral dilemma now having been completely ignored, we can proceed to have a session in which Rafi talks candidly about the couple’s love life, which is funny because, like, Lisa is David’s mother! So Lisa makes an assortment of uncomfortable facial expressions, to which Rafi responds by inexplicably deciding to describe, in detail, the finer aspects of David’s penis. For ten. Long. Minutes.

Eventually, as we see from the previews, Lisa gets tired of hearing about myriads of sexual adventures and tells Rafi that David is her son, which is when things get quite interesting. Sadly, however, the rest of the movie explores the very serious issues behind romantic relationships involving two people with different religious backgrounds, as well as large disparities in age.

The supposed main premise that a psychiatrist is counseling a woman who is dating her son was definitely amusing, but the joke quickly became overused and then discarded altogether. The real focus is instead stubbornly kept on real relationship problems as opposed to lighter romantic comedy antics. There is a very funny pie-throwing gag that runs throughout the duration of the movie, and there are of course multiple scenes that seemed cause for laughter; but, on the whole, this movie failed miserably as a romantic comedy.

If I hadn’t been lured into the theater with the promise of a hilarious film, then perhaps I wouldn’t be so annoyed. In all fairness, it was a decent story about love and the obstacles that two people face in making a difficult situation work—in other words, it was like a chick flick gone tragically wrong. The movie was way too serious for its supposedly silly base, so I would classify it more as a dramatic comedy and recommend it only as such.

Saw II (almost four, but not quite)

2005-10-31T13:40:00.000-08:00

Written by Guest Hoosier Revue-er: Josh Schiller

The first installment of the Saw series was a fabulous combination of gore, intelligent writing, and unexpected plot twists. Going in to see Saw II felt like going to see The Usual Suspects II if they ever made it – how could it work? I was skeptical, but it worked. (Not that Saw measures up to Suspects, but you get the idea.)

Here’s what you need to know from Saw: a serial killer (and terminal cancer patient) nicknamed Jigsaw gives his victims a choice: give up something nice (like your leg) or die in a horrible way. Think Fear Factor gone horrifically wrong. His victims wake up from having been drugged and learn of their precarious situations through a creepy voice on a mini-cassette tape or a video of some jacked-up dummy. Jigsaw claims that he’s doing a public service because all these people were flawed and didn’t appreciate life. Now they do. Unfortunately, all but one of them dies (normally by their own hand) learning the lesson. Bummer.

Saw II starts in the same vein. Some guy wakes up with a contraption on his head that will snap shut impaling his face with a hundred spikes once the timer runs out. The only way to get it off is to cut out his eye to get the key that has been surgically placed behind it. Nice.

From there, the movie focuses on Donnie Wahlberg playing Detective Eric Matthews, a down and out cop who used to be good, but now he inexplicably just sucks. The former New Kid is divorced, has a strained relationship with his son, and is generally unmotivated to do any police work.

Jigsaw’s calling card is found at a crime scene and Donnie, using his superhuman photographic memory skills, leads the SWAT team to raid his hideout. They discover that Donnie’s son has been kidnapped and is trapped in a house with seven former convicts. They are getting slowly gassed with a deadly nerve agent and have two hours to live. Since not breathing isn’t an option, they need to find antidotes which are blocked by elaborate contraptions that could cause unimaginable pain or bleeding. Of course, the police are powerless to do anything except sit at Jigsaw’s lair and watch the video feeds from the house.

Since Donnie doesn’t really want his son to die, he talks with Jigsaw to find out where this is all happening. At times reminiscent of Brad Pitt and Kevin Spacey in Se7en, this is one of the stronger parts of the film.

At the house where everyone is trapped, the eight (oops, make that seven) people are sitting around coughing and arguing about what to do. Each character is either scared, pissed off, or a peacemaker and none of them seems capable of complex thought. One of them is Amanda from the first movie who survived a jaw-wrenching contraption. She’d be a guide except no one listens to her – they’d rather all split up. Did I mention they’re all coughing? Rather than building the suspense, the painful dialogue and dizzying cuts make you hope for someone to die – the more gruesome, the better.

Meanwhile the police are the most ineffective crime-fighting squad this side of Iraq. This almost ruined the movie for me. I’m sorry, but if you used the SWAT team to raid the lair of a maniacal serial killer, your backup should arrive in under two hours. The dialogue here is laughable and repetitive – it’s like they did a bunch of takes of the same scene and inserted them throughout the movie.

While the first 80 minutes of this movie felt like a stall tactic, there were several cool death scenes that rivaled Saw. Unfortunately, the cassette tapes, which I loved in the first one, were used less. Also, Jigsaw has departed a bit from his “I don’t kill them, they end up killing themselves or each other” mantra. The acting sucked, but it also did in Saw. The dialogue was worse – they couldn’t get beyond their one-dimensional characters.

However, and most importantly, the ending was intelligent and once again was a complete surprise. It completely redeemed the movie. The dialogue and acting almost got in the way, but in the end the gore, the originality, and the ending carried the film. There are very few films like the Saw franchise. If you’re on the fence, I’d suggest renting Saw. If you liked Saw, definitely go see Saw II. And if you liked Se7en and haven’t seen either Saw movie, watch them.

Dreamer

2005-10-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

I know that there is an audience out there for this movie, because despite being absurdly predictable in almost all facets imaginable, it’s one of those “feel good” films that will have certain members of the audience squealing with glee by the end. Such was the case for the woman sitting in front of me, at least.

The story begins with young Cale Crane (Daktoa Fanning) staring sadly out of her bedroom window, bemoaning the fact that her family’s horse farm doesn’t have any actual horses on it. She desperately wants to learn about the horseracing business, but her father, Ben Crane (Kurt Russell), insists that he wants a better life for her. Instantly I suspected that I would, at some point in the movie, inevitably hear some character tell Ben that horseracing was “in Cale’s blood,” and that he shouldn’t discourage her. Ben grudgingly takes Cale to work with him one day, and as she watches the horses warming up before the race, she takes an instant liking to Soñador, whom her father says has a lot of potential. Unfortunately, Ben’s boss is an evil, uncaring villain who is only interested in money as opposed to the advice of his expert employee, and forces Ben to have Soñador race despite Ben’s instance that the horse told him she didn’t feel like racing today. Well come on now, that’s just lazy. Anyway, as one might expect, the horse breaks its leg during the race but is saved from euthanization at Ben’s insistence. His evil bad horrible mean boss, Palmer (David Morse), fires Ben for his insolence and for claiming that he can talk to horses. Plus, Palmer is just evil, and he has a villainous reputation to uphold. Ben decides to nurse Soñador back to heath with the help of two of his ranch hands in order to breed her and make money on the foal. The plans change, however, when Cale attempts to run away with the horse after a fight with her father, and Ben sees that Soñador is still remarkably fast, having healed completely from her injury.

The “Eye of the Tiger” song swells up dramatically, as Ben and his ranch hands start Soñador on a rigorous training program to get her back in shape—running laps around a track with her and having her do pull-ups in the barn. Since one of the ranch hands had quit his former job as a jockey after a near-fatal fall from his horse during a race, what would one think the odds would be that he will overcome his fear and make his unbelievable comeback riding Soñador in the upcoming Breeder’s Cup? As the race approaches, the nefarious ex-boss Palmer shows up at the family’s house to exchange antagonistic dialogue and literally wave giant wads of cash at Cale in an offer to buy Soñador back from her. OH MY GOD, WILL SHE TAKE THE MONEY?!?! It was too nerve-wracking, I could hardly take it!

Somewhere along the line, Kris Kirstofferson makes the “horse business is in her blood” remark, and at long-last I felt completely justified in my dislike for this movie. Were I a small child or someone who simply enjoys happy movies with joyous endings, then I would have a much nicer opinion of this film; however, it was just a bit too cliché for me to walk away actually feeling inspired. I like an underdog movie as much as the next moviegoer, and Dreamer was certainly that, so if you don’t mind knowing exactly what’s going to happen in practically every scene, then you will have no problems with Dreamer.

Good Night, and Good Luck

2005-10-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

I was honestly surprised at how few “Hollywood embellishments” were added to the story in Good Night, and Good Luck. Apparently, director George Clooney does not embrace the notion that, in order to make a “based on a true story” movie any good, one has to either have a lot of things explode, or use some cute, wise-beyond-his-years child who makes appropriately-timed commentary. Suffice it to say that this is a very serious movie.

Good Night, and Good Luck depicts CBS television broadcaster Ed Murrow’s series of reports that directly attacked Senator Joseph McCarthy’s questionable tactics in his crusade to root out all communist spies in the U.S. during the 1950’s. The film begins in 1958 at a banquet honoring Ed Murrow’s contributions to broadcast journalism, and after the opening credits have been well and fully displayed, the movie switches its focus to 1954 in order to carry on with the story. The country is in the midst of the Red Scare, with Senator McCarthy on a rampage. Journalists and fellow senators alike are all too intimidated to stand up to McCarthy, for fear that they might become a target for his wrath and summarily declared a communist. The CBS employees are each forced to sign “loyalty papers” in order to categorically state their allegiance to the U.S. and assure the company that they are not aligned in any way with the dreaded communist party. Ed Murrow, a well-respected and trusted journalist whose patriotism is beyond question, talks his producer, Fred Friendly (George Clooney), into running a series of reports in direct opposition to McCarthy’s conduct on their weekly television show, See It Now. After covering a story in which an Air Force airman is dismissed from duty following unsubstantiated accusations that his father subscribed to a communist newspaper, Murrow immediately brings himself under McCarthy’s radar and is vaguely threatened with being publicly accused as a member of the communist party.

With the support of CBS behind them, Murrow and Friendly run a special episode of See It Now focusing specifically on Senator McCarthy, in which they question his routine tactic of accusing people of being communists without offering any proof, using footage of McCarthy’s speeches and senate hearings to back up their challenge. Murrow offers McCarthy a chance to respond to any of the information that was presented in the show, inviting him to correct CBS if he feels that they said anything inaccurate. Murrow predicts that McCarthy will resort to character assassination aimed at Murrow himself rather than respond to the show’s claims and provide evidence to back up his list of "known communists." McCarthy’s eventual response to Murrow was indeed the beginning of the end, and eventually led to McCarthy's censure by the U.S. Senate.

Good Night, and Good Luck is shown entirely in black and white, which gave the viewer a firm sense of the 50’s, but also allowed the actual black-and-white footage from 1954 to blend in well with the movie. This is a very academic portrayal, not of Ed Murrow, but of his and his news team’s bold criticisms toward Senator McCarthy during a time in which no one, not even President Eisenhower, seemed willing to rein McCarthy in. The film deviates from the standard “true story” genre, in that it felt much more like a documentary rather than a portrayal—but then again, that might just be because nothing blew up. I definitely recommend it for anyone who likes historical pieces or enjoys films that give you something to think about when you walk out of the theater.

Doom

2005-10-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

Honestly, what more could one want from a movie like Doom? I mean come on, it’s a video game plot, essentially consisting of one dude wandering around hallways and shooting at aliens. So that’s basically what you get in the movie, although the filmmakers do endeavor to add a tad more plot depth by throwing in their take on the theory of evolution. Fantastic.

The year is 2026, and archaeologists have discovered an ancient portal from Earth to Mars, conveniently located in the deserts of New Mexico, USA. Some unknown and long-dead civilization supposedly constructed it, so scientists have rushed headlong into building a station on Mars where they can test weapons and the like, figuring they’ll worry about whatever caused the previous civilization’s demise later. Predictably, however, the researchers discover something evil and are gruesomely attacked and killed, blah blah blah. In comes Sarge (The Rock) and his elite team of marines, who are ordered to assess and contain the situation, recover all government property, and protect the civilians. The audience is given a quick but thorough introduction to the members of the team, which means we learn their names and one standard defining personality trait for each. Once that is all out of the way and they are transported to the Mars station, the gun fighting can commence.

Aside from Sarge, only one other marine, Reaper (Karl Urban), is given further “character development” when we learn that he has a twin sister, Samantha (that one Bond chick from Die Another Day), who works at the station as an archaeologist—which is apparently interchangeable with being a molecular geneticist in this film. Reaper hasn’t spoken to Samantha in ages, however, because she had the audacity to, um, work at the facility in which their father was tragically killed many years ago. Unforgivable, that. Nevertheless, terrible monsters are attacking people and threatening to break through the containment area back to Earth, so the movie has more important things with which to concern itself than character development. For the remainder of the movie then, The Rock and his team of marines wander through the facility killing monsters and sometimes getting killed themselves, while Samantha tries to determine from where these creatures came. All she has to work with are the bones of some murdered humanoid beings that had been found on Mars, who helpfully died in a defensive posture in order to show that they were about to be attacked... But then they obviously weren’t...like...killed by that attacker then (as Samantha claims was their fate) if their remains were found still holding a shielded posture. Right? I gave up on this logistical puzzle exercise after a few minutes and reminded myself that I was watching Doom, as opposed to the History Channel.

It turns out that the monsters were the scientists all along. (!) They had apparently been infected with a 24th chromosome—the addition of which, scientifically speaking, gives one super strength/speed/healing powers. And uh, also makes you into a monster thing. My favorite part came in a wonderful moment of glory, when Samantha (the intrepid archaeologist/molecular geneticist, Ph.D.) poses her alternate theory of the origin of species. Suck it, Darwin!

The movie features many visual similarities to the game, with numerous dark hallways, monsters, and a brief sequence from the 1st person perspective, which was when the movie abandons all pretense and just plays the game for the audience. I really liked Doom, however, because it had reasonably decent dialogue, a simple purpose, and exciting sequences of events. Silly, perhaps, but very fun.

Stay (or )

2005-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

This was one screwed up movie. Of the hour and 38 minutes of running time, I literally spent an hour and 36 minutes of it feeling thoroughly confused. This is the kind of film that one will either love or hate, so I tell you now that if you despise trick endings then avoid Stay at all costs. It is the epitome of mind-fuck movies, so while the subtle clues are cleverly laid out during the film, they won’t make a lick of sense until the final two minutes. I really like the idea behind the story, and after I reviewed my notes I began to appreciate the connections from the clues to the eventual revelation; however, I think that many might get annoyed at sitting through an hour and a half of what is essentially jabberwocky to finally find satisfaction only in simply understanding what the hell it meant.

When the movie began I braced myself for the conclusion that Sam (Ewan McGregor), a psychiatrist, was actually dead but didn’t realize it, or something to that effect. As it became clear that he was decidedly not dead, I began to suspect that perhaps Henry (Ryan Gosling), the strange patient who comes to see Sam, was actually the dead one. Maybe. Eventually I had to abandon that theory as well and give in to the increasingly clear fact that I was not going to understand anything until the very end, which was frustrating, to be sure. Henry tells Sam during one of their first sessions that he hears voices and can no longer ascertain which ones are real or imagined. And before he forgets to mention it, he also plans to kill himself on Saturday at midnight, which Sam takes as a sign that clearly falls into the “bad” category. He realizes that he has three days to prevent Henry’s planned suicide, so he desperately embarks on a rather strange trail in order to determine where Henry is planning to shoot himself. Before he worries about any of that, however, he takes a break to play a stimulating game of chess with his old colleague Dr. Leon (Bob Hoskins), who works with him in the psychiatry ward. Ostensibly annoyed that Sam is not out scouring New York to find him, Henry randomly turns up to say something spooky and reignite Sam’s sense of urgency. So he insists that Dr. Leon is in fact his deceased father. This statement confuses everyone—especially Dr. Leon who huffs out of the room.

At this point in the film, things take a distinctly incomprehensible turn, when Sam goes to visit Henry’s supposedly deceased mother. After noticing the bare house and the mother’s inexplicable bleeding head, Sam starts to fear that something a bit strange is going on, but continues his search for Henry. As events around Sam begin to repeat themselves and camera angles turn more and more disorienting, Sam starts to realize that he can no longer discern between what is real or not, even as midnight on Saturday approaches.

I won’t spoil anything, but suffice it to say that all is finally explained at midnight, and if one has been paying attention to the details along the way then the ending will make sense. Again, this is the kind of film that requires the audience to be kept in the dark in order to add meaning, so if you like twist endings and “nothing is as it seems” movies, then this is clearly a four star film. Otherwise, you’re looking at one star.

North Country

2005-10-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

I liked the fact that the filmmakers didn’t marginalize the female miners’ suffering by attempting to pass the characters off as genuine real-life portrayals, which in the end made this movie more enjoyable to watch.

Josey Aimes (Charlize Theron) is a completely fictionalized version of Lois Jenson, the real-life plaintiff in the successful class-action sexual harassment case against the Eveleth Mine in northern Minnesota. The film starts with Josey and her two children leaving her physically abusive husband in order to move back in with her parents. When she arrives back home with a battered face, her father asks her if she deserved it, which immediately informs the audience that the pervading social attitude during the 1980’s is still that women are probably at fault for all domestic problems. At first taking a job as a hairdresser, she runs into an old friend, Glory (Frances McDormand), who convinces her to apply for a job at the local mine where she can make a significant amount of money. Obviously, after a bit of discouragement from her parents, she takes the job anyway and immediately begins to endure the humiliating comments and practical jokes that her female coworkers have long been forced to tolerate.

The women are constantly reminded to have a sense of humor about the offensive belittlements that are viciously flung at them, yet they understandably have a hard time laughing when being groped or made to clean off sexual profanities written in excrement on the walls of their locker room. When Josey complains to her supervisor, he tells her to shut her mouth and take it like a man, refusing to acknowledge the harassment and even taking part in it himself. As Glory constantly reminds Josey, the men do not want women working at the mine, and she advises Josey to grow a “gatorskin” in order to persevere. The other women, for their part, adamantly refuse to complain about the situation, as they fear that the persecution would worsen and force them to quit their much-needed jobs. When Josey finally makes a formal complaint to the company itself, she is told to either resign, or spend less time in the beds of her married male coworkers and instead work on improving her job performance. Having finally reached the proverbial last straw, Josey hires a lawyer and attempts to enlist her coworkers’ support in suing the mine.

The female characters were mostly a conglomeration of several women actually involved in the case, so while their Hollywood versions were embellished for entertainment’s sake, the attitudes and examples of harassments were disturbingly real. Aside from one or two somewhat slow parts in the movie, I found North Country to be quite compelling and emotional. My date didn’t seem to take issue with the melodramatic nature of the movie, so I don’t think that this is a film that would only appeal to women. Considering the wide range and nature of the male characters in the movie, I would think that most men could relate in some way to some of the male characters’ reactions to the tense environment at the mine. North Country was certainly not a man-bashing movie, as only a small portion of the miners took part in the abuse, leaving everyone else room for sympathy.

Despite a somewhat ridiculously melodramatic courtroom scene toward the end of the movie, North Country was a very respectable film. I definitely recommend it in spite of its predictable ending, because it was at times powerful and always thoughtful.

Elizabethtown

2005-10-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

Elizabethtown showed a lot of promise but ultimately choked on unnecessarily long and sometimes pointless scenes, as well as lengthy stretches of time when the story came to a dead stop. It wasn’t necessarily a bad movie per se, but I wouldn’t spend $10 to see it in theaters. Ok, well obviously I would because I had to review it, but that doesn’t mean that you should be so unfortunate as well.

Poor Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom) has just been fired from his job at a major shoe corporation for creating the worst shoe design ever. Somehow the blame for the shoe fiasco, which will cost the company roughly $1 billion, falls squarely on Drew’s shoulders—because apparently engineers get to make all the billion-dollar decisions at this shoe corporation. Suddenly feeling extremely depressed that he is stuck in this movie, Orlando Bloom decides to commit suicide with a bizarre exercise bike/knife contraption. He answers a phone call from his sister (Judy Greer) at the last second, and she tearfully informs him that their father died while visiting his family in Elizabethtown, Kentucky. As his sister must stay behind to deal with a psychotic Susan Sarandon, Drew puts his suicidal plans on hold in order to travel to Kentucky and retrieve his father’s body for cremation. Claire (Kirsten Dunst) is the lone stewardess on a severely undersold flight to Kentucky, and she miraculously knows all the right things to say to a morose Drew. Several hours later, Drew calls her when he feels lonely and depressed in his hotel room, and they have an all-night conversation about anything and everything. From there they proceed to tediously dance around their mutual attraction while Claire solves all of Drew’s problems with her perky spirit and various theories on life.

In addition to the plodding romance, we must also lumber around with the funeral drama surrounding Drew’s father. There were actually some fairly entertaining moments between Drew and his Kentucky relatives, as well as an especially funny rendition of Lynard Skynard’s “Free Bird” by one of Drew’s cousins; however, these flashes of entertainment were constantly undercut by extremely boring or ridiculous counterparts. The “Free Bird” performance is dampened somewhat by Drew’s mother (Susan Sarandon), who gives a disturbing eulogy that morphs into a self-serving attempt at stand-up comedy. I knew I was supposed to find it all quite amusing, but it fell extremely flat.

It was as though Crowe had a sweet and at times entertaining story to tell the audience, but he was simply too long-winded in his delivery. I generally enjoyed the romance between Drew and Claire, even if it was a tad unrealistic, and had Crowe sliced about half an hour’s worth of film then I think Elizabethtown could have prevailed as a solid romantic comedy.

The best word to describe this movie would probably be mediocre. I wouldn’t run screaming in terror when it comes out on DVD, but it might not be a bad idea to do so while it’s still in theaters. If you have a high tolerance for circuitous storytelling then Elizabethtown won’t be so bad, but otherwise I would steer clear.

Domino

2005-10-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

I had the benefit of extensive notes in trying to follow the rapid pace and incongruous nature of this film, but as most moviegoers aren’t in the habit of carefully enumerating plot points, I would suggest paying extremely close attention to every little detail in order to understand what the hell is going on.

It’s nice that director Tony Scott prefaces Domino by admitting that it is only sort of based on a true story, meaning that all he really wanted to do was take a real-life female bounty hunter and place her in a largely fictionalized adventure story. My main complaint with Domino, however, is that while I don’t mind watching a highly fabricated tale of the exploits of a female bounty hunter, I think a more chronological version of the story would have been a little easier to watch. Unfortunately, Scott sacrifices part of his story by telling it in no particular order and using spastic and jittery camera angles in almost every single scene.

Domino Harvey (Keira Knightley) spends her teenage years rebelling against the life of luxury in which she feels trapped. Finding the opulent environment around her to be rather dull and pretentious, she attends a bounty-hunting seminar hosted by Ed Mosbey (Mickey Rourke), the most legendary bounty hunter in the world, in the hopes of injecting some excitement into her life. Once Ed and his partner, Choco (Edgar Ramirez) witness Domino’s unique intensity and mettle, they welcome her aboard the team and teach her the fundamentals of bounty hunting. After several years of successful captures, Ed’s boss, Claremont Williams (Delroy Lindo), sets them on the trail of armored car thieves who have just stolen $10 million from a Las Vegas kingpin, charging the mob a $300,000 finder’s fee for their hunting services. This is when things get complicated, however, as Domino realizes that they will be delivering the robbers to the mob instead of the police as is normal procedure. Claremont’s girlfriend, Lateesha (Mo’Nique), works at the DMV and appears to be involved with the robbery scheme somehow, having provided fake ID’s to the alleged robbers days before the theft. It then quickly becomes evident to Domino that Claremont has gotten her and her team into a dangerous situation, when the mafia begins to suspect that Claremont himself arranged the robbery in order to collect the $300,000 finder’s fee.

It should be apparent by now that while the plot is obviously quite detailed, it’s not necessarily all that complicated. However, Scott’s insistence upon making it so by having no apparent order in revealing important details did cause a bit of frustration on my part. It is somewhat irritating when a director presents the audience with a set of events and then reveals 20 minutes later that, oh yeah, it actually happened a completely different way than the earlier depiction. When this happens multiple times in the film, Scott finally resorts to literally showing the audience a diagram in order to clarify matters. Unfortunately, even his diagrams made little sense.

Despite this, I still enjoyed the movie. Domino Harvey was an exceptionally easy character for whom to root, and I thought her action scenes, while frenetic and visually hard to follow, were still quite exciting to watch. Anyone who doesn’t mind fast-paced stories and “artistic” shaky cameras will surely not have any complaints with Domino, because the story really is a fascinating, if not substantially fictional, look at a tough little rich girl in a violent underworld. Personally, I enjoyed the film, but many might prefer to wait for DVD.

The Fog

2005-10-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

In watching this movie, I witnessed the complete destruction of any and all elements from the original 1980 film, The Fog, that made it worthwhile. This shameful remake not only ripped out any semblance of terror, but it added in the most preposterous storyline ever. Having seen the original film, I was somewhat prepared to run with this one, but judging by the uproarious laughter I heard in the audience, I’m sure that those not fortunate enough to have seen John Carpenter’s 1980 version probably felt that someone in Hollywood had gone utterly insane.

The filmmakers apparently didn’t like how the original movie featured a foreboding explanation of the point of the story, which thereby set up the necessary background for the entire film, so they instead jumped straight into the middle for the remake. Nick Castle (Tom Welling) lives in the small town of Antonio Bay, which is days away from celebrating its centennial anniversary. He operates a small fishing boat with his friend, Spooner (DeRay Davis), who is supposed to be hip and cool but is bogged down by horrendously awful dialogue. Despite the fact that flocks of birds start abruptly vacating the island and dogs start barking frantically and then spontaneously combusting, Spooner ignores these obvious indications to flee the island and instead heads out on the boat with two drunk hot chicks wearing bikinis. As Spooner has gone to the trouble of setting up the most clichéd situation for preliminary slaughtering ever, the fog has no choice but to acquiesce and kill them all totally dead. Meanwhile, Nick and his girlfriend, Elizabeth (Maggie Grace), wander around town until the resident crazy old man can approach them and flaunt an old pocket watch that he found washed up on shore. He shakes it at them ominously, spews out some hideous dialogue, and warns that “everything comes back from the sea!” The malevolent fog descends on the island at this point, and secondary characters either start dying violently or simply develop a random case of leprosy, although the audience still isn’t quite clear as to why.

Eventually, through a series of flashbacks toward the end of the movie, the viewer is finally shown that the fog is attacking the town because the original founding fathers of Antonio Island had evilly stolen a leper colony’s gold and then burned them all alive on their boat. It’s a sad state of affairs that intentionally misleading the leper ship off course into a rocky cliffside in the original movie wasn’t shocking enough for audiences, that the filmmakers had to make the founding fathers ten times more sadistic in their treachery. As the final insult atop this decrepit feast of hideousness, the writers added an absurd ending that nearly had me frothing at the mouth in frustration.

The scenes in this version somewhat mirror the scenes from the original, with Dan the weatherman in his office, and Stevie Wayne’s (Selma Blair) son trapped in the house, but the director, Rupert Wainwright, opts to make them as boring as possible. So seriously does Wainwright take his mission to bore an already confused audience, that he eliminates one of the most terrifying scenes from the 1980 film and replaces it with complete nonsense.

Needless to say, I can’t think of anyone who would like this movie, unless it is viewed on a DVD with a huge case of Corona. Perhaps I’m just not frightened of fog since I live in San Francisco where it really does chase one around at times; of course, I’ve never seen it when it feels particularly malicious, but then again, I also never went out and killed a boatload of pirates who then swore eternal vengeance on my ancestors either. I emphatically don’t recommend betraying leprotic pirates, nor do I recommend seeing this film. See the 1980 version instead.

In Her Shoes

2005-10-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

I was fairly surprised by In Her Shoes. I was expecting an overly long chick flick movie where Cameron Diaz plays a hot chick and Toni Collette plays her exasperated sister. While certainly aimed squarely at the female demographic, the movie didn’t insult the viewer’s intelligence with standard chick movie clichés.

In Her Shoes centers on two sisters, Rose (Toni Collette) and Maggie (Cameron Diaz) who have a close yet tumultuous relationship. Maggie is the pretty sister (à la Jessica and Ashlee Simpson), and she relies completely upon her stunningly beautiful looks to get by in life. When that fails, she falls back on her ever-accommodating, if not annoyed, sister, Rose. As a self-absorbed and inconsiderate freeloader, Maggie thoughtlessly trashes Rose’s apartment, wears her shoes without asking, and generally makes an annoying nuisance of herself—but not in a funny, Cat-in-the-Hat kind of way that makes Rose laugh in spite of herself, more in a car-towing, boyfriend-stealing kind of way that makes Rose angry. Finally, Rose reaches the breaking point and kicks Maggie out of her apartment, telling her to figure out her living arrangements on her own. Sisters can be mean like that sometimes. While Maggie rummages through her father’s house looking for spare cash—which apparently her dad keeps hidden all over the house in some sort of bizarre treasure hunt fashion—she stumbles upon a box full of old birthday and holiday cards sent to the girls by their heretofore unknown grandmother. Desperate for a place to go and out of options, Maggie heads for Florida in an attempt to mooch off a grandmother she has never met, without telling her sister or father where she is going.

At this point in the film, both sisters break out of their routines and learn valuable lessons about themselves, which is quite touching and emotional, etc... Rose finally allows a long-standing admirer from her firm to take her out on a date, and she is shocked when he seems to be really taken with her. Having perpetually stood in the shadow of her younger sister’s beauty and being slightly overweight, Rose never gave herself a chance, much less allowed any potential suitors to get to know her. While Rose finds confidence and builds a strong relationship with her new boyfriend, Simon (Mark Feuerstein), Maggie loafs around the pool at the retirement community and reluctantly opens up to her grandmother, Ella (Shirley MacLaine). This half of the movie was surprisingly funny, with fantastic dialogue and an assortment of entertaining characters. At a friend’s suggestion, Ella finally coaxes Maggie into bonding with her the old-fashioned way: cable tv and reruns of Sex & the City. Excellent.

This movie was entirely focused on its characters and their respective progression through a difficult time. Rose has tried to protect her younger sister from everything terrible in the world, resulting, in part, with Maggie’s complete reliance upon her and inability to grow up. Their separation after a particularly nasty fight finally allows them to deal with their particular issues and eventually rebuild their damaged relationship.

The movie is an estrogen-heavy film to be sure, so I believe that most women would really enjoy it despite the ridiculously long running time. It wasn’t insipid or cliché, however, so I was happy to discover that I really enjoyed it. I wouldn’t say it is necessarily a date movie, but it is definitely the perfect movie for a girls’ night out.

Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

2005-10-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

I hardly noticed the quick hour and 20 minutes go by because I was so mesmerized by the quirky animation, but Wallace & Gromit is a happy and upbeat claymation film, so I recommend it to anyone who enjoys the animation genre.

Wallace (Peter Sallis) is a clever but clumsy inventor who operates Anti-Pesto, a humanitarian pest elimination service, along with his loyal and levelheaded dog, Gromit. Wallace has set up all manner of contraptions in his house as well as in his clients’ gardens in order to eliminate manual labor, and each gadget, whether it makes coffee or sets off a rabbit alarm, works quite efficiently at its intended purpose. Wallace and Gromit keep all of the apprehended rabbit as pets as an alternative to killing them, and they have been especially busy of late due to an upcoming vegetable growing contest. The contest’s organizer, Lady Tottington (Helena Bonham Carter—again), approves of Anti-Pesto’s humane business practices, so when the town is terrorized by a gigantic were-rabbit, she hires Wallace and Gromit to protect the citizens’ gardens and capture the creature. Because even were-beasts should be treated humanely, after all. Unfortunately, the gun-toting Victor Quartermaine (Ralph Fiennes) would rather hunt down and kill the were-rabbit, fearing that Wallace could become a potential rival for the affections of Lady Tottington if he should prove successful in humanely stopping the giant rabbit.

The movie was exceptionally “cute” and definitely funny; however, some might find it slightly dull in spots. While the story moves along fairly quickly, there was a lot of down-time between bouts of were-creature hunting, and the most exciting parts didn’t occur until the end of the movie. I didn’t mind these breaks in action, however, as Wallace and Gromit were absolutely charming and delightful to watch. Despite Gromit’s lack of vocal ability, I found him to be one of the funniest characters in the movie—his facial expressions and body language whenever Wallace was about to attempt something reckless were absolutely hysterical. I thoroughly enjoyed all of their scenes, and I was quite impressed with the filmmakers’ ability to create so much expression and emotion out of nothing more than facial features.

Wallace & Gromit was a very simple story, and I really liked the unique animation style. The characters were extremely lovable, and I thought the film was a delight to watch. I strongly recommend this movie as a fantastic parent-kid cinematic outing, and I don’t doubt that almost anyone who goes to see this film will certainly enjoy it.

Waiting...

2005-10-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

Well, Waiting definitely wasn’t the Office Space of restaurant parodies as I had hoped it might be, but it was funny in a juvenile and obnoxious way. Personally, I liked Waiting, and I can see its appeal for a fairly young demographic (of which I am apparently still part). The film, like its characters, is not meant to be seen as a sophisticated attempt at satire, but as a lighthearted and, at times, disgusting glimpse of restaurant employee tomfoolery.

The movie takes place over the course of one day at Shenaniganz, a mid-priced restaurant with a group of highly colorful characters. Monty (Ryan Reynolds) arrives to work the lunch and dinner shifts and is told by the manager to show a new employee, Mitch (John Francis Daley), the ropes. From there we are given a quick introduction to each of the characters on the restaurant’s staff as Monty gives Mitch a rather disturbing tour. Apparently, the male members of the staff keep themselves entertained during their shifts by playing the “Penis-Showing Game,” which is comprised of several different exposing positions, each with a corresponding number of kicks awarded if one is successful in flashing an unwitting fellow employee. The plot itself centers around... well, nothing really. The employees have various interactions with each other, Mitch is hazed, the manager is on a power-trip all night, and the customers are sometimes nice but more often rude. Dean (Justin Long) might have the only real storyline in the movie, as the manager, Dan (David Koechner), offers him a promotion to assistant manager and explains the perks of having “real power.” Dean can’t decide whether to take the position or not, however, because although he would make considerably more money, he worries that it will be a dead-end.

The kitchen staff and the waiters play the Penis game throughout the night with varying results, and Mitch continues to follow Monty around his tables as part of his training. He learns one of the horrifying truths of the restaurant industry: never mess with the people who handle your food. When one such customer gets her comeuppance after being inexcusably mean to a waitress, Mitch, as well as most everyone in the audience, is completely sickened at the employees’ idea of vengeance. But man was that customer a bitch. There are various other customer-related incidents, but the majority of time is spent on the interactions between the employees.

Again, this is not a sophisticated movie. I cannot emphasize more strongly that this film was ridiculously stupid—and funny in that way, which is precisely the point. The characters are overdone and exaggerated, the situations are sometimes too contrived, and the main source of comedy is freaking penis humor for crying out loud, so while it’s entertaining in a guilty pleasure sort of way, it’s definitely not clever or riotously funny. I got a fair number of laughs, a good deal of chuckles, and quite a few grimaces when it came to a food scene here or there.

I highly recommend this movie for adolescent guys, fraternity brothers, and anyone else who is interested in watching an obnoxious film. It’s easily one of the most immature movies I’ve seen in a while, and yet I admit that I thought parts of it were pretty dang funny.

Two for the Money

2005-10-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

I think this movie was trying to teach me some important life-truths, but I was so distracted by boredom that I fear I missed its intended lessons. Perhaps when I tune in to Jim Rome this week, he’ll spend his entire show explaining what I overlooked, since he has been zealously devoting so much time on his supposed sports show to marketing this film in recent weeks.

Two for the Money is a great movie to watch if you enjoy quality acting, and I suppose that if you can relate to gambling and its addictive characteristics then you will be especially touched by its message. Matthew McConaughey stars as Brandon Lang, a former college football star whose promising career ended with a deafening crunch of his knee. Apparently he chose to give up his pursuit of a healthy football contract as well as a college degree, because he finds himself working as a 1-900 operator in Vegas for a measly $10/hour. Suddenly, however, his astounding ability to accurately predict the outcomes of football games lands him a job offer from Walter Abrams (Al Pacino), a New York betting advisor who makes tons of money and likes to yell. Walter takes an immediate liking toward Brandon and gives him an office, an apartment, and a spot on the company’s weekly television show. The only stipulation to all this generosity is that Brandon assume the alter-ego of John Anthony—not, in this case, a mild-mannered reporter, but a slick and supremely confident a-hole in order to persuade clients to take his suggestions. Brandon/John makes the picks each week and advises the clients as to how much they should bet on each game. If the clients win on Brandon/John’s picks, then they pay a percentage to the company—if not, well, that’s not really the company’s problem.

At first Brandon is unsuccessful at assuming his new identity as John Anthony because he is pure of heart. He doesn’t cuss. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. And he’ll be damned if he gambles. Inevitably, however, the f-word slips out one day, which symbolizes, I suppose, his predictable transformation into the cocky John Anthony. Walter is quick to applaud his new protégé for finally ditching his honorable nature, and he takes the opportunity to start spouting out metaphorical observations of human behavior, like how we’re all just lemons or some other crazy Al Pacino-ism. As we see from the previews, Brandon/John Anthony finally gets his comeuppance and has a horrendous weekend of bad predictions, which were no doubt caused by his new sports car and slick hairdo.

My problem with this movie was that I kept waiting, futilely as it turned out, for something to happen (or at least for Jim Rome to make his “starring” appearance that he kept going on about all week). Instead, Walter just wants Brandon to be his surrogate son, so he gets wheezy and has mini heart attacks, spews out a few rants occasionally, and Brandon learns a valuable lesson about letting sports remain pure. Walter is depicted in the previews as being a tyrannical gambling overlord with talons apparently, who only cares about money; in fact, he is a feeble and self-destructive gambling addict who loves his wife and wants Brandon to take over his company.

If you love Al Pacino or movies about gambling, then this film may surprise you. I think part of my disappointment comes from false advertising, because personally, I thought Two for the Money was just exceptionally tedious.

Serenity

2005-10-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I was particularly predisposed to like this movie, being that Joss Whedon wrote and directed it. That being said, I was extremely pleased when Serenity surprised me by being even better than I anticipated.

Based on Whedon’s short-lived television series, Firefly, Serenity is set 500 years in the future when humans have colonized and terraformed a vast portion of the galaxy, which is governed by the Central Alliance. A small crew of rebels—the last survivors of an army on the losing side of a war against the Alliance 10 years earlier—now tries to make their living smuggling and heisting in a beat-up old ship named Serenity. Since the crew survives by remaining under the Alliance’s radar, the ship serves as the perfect place for Simon Tam and his sister, River, to hide after Simon brazenly rescued her from Alliance captivity. River, it turns out, is a psychic who was being brainwashed and trained by the Alliance for use as a weapon. Unfortunately, as many higher-ups in the Alliance parliament had recently observed River’s progress, they freak out upon learning she has escaped as her psychic abilities would have allowed her to read their minds and discover dangerous state secrets. Unbeknownst to the crew of Serenity, a methodical and brutally efficient Alliance assassin, whose sole purpose is to recapture River no matter what the body count, is now pursuing them across the galaxy.

Serenity’s captain, Mal Reynolds (Nathan Fillion), is at first reluctant to help his two new passengers, as his main concern is the safety of his crew; however, it quickly becomes evident to him that the Alliance is desperately trying to hide something far more sinister than their military intentions for River, and the crew must discover what it is in order to save their own lives. Unfortunately, their flight from the Alliance is fraught with Reavers—a savage, cannibalistic group of men who annihilate anyone and everyone for no clear purpose other than a love of extreme violence. There aren’t any aliens in the movie, however, so the Reavers become all the more frightening to the audience by their nature as human.

The first 20 minutes of the movie were slightly difficult to follow, and I found myself having to pay extremely close attention in order to keep up with the fast-moving plot. Whedon had to squeeze an entire season’s worth of plot and character development into the first half hour of the movie in order to fully tell what turned out to be an immensely creative and gripping story. There were only a handful of fight scenes in the film, but each was well choreographed inasmuch as I could actually differentiate between characters versus watching a jittery, grayish blur. The space fight toward the end of the film was also really exciting to watch, and I loved the realistic, non-CGI appearance of the ships as well as the battle itself. The dialogue was very well written and often funny, which worked especially well in the context of a space saga because it was so unexpected and added to the film’s overall appeal.

Watching this movie made me feel disappointed that Fox cancelled the television show, because I got the definite feeling that there was a lot left unsaid in the movie, with hints of more developments and surprises that could have been revealed. I highly, highly recommend this movie, even for people (like me) who never watched the television series, and I really wish there were more films out there like this one.

Oliver Twist

2005-10-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

Roman Polanski’s cinematic adaptation of Oliver Twist felt much more like a play than a movie, but despite its deliberate and at times slow pace, by the end of the film I found myself quite engaged in the story and the fate of its characters.

Oliver Twist is not one of the Charles Dickens books that I have read, but it certainly felt like one of his stories with its bleak outlook and colorful characters. The movie begins with nine year-old Oliver (Barney Clark) being taken to an orphanage, where he is told that he will be educated and taught a useful trade. In actuality the orphanage is more of a workhouse, where the children are underfed and overworked. After making the mistake of asking for more porridge at dinnertime, Oliver is denounced as being ungrateful and sold off to a local undertaker in need of an extra worker. These new caretakers are no better than the heartless orphanage directors, so Oliver runs away, walking 70 harsh miles to London. Once there, he is taken in by Artful Dodger (Harry Eden), the most talented of a young gang of pickpockets who steal food and jewelry for their boss, Fagin (Ben Kingsley). Despite Fagin’s unsavory choice of occupation, he provides Oliver with decent food, a place to sleep, and his first experience with benevolence. Sadly, this new home also means a future of constant poverty and employment by Fagin, having to steal wallets and food to earn his keep. When Artful Dodger is nearly caught attempting to pickpocket a wealthy gentleman, Mr. Brownlow (Edward Hardwicke), Oliver suddenly finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time and is arrested as the assumed thief. He finally benefits from the circumstances, however, and once it is determined that he is innocent of the theft, Mr. Brownlow takes pity on Oliver and essentially adopts him. Unfortunately, Fagin’s rather disreputable associate Bill Sykes, upon hearing of Oliver’s new benefactor, kidnaps the unwilling Oliver from Mr. Brownlow’s care in order to use him for more sinister purposes, forcing Oliver back into a dismal future.

Oliver’s story is both moving and pitiable, although the overall tone of the film is gloomy. His entire life is at the mercy of the adults around him, whether they are the heartless bureaucrats who would see him in a workhouse, the desperate criminals who would force him into a life of theft and poverty, or the few kind souls who would provide him a home and an education. Regardless of his particular environment, Oliver maintains a permanent expression of melancholy to demonstrate his sad situation and speaks a total of perhaps 10 lines throughout the entire film. Polanski seems to take particular interest in Fagin’s character, who, despite his profession as a thief, is not necessarily evil and does appear to have some redeeming qualities of character. The movie as a whole was quite slow at times, but the second half turned out to be much more rousing, when the menacing Sykes proves himself capable of the most horrific acts.

I would assume that any fan of Dickens would appreciate this movie, and despite its sluggish moments (and extremely long running time), the story itself is immensely engaging. I was somewhat annoyed at times that Oliver had so little dialogue given that the movie is ostensibly centered on his character; but, I suppose he didn’t need to blather on about his unfortunate life in order for the audience to empathize with him. Oliver Twist is a decent movie and a great story, so I recommend it.

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio

2005-10-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio is an interesting movie based on a 1950’s suburban housewife, Evelyn Ryan (Julianne Moore), who supports her extremely large family by winning jingle contests, much to the growing chagrin of her husband, Kelly (Woody Harrelson). Evelyn’s struggle with her societal designation as a housewife despite her impressive verbal talents provided an interesting look at pre-feminist American culture, so I think this movie will vastly appeal to women as well as English majors.

The film is based on the true story of Evelyn Ryan, who lives in Defiance, Ohio with her husband, Kelly, and their 10 children. Evelyn has a gift with words, and between caring for her children, housekeeping, and cooking, she enters numerous jingle contests as a creative (and financially motivated) outlet for her keen intellect. Kelly is resentful of her success, inasmuch as he is forced to endure the taunting of his coworkers and neighbors, who question his ability to provide for his family by referring to Evelyn as the real breadwinner. Despite his clear devotion to Evelyn, he can barely suppress his resentment and humiliation, so he resorts to alcohol to solve his internal manhood issues. Unfortunately, by spending the majority of his paycheck on booze, he forces Evelyn to continue entering and winning contests in order to support the family, which perpetuates his bitterness and ever-simmering anger. Evelyn, for her part, remains relentlessly optimistic and cheerful, attempting to convince herself as much as her family that she is happy with her life and able to conquer any of the problems that perpetually threaten their tenuous financial state.

The screenplay for this film was based on a book written by one of Evelyn’s daughters about her mother’s perseverance in the face of constant poverty. It is apparent then, that while the movie is narrated by Evelyn and therefore ostensibly told from her perspective, it is in actuality a story told from the vantage point of her children. I began to suspect this fact halfway through the movie when I noticed that Evelyn was really just too damn happy all the time (as Kelly himself remarks at one point). As I’m fairly certain Prozac was not around back in those days, I can only assume that her character’s unyielding optimism was probably a product of putting on a tough façade in front of her children. Literally, no matter what horrible catastrophe occurs, Evelyn simply smiles, says something soothing, and gets to work on a solution. Her kids make a failed attempt at changing a diaper and make a disgusting mess everywhere; Kelly destroys Evelyn’s brand new freezer in a fit of rage; she slips and falls on fresh jars of milk, breaking all of them and severely gashing her hands; aliens kidnap her first born son; yet, these events merely serve to inspire a jazzy new jingle in her mind as she cheerfully goes about dealing with whatever calamity has occurred.

I don’t mean to say that this is a bad movie, because it was actually quite interesting. I would say that many people will really enjoy it, and I myself found it to be an intriguing look at one woman’s struggle in the repressive 1950’s and early 1960’s. From what I have read, the movie is very true to the book, which is in all likelihood quite an accurate account from the daughter’s perspective. I definitely recommend this movie to women but also to anyone who can relate to feeling trapped in a world that won’t allow one to reach her (or his) full potential.

Into the Blue

2005-10-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Fans of Jessica Alba will certainly be pleased, as the only reason in the world to see Into the Blue is to admire the bountiful amounts of eye candy. The rest of the movie alternates between being extremely boring and outrageously absurd.

Jared (Paul Walker) is a recently unemployed diving instructor, who lives on a broken down boat with his beautiful girlfriend, Sam (Jessica Alba), in the Bahamas. He desperately wants to be a treasure hunter, but doesn’t have enough money to buy the necessary equipment for such a venture. Eventually, Jared’s brother, Bryce (Scott Caan), comes down to visit along with his date Amanda (Ashley Scott), a chick whom he just picked up the previous night (presumably at the airport I guess). Bryce is a big-time lawyer in New York City, and he has recently gained possession of a beach house and boat in the Bahamas when one of his firm’s clients defaults on payment. As is apparently common practice in big city law firms, the company seizes the client’s personal property and plops the deed on Bryce’s desk. Needless to say, the filmmakers’ creative energies were not overexerted much while planning this film.

Nevertheless, the foursome take out Bryce’s new boat, and after a long and tedious underwater diving scene that is visually appealing but mind numbingly dull, they randomly stumble upon the wreckage of a plane that is filled with cocaine. While this is not quite the treasure that Jared has dreamed of, Bryce and Amanda are absolutely convinced that they should simply sell the cocaine and get rich. While everyone bickers about the drugs, Jared jumps back down into the water among the perfectly docile sharks because he just knows that there’s more treasure to be found other than cocaine! Sure enough, after a few minutes of digging in the sand and holding his breath underwater for a good 10 minutes, he finds the remains of the legendary pirate ship, the Zephyr (note: not the legendary surf/skateboard shop). Unfortunately, the local drug dealer kingpin finds out about the cocaine in the airplane wreck, but instead of simply giving the drugs to him and getting back to the Zephyr, everyone freaks out and acts like idiots for the remainder of the film.

The whole movie was thoroughly exasperating. It’s one thing to be entertained by people making inexplicably half-witted decisions, but usually I get the feeling that the filmmakers intend for the audience to laugh at the imbeciles on the screen versus giving everyone the urge to kick themselves in the face. The dialogue is absolutely vile, and the interactions among the characters were completely unrealistic. There was virtually no chemistry between Sam and Jared, so the filmmakers’ brilliant method for attempting to create it is to have them kiss each other incessantly. Which is just more annoying than anything else. At least by this point in the film I wasn’t so painfully bored to the point of near hypnosis, although my brain cells started writhing in agony at the sight of the heretofore “docile” sharks suddenly deciding to feast on the bad guys--but only the bad guys. You see, sharks are apparently much smarter than humans, because they had the sense to try and eat those involved with this movie.

I only recommend Into the Blue to those interested in watching copious footage of Jessica Alba frolicking around in her bikini. Quite literally, that’s all you’ll get from this film, although the end credits proudly exclaim that there is $6 million in buried treasure just waiting to be unearthed at the bottom of the world’s seas. So, you know, better start looking.

The Greatest Game Ever Played

2005-10-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

The most impressive thing about this movie was its ability to make a golf game ridiculously suspenseful and gripping. Despite being relatively confident of the film’s eventual ending, I remained on the edge of my seat for a solid 15 minutes at the very least.

The Greatest Game Ever Played recounts in relatively accurate detail (by Hollywood standards) the story of Francis Ouimet’s (Shia LaBeouf) improbable run in the 1913 U.S. Open, a time in which golf was played only by the wealthy upper class. Francis enters the tournament with some prodding by a friendly country club member for whom Francis caddies, and he attempts to compete with his childhood idol, Harry Vardon (Stephen Dillane). Vardon and his British compatriot Ted Ray (Stephen Marcus), have traveled from Britain in order to win the U.S. Open and take the American trophy home with them to England. I assumed that the filmmakers would portray Vardon and Ray as villains, making them arrogant and rude, but apparently director Bill Paxton wanted to stay reasonably true to the actual material instead of providing the audience with a gimme bad guy to hate. Harry Vardon is actually quite a sympathetic character in the film, as he comes from a similar background as Francis. Despite his prominence and fame as the greatest golfer in the world, his parentage and impoverished background prevent him from acceptance in British high society—forced to work at the very country club that refuses to grant him membership. Vardon is haunted by the men who still look down on him and sees in Francis a younger version of himself. The wealthy gentlemen with whom Francis competes in the U.S. Open despise Francis for having the audacity to be poor and yet still gifted at golf. He is refused a caddy and is forced to settle for 10 year-old Eddie Lowery, a tenacious kid with a plethora of catchy clichés that often diffuse the pressure that threatens to overcome Francis.

Entwined with the actual tournament itself is the struggle between Francis and his father, in which his dad insists that Francis give up his damn fool ideals and go to work in the mines. Or something equally less exciting. His mother, however, is insistent upon encouraging Francis’ dreams, so she spends the majority of her screen time with a distressed expression on her face to show that she is, in fact, nervous about Francis’ performance in the tournament. The golfing scenes themselves were very interesting and increasingly suspenseful, although there was a considerable amount of slow-motion used for many of the more potent moments in order to further convey to the audience that there is an important event occurring, please pay strict attention. Which we obligingly did.

What I really liked about this movie was that, as far as I have read, it stays reasonably true to the actual story. There are of course some Hollywood embellishments for dramatic effect, but for all intents and purposes, the major details remained intact. The would-be antagonist of the story, Harry Vardon, is allowed to be three-dimensional, which prevents him from being used as the stereotypical villain. Francis himself is not presented as being a veritable saint, although in reality he was in fact a modest and well-mannered man, which is exactly how the film portrays him.

I very highly recommend The Greatest Game Ever Played as a relatively honest account of the historic 1913 U.S. Open, and Francis Ouimet’s resulting impact on the game of golf. I thoroughly enjoy American sports hero movies, and I recommend this one as a great example of a well-told true story.

Roll Bounce

2005-09-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

This movie was great, absolutely fantastic. Having been born in the 80’s, I caught the tail-end of the rollerskating craze and remember many a party at SouthSide Superskate, the local rollerskate establishment. We all stood around the sidelines in awe of those “cool guys” who brought their own flashy skates and could, get this, skate backwards! The skating gods of Roll Bounce receive similar adoration from their fans, although they could do much more than a simple backward skating move. I suggest that you see this movie while you have the chance, it was extremely fun to watch.

Yes, it’s true, L’il Bow Wow is the star of the film, but before you dismiss him in a post ”Like Mike”-hating frenzy, I assure you that he has matured into a respectable actor. He stars as Xavier, aka X, and he and his neighborhood buddies are the hotshots of the local skating rink in 1970’s south side Chicago. Unfortunately, their beloved rink has closed its doors forever, so they are forced to go uptown to the Sweetwater Rink, which is lorded over by the Sweetwater Rollers with Sweetness (Wesley Jonathan) as their leader. Apparently Sweetness is something of a local celebrity what with his supercool skating moves and partially unbuttoned shirt, and he makes grand, sweeping entrances to his own theme music. His entourage talks some smack to X and his friends, and the boys quickly realize that they are a little out of their league compared to the matching outfits and perfectly choreographed skating maneuvers put on by the Sweetwater Rollers. L’il Bow Wow will have none of that, however, so he and his friends start practicing for the upcoming skate-off in the hopes that they can dislodge Sweetness and his crew from the throne of skating deity.

The only problem with the movie is that it is somewhat unfocused and has a second storyline involving X’s inability to move on past his mother’s fairly recent death. This isn’t necessarily a bad storyline, but it didn’t completely mix with the rollerskating aspect and caused the movie to drag a bit in parts. There weren’t very many scenes of the boys practicing their skating routines, so I can only assume that the filmmakers used this father/son drama in order to fill time and maybe even add depth to the characters. My favorite scenes in the movie, however, apart from the rollerskating ones, were the typical summer days spent with the boys. X gets harassed by the local trashmen (a very funny performance from Mike Epps as usual), he delivers newspapers by purposefully throwing them at people’s heads, and he is ambushed by overzealous neighborhood kids wielding an extensive arsenal of water balloons. He and his buddies, along with the girl-next-door Tori (Jurnee Smollett) constantly talk smack to each other and play Atari while drinking out of retro Pepsi cans. The scenes with Sweetness and his crew were equally funny to watch, and I swear I heard the original melodies of almost every single Puff Daddy/BIG/Snoop/Tupac rap remix during the skating routines, which were extremely well choreographed. I could have done without the father/son bit, although that storyline did have its moments as well.

The ending was very reasonable, and I was left feeling quite satisfied with the film. It was lighthearted and innocent, with good acting and dialogue, as well as extremely entertaining 70’s roller disco scenes. This is a movie that I will definitely buy on DVD, and I strongly recommend that you don’t wait that long to see it.

Flightplan

2005-09-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

One major problem I have with movies that take place on an airplane is that many of them insist upon spending useless amounts of time on the process of going to the airport and boarding a plane. Honestly, it really is horrific enough having to go through it in real life, I have absolutely no desire to watch it as a form of “entertainment.” Aside from that, however, this movie really surprised me.

Kyle Pratt (Jodie Foster) has a guy’s name and is taking her daughter, Julia (Marlene Lawston), back to the U.S. after tragically losing her husband in an accident. So, off they go on a ginormous new plane that Kyle herself helped design, and is therefore intimately familiar with every aspect of its construction. After a somewhat long and boring stretch of time, the flight finally takes off, so Kyle and Julia decide to get some sleep. When Kyle wakes up several hours later, however, Julia is gone. At this point she decides to waste everyone’s time by conducting an extremely drawn-out and fruitless search up and down the aisles looking for Julia, despite the fact that everyone in the audience already knows that she won’t be found until the end of the movie, if at all. Once Kyle involves the flight staff in the search, however, the movie finally picks up and turns into a surprisingly good thriller.

As the plane’s captain (Sean Bean) discusses the problem with Kyle, he and his staff start to wonder, as does the audience, whether Kyle is actually just an extremely delusional woman. Julia’s backpack is gone as is her boarding pass, the departure gate in Berlin has no record of checking her in, the passenger manifest does not list Julia as being on board, and no one sitting in the vicinity of Kyle’s seat remembers a little girl. Kyle tries to be as rationale as possible in the face of these facts as she explains to the crew with mounting panic that she definitely brought her daughter on board with her and that the only remaining conclusion is that someone has kidnapped her. Once the captain hears from a Berlin morgue director that Julia was proclaimed dead several weeks ago, however, Kyle is forced to take the situation into her own hands as everyone becomes thoroughly convinced that she is in fact insane.

One aspect of this plane thriller that made it satisfying to watch is that the logic behind the plot is, for once, reasonably sound. I didn’t leave the theater thinking about all the plot holes and flaws in the story, and I didn’t feel cheated by some kind of cheap twist at the end. The characters behave as one would expect given the situation, and the explanation at the end wasn’t outrageously absurd. The audience is allowed to view the situation from both sides of the story: the crew believes Kyle is a loonball. Well, sure—she freaks out and blames a few random passengers for stealing her daughter despite the fact that Julia is allegedly dead. Kyle believes she is the victim of some conspiracy. Well, sure—she knows she brought her daughter with her, and now she’s gone without a trace. She is at a loss to explain how or why someone would do this to her, but she has no other interpretation for the situation.

I really liked Flightplan despite its slow beginning because it was a well thought-out and executed story. It’s nice for a change to watch a movie that seems to be based on common sense, so I highly recommend that you see it.

Corpse Bride

2005-09-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

If you don’t like musicals, Tim Burton movies, or films that feature undead brides marrying introverted men, then do not see Corpse Bride. Personally, however, I like Burton’s style, and I even enjoyed the several brief musical scenes despite my general dislike of musicals. Odd though the movie might have been, I recommend it as some of Burton’s better work.

The movie begins in typical Tim Burton style—drab, grayish colored settings and faintly creepy music, with oddly shaped characters whose features are exacerbated to an extraordinary degree. The opening sequence is a relatively short musical setup for the underlying plot—Victor Van Dort’s (Johnny Depp) parents, who have made a small fortune in the fish market business, have arranged a marriage for their son to Victoria Everglot (Emily Watson), the daughter of the high-society, “old money” Everglots. Victor is shy and clumsy, and although he and Victoria immediately like each other upon meeting at the wedding rehearsal, Victor is unable to relax and properly recite his vows. He wanders into the dark creepy forest later that night to practice, as it is arguably a pleasant and calming enough setting in which to learn one’s wedding vows—in the land of Tim Burton anyway. Which is a place I never wish to visit. Needless to say, as he says the final line and places the ring upon what he assumes is a twig in the ground, a skeletal bride pops out of the ground and attempts to kiss him. Feeling that he prefers Victoria to a partially decomposed corpse, Victor flees the woods with the corpse bride dreamily chasing after him. Once she catches up and plants a nasty wet one on him, however, he finds himself transported to the world of the dead at a local pub where, unfortunately, everybody knows his name. Horrified upon learning that he is on the set of Cheers, he tries to find a way back to the living world in time to marry his intended bride, Victoria. While Victor is inauspiciously trapped in the land of...whatever it is...a snooty newcomer, Lord Barkis Bittern (Richard Grant), introduces himself to Victoria’s parents and offers to marry her in Victor’s stead should they prove unable to locate him in time for the wedding. And there you have it.

I really liked the scenes that took place in the underworld, which was bright and cheery as opposed to the bland and depressing world above. The skeleton characters were really quite jovial, and they celebrated Victor’s arrival and marriage to Emily (the Corpse Bride), in style. There were a few musical acts which were again rather short but very well-choreographed, and through them Burton manages to get the audience to sympathize with Emily for her rather unfortunate demise. The entire place is very visually appealing, and the characters were actually pretty amusing and unexpectedly funny. I was surprised and impressed at how smooth the animation was, and everything seemed to have a very polished look about it as opposed the jerkier style of Burton’s other animated film, The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The simple and creative tale that Burton tells in The Corpse Bride was really very entertaining, and he did a fantastic job with all aspects of the movie. The film itself is predictably strange in the manner that we’ve come to expect from Burton, but he prevented the audience from feeling alienated by developing the characters into people with whom the viewer could sympathize. Anyone who appreciates Tim Burton will obviously love this movie, but underneath the unique veneer of the film is a story that almost anyone would enjoy.

A History of Violence

2005-09-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

This movie was...a bit odd. Good, but odd. I thought I knew where things were going, but then halfway through the film I got confused and realized that I had no clue where the director, David Cronenberg (Crash) was taking the audience.

A History of Violence centers on Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen), a quiet family man living in a small, peaceful Indiana town. He runs the town’s diner, gives his children helpful fatherly advice, and is happily married to Edie (Maria Bello), who at random times decided to give a rather questionable acting performance. Despite her flashes of acting incompetence, Tom loves Edie, and the two quietly go about their contented small-town life. Cronenberg spends a good portion of time developing the characters, which allows the audience to fully appreciate the family’s day-to-day routines and personalities before bringing in the catalyst for the plot. Late one evening as Tom and his two employees are closing up the diner, two strangers enter and attempt to rob the restaurant. Tom at first attempts to keep the situation from escalating, but once it becomes clear that the two men intend to kill him and his employees, he almost effortlessly disarms them before being forced to kill them. The resulting media attention that proclaims Tom a town hero brings with it a Philadelphia mob boss, Carl Fogarty (Ed Harris), who menacingly strolls into town with two thuggish escorts and insists that Tom is actually former mobster Joey Cusack. Carl stays in town for several days, harassing Tom and Edie, and insisting that Tom is actually Joey despite Tom’s assurances that he has the wrong guy. Carl makes it clear that he has only one rather violent thing in mind for Tom/Joey, who apparently was responsible for disfiguring Carl’s face many years ago back in Philadelphia. While Tom appears to be as baffled as his everyone else as to the mobster’s apparent case of mistaken identity, the audience is never really given an indication as to the truth of the matter until later in the movie.

Up until this point in the film, I thought I had a clear idea where things were going, but what I had assumed would be the ending happened too soon. It became clear that the film was not about Tom’s conflict with Carl or the mystery of whether or not he actually is Joey Cusack, but in fact about a man forced to use violence in order to survive, as well his struggle to overcome his inherent natural tendencies in order to become the person he chooses to be. Obviously, since the film is interested in exploring violence, there were some extremely violent scenes and some rather gruesome shots of the consequences of that violence, but the majority of time is spent on Tom’s character development as opposed to those particular altercations.

There were moments toward the end of the movie where I and several other people in the audience started laughing at the near ridiculousness of the scenes, although some of the characters were equally dumfounded at the events unfolding around them, so I suspect that this “humor” might have been intentional. I walked out of the theater feeling that I definitely liked the movie, although it was a bit strange at times. Overall it was an interesting and well-constructed story, however, so I recommend it.

Lord of War

2005-09-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I wouldn’t say that Lord of War was necessarily the happiest movie I have ever seen, but it was definitely one of the better ones I have viewed lately. Similar in some ways to The Constant Gardener in that the citizens of Africa are portrayed as dispensable, in this film they are the casualties of ruthless warlords as opposed to expendable subjects for drug testing. I once again left the theater feeling disturbed by the callousness with which the African people are treated and had a lot to think about in the car ride home.

Lord of War begins at the end, where Yuri Orlov (Nicolas Cage) begins narrating the story of his life as an extremely successful international arms dealer. He describes the events from an objective and dispassionate standpoint, which mirrors his character’s ability to completely detach himself from any morals that would impair his ability to sell guns to a dubious clientele. From Yuri’s perspective, guns are a basic human as essential as food, and he simply provides the people with what they want, calling himself an equal opportunity merchant of death. He enters into the business with his brother, Vitaly Orlov (Jared Leto), and the two are quite successful at their trade, possessing an innate ability to play dangerous cat and mouse games with international officials and avoid capture. Yuri pays off any government agent who can possibly be bought, but he has to constantly outwit or sneak by a particularly overzealous inspector, Jack Valentine (Ethan Hawke), whose ethics cannot be compromised. Valentine is obsessed with catching Yuri but won’t break the law in order to do it, which ironically allows Yuri to hide behind the laws that he makes a living breaking.

Yuri’s best client is the Liberian President, Andre Baptiste (Sammi Rotibi), who is the worst of all African warlords. Yuri doesn’t particularly like Baptiste, or any of his clients for that matter, but is willing to do business with him while turning a blind eye to the massacres in front of him. At one point, he brings a shipment of guns to some of Baptiste’s soldiers on the outskirts of an African settlement, knowing that the instant the transaction is completed the guns will be used to massacre the residents of the nearby colony. His motto in these instances is, “it’s not my fight,” which he constantly repeats to himself in order to assure his conscience that he is not really responsible for the deaths caused by his weapons. To him, the sound of gunfire literally sounds like a cash machine.

The movie makes a statement about ethics and morals, as well as the culpability of the U.S. government in actually encouraging gunrunning as a necessary evil. The filmmakers focus on Yuri’s character, as the story is told from his first-hand perspective, but it’s not simply a story of one man’s business in gun trafficking. It was a very interesting movie with excellent characters, and while it was certainly a dark story, I really enjoyed watching it. I definitely recommend that you see it, especially if you enjoy character-driven political movies that leave you with something to think about afterward.

Cry_Wolf

2005-09-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

It’s clear to me that the writers of Cry Wolf were unable to prevent the ending from being completely predictable, so they resorted to the trusty “three different twists in a row” method in order to throw the audience off. Unfortunately, by the time the third twist came around, I just couldn’t care less what happened to these people anymore. However, despite the multi-faceted ending, the journey toward the conclusion was interesting enough to keep me from feeling pissed off.

Owen Matthews (Julian Morris) has just moved into a new boarding school after being kicked out of his previous one due to consistent insolence and speaking with a British accent. He meets a sly young lass by the name of Dodger (Lindy Booth), who is part of the in-crowd and likes to sneak out in the middle of the night to play “lying games” with her popular and appropriately multi-cultural friends. Dodger is the leader of the group, and she decides that this year they are going to up the stakes of the game by playing it with the entire school (unbeknownst to everyone outside of the group of course—I mean it’s a lot easier to win games when people don’t realize that they’re even playing one). The ingenious plan is to use the recent unsolved shooting death of a townie in order to create a serial killer who moves from school to school using the same pattern: kill a townie as a warning shot and then proceed to butcher all the members of the in-crowd. The only problem with their foolproof scheme is that they plan all of the details right in front of other students. (?)

Obviously, as we see from the previews, Owen starts to receive IM’s from The Wolf (as they dubbed him), and members of the in-crowd actually do start getting killed off. Or do they? Not quite sure whether his newfound friends are playing a harmless, innocent practical joke or whether they really are becoming the victims of an actual killer, Owen runs around the campus doing…well, basically nothing except hit on Dodger. I suppose that’s fairly reasonable considering.

The scares in the film mostly come from brief encounters with The Wolf, in which the characters attempt to determine whether they are the victims of a practical joke or about to be murdered. There are several times when the killer does turn out to be one of the friends, and several times when it appears that a character has guessed incorrectly—oops, you lose the game, haha! Eventually, all of the remaining in-crowd kids get together in a dark, scary chapel on campus and try to determine whether the prank has become real or not.

All in all, Cry Wolf wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t as scary as I had anticipated it would be, and I was particularly annoyed with the triple-ending tactic, but, nonetheless, it was interesting to watch. I’m still not sure why AOL would want to showcase their product in the context of a chat-happy serial killer, but perhaps I am just not familiar with current marketing techniques these days. I recommend Cry Wolf as a relatively decent horror flick, but it really wouldn’t hurt to wait for the DVD to come out.

Just Like Heaven

2005-09-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

Just Like Heaven is fairly standard, probably more appealing to women than men simply by its nature as a romantic comedy, but entertaining and fun to watch regardless.

Reese Witherspoon plays Elizabeth Masterson, a somewhat neurotic E.R. doctor extraordinaire. She has, apparently, no life outside of her job and works 26 hour shifts at the hospital before her boss forces her to go home and sleep, ostensibly under the impression that fatigue is not one of the qualities that patients look for in their surgeons. Driving home from the hospital, Elizabeth is hit by one of those random semi trucks that can often be found careening recklessly up and down those exceptionally steep and narrow San Francisco streets. It happens all the time, I swear. So, following Elizabeth’s unfortunate accident, her family rents out her apartment to David Abbot (Mark Ruffalo), a lonely depressed guy, on a month-to-month basis. Immediately upon moving into the apartment, however, David encounters Elizabeth’s thoroughly annoyed spirit, who orders him to clean up the mess he’s made and then get out of her apartment. He quickly discovers that Elizabeth apparently doesn’t realize that she is a ghost, and once he convinces her of this fact it becomes clear that she also has no memory of her life—except for the fact that she desperately wants people to use coasters on her coffee table. For reasons unknown, David is the only person who can see Elizabeth’s spirit, and while at first they are annoyed with each other and bicker incessantly, they eventually develop feelings for each other. Shocking.

The dialogue in the movie is fairly witty, and there are several scenes that provided some androgynous humor in which I definitely laughed aloud. There was one particularly funny scene in which David hires a variety of different spirit cleansing companies to rid the apartment of Elizabeth’s presence, including an actual Ghostbusters squad replete with the corresponding Ray Parker theme song from the movie. Both Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo do well with their characters, and some of the funniest moments come during their interaction together. The director, Mark Waters (Mean Girls), often shows scenes from the perspective of a secondary character who cannot see Elizabeth, making it appear as though David is essentially bickering with himself. I was pleased that the filmmakers did not overuse this tactic, as it does appear somewhat frequently, but not so much that it becomes glaringly apparent that the writers didn’t have enough material to work with.

While the movie never really explains why Elizabeth’s spirit haunted her apartment or why David is the only one who can see her, it makes enough sense such that I didn’t want to bash my head against the seat in front of me. This movie was surprisingly well-written, and when combined with the acting talents of Witherspoon and Ruffalo, the film becomes quite entertaining and certainly likable. I’m sure it appeals more to women than men simply because it is a romantic comedy about an emotional connection after all, but since my date wasn’t glaring hatefully at me nor was he falling asleep (as he is often wont to do), I think it is safe to say that this would be a good date movie as opposed to a “girls night out” film.

I think it should go without saying that it's certainly not a "boys night out" movie though.

An Unfinished Life

2005-09-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

I’m now convinced that any character-driven drama absolutely must feature Morgan Freeman so that he can provide timely commentary on the human condition and wisely nudge the characters toward their inevitable epiphanies.

In this particular drama, Jean Gilkyson (Jennifer Lopez), a young widower who lives with a violently abusive boyfriend in the Midwest, finally reaches her breaking point after a severe beating and flees town with her only daughter. Not having any money whatsoever, she turns in desperation to her estranged father-in-law, Einar Gilkyson (Robert Redford), who runs a small ranch in her Wyoming hometown. Einar blames Jean for his son’s death in a car accident nearly 12 years prior and has never healed from the loss, but out of pity for the granddaughter he didn’t even know he had, Einar agrees to take the two in temporarily while Jean tries to earn enough money to move on someplace else. Einar is gruff and distant with his granddaughter, Griff (Becca Gardner), and even more so with Jean, barely able to even speak to her. His longtime ranch hand, Mitch (Morgan Freeman), who lives in a small house next to Einar’s, was severely mauled by a bear a year earlier and is left as an invalid whom Einar cares for. Anytime Einar huffs around about Jean, Mitch provides a wise insight into Einar’s character that forces him to face his own personal issues and blah blah blah. While Jean works in the local diner to earn enough money to leave, Griff becomes obsessed with performing farm chores. Einar slowly warms up to his granddaughter through these shared activities, so Morgan Freeman takes a brief rest from stating life truths until the next big argument erupts. Eventually, Jean’s abusive ex boyfriend comes into town looking for her, which adds an interesting element to the plot.

Mitch discovers at the beginning of the movie that the bear that mauled him a year ago has been captured and placed in a local zoo, and he persuades Einar to visit the bear and feed it—his readiness to forgive the animal despite its drastic effect on his physical capabilities is the opposite of Einar’s refusal to move on past his son’s death by forgiving Jean. When the ex boyfriend finally confronts Jean for running away from him, Einar is forced to decide whether he can rise above his desperation to blame her in order to help her.

This movie is obviously all about character development, and the simple rustic setting mirrors the simple storyline. The acting is really well done, and although the movie progresses very slowly and deliberately I never really got bored with it. I only recommend An Unfinished Life to people who don’t mind the slow-moving, character driven stories where very little action occurs. I give it four stars because it really seems to achieve its objectives perfectly, and anyone who likes stories about human emotions will definitely enjoy this one.

Einar faces his issues. Jean faces her issues. The bear faces its issues. And Morgan Freeman nods serenely, another job well done.

The Man

2005-09-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

Clearly, Samuel L. Jackson has sold his soul. I don’t know how much money he received for starring in The Man, but I really hope that it’s enough to prevent him from ever needing to do a movie like this again.

The Man features a mismatched pair of men who must work together to take down an international guns dealer with “hilarious” results. Andy Fiddler (Eugene Levy) is a naïve and overly friendly dental supply salesman from Wisconsin, who travels to Detroit for a dental supply salesman conference. He finds himself in the wrong café at the wrong time, when a guns dealer casually strolls in and mistakes Andy for an interested gun buyer. Ha ha, what a doofus! The ATF agent investigating the gun dealer, Agent Vann (Samuel L. Jackson), is forced to abduct Andy and bully him into aiding the investigation by continuing with the transaction and setting the arms dealer up for an arrest.

Samuel L. Jackson plays his usual pissed off, threatening character, while Eugene Levy basically continues with his “Jim’s dad” role from American Pie. The filmmakers just sit back and assume that audiences will be rolling out of their seats with laughter at the mismatching of these two drastically opposite characters, so they don’t bother with a fleshed out plot. The pair endlessly drive around in Jackson’s car, with Eugene Levy talking nonstop about blah blah blah, while Jackson glares hatefully at him and everyone else in the movie (presumably annoyed that he’s in this movie in the first place—hey, the audience isn’t all that happy either, buddy!). Since people ostensibly only find Jackson funny when he’s angry and yelling obscenities and threats everywhere, he basically takes the Al Pacino route and yells at the top of his lungs for the entire duration of the film. He violently roughs up his snitches and is apparently not held to any standard of police conduct whatsoever, because...I dunno, he’s Samuel L. Jackson, he does what he wants!

I admit that I find Jackson funny when he’s angry and screaming, but the movie relies absolutely 100% on the interaction between Levy’s Midwestern schmuck persona and Jackson’s tough street cop character for the humor. This became clear when I realized that the entire movie was going to take place in Jackson’s car as the two drive around from location to location, “investigating” the arms dealer. The dialogue isn’t necessarily all that great, and it seemed like the filmmakers were stretched extremely thin in terms of plot development, even resorting to my favorite indicator of mediocrity: fart jokes--four times. There was even a cavity search involved no less. The rest of the time, Levy throws around random adages about happiness and god knows what, while Jackson shouts back inappropriate threats, at one point even saying, “I’m going to beat you like a runaway slave.”

Wow.

I did get a few smiles and even one chuckle out of The Man, and it was funny at one point to see Jackson being referred to as a “bitch,” but otherwise it was mostly a worthless two hours spent in the theater. The characters themselves are funny as an idea, but having them listlessly drive around in a car for two hours was not a good use of the actors’ time or abilities. It was definitely not a good use for my money either.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (or )

2005-09-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

The Exorcism of Emily Rose felt very much like a special Halloween episode of Law & Order, which isn’t to say that it was bad, but that it was much more focused on the courtroom drama than Emily’s supposed demon possession itself. The bulk of the movie happens in the courtroom, with brief narrative flashbacks that show how the alleged possession started and ultimately ended with Emily’s death. Whether her condition was supernatural or not is left for the viewer to decide, as the movie doesn’t entirely take a firm stance on the subject. If you enjoy courtroom thrillers then you will probably like this one, but do not go into it expecting a movie like The Exorcist.

The film starts with the arrest of Father Moore (Tom Wilkinson), a local priest who performed a failed exorcism on Emily and is charged with negligent homicide for her resulting death. Up-and-coming defense attorney Erin Bruner (Laura Linney) is told to take the case by her firm, which represents the arch diocese. The trial begins immediately, and as Erin investigates the circumstances of Emily’s alleged possession and eventual death, she begins to fear that she herself is under attack from dark forces as strange things start happening to her late at night. Apparently, according to the movie anyway, these demonic activities always go down at 3am, so if you ever wake up in the middle of the night at 3am then the most logical conclusion that you can come to is that you are about to become possessed. Just so you know.

The movie uses the courtroom scenes as juxtaposition for the two competing theories for Emily’s condition. Either she was possessed by demons or she was suffering from the very rare mental condition of Psychotic Epileptic Disorder. As witnesses recount what happened to Emily, the film switches to absolutely terrifying flashbacks that show exactly how she became possessed in her perspective. But, when the district attorney cross-examines the same witnesses, flashbacks are again shown that explain how the same phenomena could just as easily be explained using medical reasons (e.g. having a violent seizure instead of being physically attacked by demons). The flashback scenes of Emily’s initial possession are absolutely scary as hell—extremely suspenseful and oftentimes disturbing. Her experiences are horrifying to witness, and her physical state rapidly begins to deteriorate, which ultimately leads to her demise. The “demons” won’t allow her to eat anything except spiders, which are ostensibly a nutritious diet for the forces of evil, but not quite enough for humans as Emily essentially starves to death.

The movie did a good job of remaining ambiguous for the most part, and I suppose that the filmmakers did not want to rehash old material by making the film solely a possession/exorcism movie. I don’t think that I could classify The Exorcism of Emily Rose as a “scary movie” overall, but it is definitely a decent courtroom thriller with some supernatural elements. The possession scenes were easily some of the scariest moments I have seen in any movie, and I was really disappointed that there were so few of them. I’m certain that many of these disturbing parts will stay with me for a while, which itself made the movie worthwhile for me personally. I mean, the sight of someone being pressed into a mattress and strangled by an unseen force is simply not something I can easily dismiss.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose is a good film as far as courtroom thrillers go but disappointing for a horror movie. Four stars for the former, two for the latter.

Underclassman

2005-09-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—anytime a movie has to resort to poop jokes in an attempt to pry laughs out of the audience, you know that unless you’re 10 years old you’ve a long movie ahead of you.

In all honesty, Underclassman wasn’t that bad of a film, but it didn’t have anything spectacular to offer that would cause me to remember it or want to see it again. Nick Cannon, who plays the lead role of Officer Trey Stokes, was extremely likable and seems to have a great amount of charisma; however, the sole force of his personality alone was not enough to make a great comedy. He plays a young and reckless bike cop, who is allowed to go undercover in an upper-class private high school in order to solve the murder of one of its students. This is apparently a new tactic that police departments everywhere are adopting—going undercover to solve any and all murders. Trey’s orders are to befriend Rob Donovan (Shawn Ashmore), the wealthy in-crowd alpha male, because he is ostensibly suspected of having something to do with the murder—for the life of me I can’t remember why, which is probably because the filmmakers couldn’t be bothered to craft a solid plot. Nevertheless, Trey enrolls in the school and eventually uncovers some sort of car-theft ring that also somehow involves drugs. Again, the details of the plot are completely ignored, so I really can’t say for certain what the connection is—maybe it’s bioterrorism.

Trey desperately wants to become a detective and hopes to use this assignment in order to prove himself worthy of the position; however, his boss, Captain Delgado (Cheech Marin), insists that Trey is too reckless and that he should use his time in high school to earn that diploma he never got in the first place. I don’t quite understand what this fact implies about our police force—is it really possible to become a detective without ever having graduated high school, much less gone to college?

There were several moments during the movie that made me smile—not laugh or chuckle, mind you—and again, Trey Stokes is an extremely charming character who adds a pleasant tone to the film. The humor wasn’t clever or original, however, so I felt like I was watching a film that was clearly running on autopilot. Obviously the filmmakers were relying heavily, if not completely, upon Nick Cannon’s likeability to make the movie funny, although, as stated earlier, they did resort to some cheesy sources of comedy as well (e.g. poop jokes). They also use the usual “black guy in a predominantly white environment,” look-how-different-these-cultures-are method, which was quite funny the first time I saw it—several million movies ago.

Underclassman wasn’t horrible by any means, but it was nothing I hadn’t seen several times before. I wasn’t writhing in mental agony during the short hour and a half, so it’s not something I would suggest anyone necessarily avoid, but it’s also not something that I would recommend anyone rush out to see immediately. If you enjoy no-brainer comedies, however, then don't miss this one.

The Constant Gardener

2005-09-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

The Constant Gardener was, as expected, quite good. I found it to be a very exciting, smart, and well-told story, which requires the viewer to pay extremely close attention to details as they all become critically relevant at later points in the movie. It is a very serious film however, so I wouldn’t recommend seeing it unless you are in the mood for heavy political and social commentary.

The story centers on Justin Quayle (Ralph Fiennes), a British diplomat working in Africa along with his wife, Tessa (Rachel Weisz), who is a passionate political activist. The story begins with Tessa’s mysterious murder in a small African town along with her alleged lover, Dr. Arnold Bluhm (Hubert Koundé). Tessa’s secretive day-to-day activities in the months leading to her death gave the impression that she was indeed having an affair, but given the gruesome manner in which she was killed, Justin begins to suspect that perhaps something more sinister was going on. While everyone around him insists that Tessa was simply an overzealous conspiracy theorist who was killed at the hands of bandits, Justin retraces Tessa’s final few days and discovers inklings of something more dangerous behind her murder. The movie features several flashback scenes which detail Justin and Tessa’s initial meeting and relationship and then progressively show Tessa’s investigations into a pharmaceutical company’s methods for the distribution of AIDS medication. As the movie switches back and forth between past and present, Justin’s continuing exploration of Tessa’s work begins to reveal an insidious conspiracy that both the British government and the pharmaceutical company attempt to hide from him with escalating violence.

I was impressed at how this movie was as much a character-driven story as it was a conspiracy thriller. Justin, though married to Tessa, seemed to know very little about her professional life and therefore doesn’t really know her all that well. She did not confide in him about her findings or the fact that she was even delving into an investigation at all, so her secretive interactions with Dr. Arnold Bluhm could have been both romantic and professional—Justin doesn’t know, and neither does the audience until the end of the film. As we learn the intricacies of the conspiracy we simultaneously learn more about Tessa’s personality—as does Justin himself.

The movie is political without taking sides, and its message is insightful and not beaten over the viewer’s head. It doesn’t paint a very nice picture of large pharmaceutical companies, which are at one point compared to arms dealers. On the opposite side are the African people who are victims of the conspiracy—treated as expendable and fully aware of that fact, they do nothing to help themselves as the alternative is certain death from AIDS. Suffice it to say that the acting in this movie is superb, although this shouldn’t be too surprising given that the lead character is played by Ralph Fiennes. There is also an interesting artistic quality to the film, which prevents it from feeling flashy or over hyped. The story is exciting and draws the audience in, but again, the details are important, so it’s essential to pay close attention to any names that are mentioned, however briefly.

The Constant Gardner is a very well-done and artistic movie, and I definitely recommend that you see it. The story is exciting, the acting is excellent, and I was left with a lasting contemplative mood—which is a nice change of pace after frequent brain-frying in the theater.

A Sound of Thunder

2005-09-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

A Sound of Thunder is a cautionary tale about mankind destroying itself through the careless use of time travel. More importantly however, was the fact that this movie projects that the Cubs will finally win that elusive World Series title in 2022 and again in 2046—meaning that even if the entire world is destroyed, at least everyone on the north side of Chicago will die happy.

The film takes place in 2055, when the ability to travel through time has been perfected by corporate mogul Charles Hatton (Ben Kingsley). Hatton’s company, Time Safari, allows high paying customers a chance to travel 65 million years into the past in order to hunt an Allosaurus during the late Cretaceous period—quite a feat really, considering that Allosaurs lived during the late Jurassic, 85 million years prior. Nevertheless, having apparently conquered reality as well as time, the Time Safari team leads countless hunting expeditions to the exact same point in time to kill the same Allosaur. The rules for each trip are as follows: 1. Don’t change anything; 2. Don’t leave anything behind; 3. Don’t bring anything back with you. Needless to say, people in future Chicago apparently don’t care about the integrity of the space time continuum and blatantly disregard the rules by squashing a prehistoric butterfly. All hell proceeds to calmly break loose.

Unfortunately, this is the point of no return in the movie, and anyone who has any capacity for rational thought whatsoever should probably just walk out of the theater. After the hunting expedition goes horribly awry, the team returns to 2055 thinking that they managed to escape without altering history. Once they step outside however, um...nothing has changed. No, seriously. Apparently, changes in the past have absolutely no effect on the future whatsoever—for 24 hours. Pretty soon “time waves” start showing up every so often and gradually change the present, at first with climate changes, followed by vegetation, and ending with more complex organisms—human beings being the last thing that will presumably change. The Time Safari scientists scramble to find a way to go back and prevent the butterfly from being killed, while the world around them is drastically affected by an alternate evolutionary path in which literally everything seems to be predatory by nature. This universal predatory behavior includes plants, which at one point actually make a physical effort to chase the scientists.

There were many elements of unbelievability in the film, which despite being a science fiction movie should still have some semblance of reality given that it takes place on earth. I can forgive the filmmaker’s take on how time travel’s subsequent repercussions would occur incrementally, but when someone (ostensibly a scientist) refers to a particle accelerator as being basically a “plug and play,” device then I really start to get exasperated. But maybe I’m wrong, in which case someone should really inform the director at the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center about this groundbreaking new use for particle accelerators.

Don’t get me wrong, this movie was definitely entertaining, and in all fairness it wouldn’t have been possible for them to make a movie like this using the constraint that changes in the past would instantaneously affect the future. Of course, at one point in the movie a change in the past actually does instantly change the present without any time waves, so apparently the time wave ripple effect only happens some of the time. Needless to say, the story itself, while inherently flawed, is quite intriguing, so I recommend that you see the movie. But, don’t get caught up in the details.

The Transporter 2

2005-09-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

The Transporter 2 is one of those movies wherein the viewer must suspend all disbelief and knowledge of physics in order to enjoy the movie. Once that is out of the way, the action scenes can be enjoyed to their fullest extent.

Ex Special Forces agent Frank Martin (Jason Statham) has moved to Miami, where he has quietly resumed his lucrative transportation services from the first film. Unfortunately for him, he is drawn into a conspiracy that starts with the kidnapping of Jack Billings, a rich politician’s 8 year-old son whom Frank has been driving to and from school everyday as a favor to a friend. However, what appears at first to be a normal kidnapping turns out to be something far more sinister, which is apparent once Jack is returned to his parents halfway through the movie. Frank starts out to rescue the boy but quickly discovers the real conspiracy behind the kidnapping and resigns himself to stopping it.

Transporter 2 is very similar to its predecessor, in that the dialogue is extremely shaky in parts, the conspiracy is laughable, and the action is visually stimulating if not highly implausible. Jason Statham once again proves his adeptness in the fighting sequences, which strongly reminded me of Jackie Chan movies in which any and every object in sight is used as a weapon to repel the bad guys. The car chase scenes were also extremely well directed in this film, but it seems that Frank decided to ditch his trusty BMW from the first film and instead chose to drive Audi’s heretofore unknown “scratch and dent resistant” series. I was particularly impressed with this new Audi because apparently it has the ability to crash through cement barriers head on without so much as a shattered headlight, while the police cars pile up on top of each other in a spectacular wreckage. Even Bond cars aren’t that impervious to destruction, but then again, perhaps James Bond just hasn’t discovered the miracle that is Audi engineering.

The car isn’t the only element of implausibility in this movie, however, and I strongly suggest that if you have difficulty separating Hollywood’s version of reality from actual real-world reality then you should not see this movie. It will only aggravate you to the point of insanity, as your brain cells struggle valiantly to accept the fact that Frank can now dodge bullets, and the evil chick villain can blow up helicopters with one simple round of gunfire (while prancing around in her underwear no less). At one point Frank races a stunning Lamborghini underneath a plane, and my brain was sufficiently liquefied to the extent that I started to wonder if the car itself was going to take flight—needless to say, Hollywood doesn’t take us that far, but I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised given the events that had so far transpired.

The Transporter 2 is the perfect example of an action movie that requires its audience to ignore their academic sensibilities, much like the James Bond films. I have no problem doing this, although the unbelievability might ruin the action for some. This movie definitely pushes the limits in several scenes, but then again, I didn’t pay $10 to watch a documentary. I paid to watch Frank Martin kick the crap out of bad guys, drive his car recklessly about while making a few choice witticisms, and perform all manner of ridiculous stunts in order to save the citizens of Miami from some over-the-top villain and his complicated and diabolical plan. And I got exactly what I wanted.

Undiscovered

2005-09-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Undiscovered is the type of movie that you can skip entirely and yet still correctly guess exactly what happened in the story, including the pitiful ending. So, needless to say, don’t waste your time and certainly not your money.

Luke Falcon (Steven Strait) is a struggling musician living in New York City, who decides to move to Los Angeles in order to seriously pursue his musical career. As he rides the subway with his brother on the way to the airport, he bumps into Brier Tucket (Pell James), a beautiful model who smiles at him as the train pulls away. Luke takes this to mean that she must consequently be the girl of his dreams and love of his life. So he moves to Los Angeles. The movie then switches focus to Brier, at which point the audience instantly realizes that the two will eventually meet again and fall in love, etcetera etcetera. Brier eventually decides that her success in modeling must be an indication of some inherent acting ability, so she moves to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. Unfortunately for the audience, Brier befriends a fellow aspiring actress in the form of Ashlee freaking Simpson, and we are forced to watch Ashlee “act.” That is to say, she basically plays herself. Honestly, it was like watching her horrendous reality show, and as if that weren’t unpleasant enough, the director insists upon a multitude of extreme close-ups of Ashlee’s face every two seconds. All sarcasm aside, however, Ashlee wasn’t all that bad, which is probably as good an indication as any of how terrible this movie was.

It just so happens that Ashlee is friends with none other than Luke from the opening scene, which surprises no one, and the endlessly predictable plot stumbles around while Brier and Luke reacquaint themselves with each other. Since the filmmakers can’t have them fall in love until the end of the movie, they halt the romance by giving Brier a fear of musicians. No, literally. She is fearful of dating Luke because he plays music, as apparently her previous boyfriend was some musician who cheated on her. Nevertheless, since everyone is now the bestest of buds, Ashlee and Brier scheme up a plan to create some buzz about Luke’s music and help launch his career. Their ingenious plan involves hiring an unknown Brazilian model to come to one of Luke’s shows and take a picture with him, which in turn will ostensibly create some hype. Dang, if only every struggling musician had someone behind him to mastermind such a brilliant publicity plan. Inexplicably, the plan works, and enough buzz is generated that Luke snags a deal with Tantra, a reputable recording label with the predictably arrogant money-hungry manager. As Brier feared, however, fame starts to go to Luke’s scruffy head, and he subsequently alienates all of his friends and his brother in favor of dating the snotty Brazilian model.

There were many reasons why this movie was terrible—hideous dialogue, shockingly predictable plot, relentless musical montages, and three Ashlee Simpson songs which the audience had to agonizingly endure for their entirety. The filmmakers attempt to fill time by putting these identical-sounding songs to flashbacks of Brier and Luke’s courtship, his rise to fame, and the inevitable breaking point when he realizes he’s been a jerk. I won’t tell you how it ends, but I urge you not to watch the movie to find out, because it is in no way surprising.

The closing credits have short “plot wrap-up” scenes, but honestly, I just couldn’t stay to watch. By that point I had really had enough.

The Brothers Grimm

2005-08-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

Personally, I thought this movie was great. It was creative, somewhat spooky in parts, funny, and it had a variety of interesting characters. However, I think that many viewers might find the movie a little on the weird side, as it incorporates several fairy tale legends into one overall mythical legend with some rather strange events.

Will Grimm (Matt Damon) and Jake Grimm (Heath Ledger) are traveling con artists in the late 1700s during French occupied Germany, where they play upon local legends and beliefs by creating ghosts or witches which they then defeat for payment. With the assistance of two other men, they use elaborate systems of springboards, ropes and pulleys, and light displays in order to create the illusion of an otherworldly haunting. Unfortunately, however, the French military becomes aware of their scheme, and forces them to go to the aid of Marbaden, a small German town whose woods appear to be haunted. Their mission is to unmask the real culprits who are causing the disturbance and rescue 10 missing girls who have mysteriously disappeared within the forest. They are led through the enchanted woods by Angelika (Lena Headey), a beautiful hunter/trapper whose three sisters are among the missing. Once they enter the woods, however, it becomes clear that they are not dealing with any con artists, despite Will's insistence that they must be simply extremely well funded.

While Will attempts to "Scully" everything that he sees, Jake sets about trying to discover the story behind the woods and the enchanted tower that they find within it. The movie incorporates several minor fables such as Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel, and even the Gingerbread Man in a rather surprising and odd scene. The special effects are all quite good, which makes the movie nice to look at, and I was happy to see that they weren't overdone or made to be the focus of the film. The two brothers are both on opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of their explanations for what is happening in the forest, which provides some tension and funny dialogue. Jake's character is easily the most likable in the movie, as he is a bit naive and ready to believe in magical occurences, but always follows his brother's lead.

The film maintains a definite light atmosphere throughout most of its scenes, but at times switches to suspenseful and even gruesome. I appreciated the light tone and humorous dialogue when it was there, but I liked that the filmmakers were able to keep things serious for the more suspenseful scenes, especially considering that the story itself is rather dark. There were a few elements of the story that weren't explained well enough and could have used a bit more attention, but on the whole I didn't have much trouble following the plot. I also felt that one of the characters, the Italian torture specialist Cavaldi (Peter Stormare), could have been toned down just a bit, as many viewers might find him on the annoying side at times. However, he was entertaining enough and got much less annoying toward the end.

I admit that The Brothers Grimm is definitely my kind of movie, so I'm somewhat predisposed to like it. I definitely don't think it's for everyone, as some might find the creative aspects a little too strange. But as far as suspenseful fantasies go, I thought this one was really pretty good.

The Cave

2005-08-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

As far as monster movies go, this one was pretty decent--creatures with big teeth and sharp claws who possess some kind of physical advantage over their hapless human prey, systematically devour the characters one at a time. Despite hinting at something far more sinister than big scary monsters, The Cave was still the same kind of story with different creatures in a different setting. Nothing surprising here.

This time we have a team of expert cave divers led by Jack (Cole Hauser) and his little brother Tyler (Eddie Cibrian). They have been called to the Carpathian Mountains in Romania, where a wandering team of generic scientists has found a huge cave beneath the ruins of an old church. The team scoffs at drawings on the old church walls of knights getting the crap kicked out of them by ferocious winged devil monsters, and happily descends into the cave. Which then promptly collapses on them. They are then left to find a new path out of the cave and avoid the ferocious winged devil monsters that start appearing. The hot chick among the group decides at this point that the best course of action would be to strip down into a bra and tight shorts, because if she's going to die then she wants to look good doing it.

For some reason, the monsters take their sweet time in attacking the wayward explorers, and the movie builds up several scenes as though someone is about to be ripped to shreds but then fades to black instead. It turns out that the creatures, when we finally do see them, use a form of echolocation to determine which stupid human to attack next. I fear that the filmmakers simply did not use enough characters for the team, as the real action in the movie does not get going until the end when they can afford to start killing people off. It's certainly not surprising who ends up getting eaten either, as certain personality characteristics will apparently always get one killed in these situations. I was disappointed with the action shots as well, as the filmmakers apparently chose to use the cameras as strobe lights rather than capturing extended seconds of film. Instead of watching a fight between a monster and one of the characters, the audience is treated to a jumbled mass of blurry motion.

The movie does add some rather interesting twists to the "get killed off one-by-one" plot but sadly does not choose to make the story more interesting by expanding upon the idea. The first ten minutes of the film, which is set 30 years earlier during the cold war, builds the audience up for some kind of great historical revelation, but when absolutely nothing comes of it all, I wondered what the point was of including it in the first place. Apparently, this is left as an exercise for the viewer.

For a monster movie, The Cave wasn't horrible, and it achieved its purpose in providing a new setting in which people can be chased and eaten. However, it wasn't very clever or as interesting as it obviously had the potential to be, so I can't say that it was unique enough to warrant the $10. If you want to watch monsters chase down a group of people in a cave three miles beneath the surface, then you will not be disappointed with The Cave. You just won't be surprised either.

Valiant

2005-08-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

I’m giving Valiant two stars for a general audience, but I would say that it would be closer to three or even four stars for kids. It’s cute, mildly funny, and the story is interesting yet simple to follow.

Valiant (voiced by Ewan McGregor) is a small pigeon who lives in the English countryside during World War II. He wants to join the Royal Homing Pigeon Service (RHPS) and serve his country by delivering important messages that have the potential to save lives and win the war for the allies. Unfortunately, he is rather small in stature, but strong in spirit and determination, and blah blah blah, so he sets off to sign up for training. Along the way he encounters Bugsy (voiced by Ricky Gervais), a dirty and unkempt swindling pigeon who signs up for the RHPS along with Valiant in an attempt to avoid some aggressive crows whom he just tricked out of some seeds. The pair are joined by three other misfit types and summarily placed in Squad F, which is the reject squad. Surely, this squad will not be called upon to embark on a dangerous mission with no likelihood of success and yet emerge victorious where the superior squads failed. Surely.

Ah, but of course this is Disney. And we’ve seen this story a skajillion times before, so we all know precisely what will happen. Again however, this is a kid’s movie, so your average 6 year old probably hasn’t learned his share of Disney life lessons yet. Valiant and his squadron are trained endlessly, yet they continuously seem to have a series of blunders that cause the drill sergeant to constantly shake his head in exasperation. Inevitably, Squads A through E are taken out by falcons, and a dangerous mission to retrieve a message from the French Resistance is left to the bungling Squad F. They set off to complete the mission, learning about teamwork and the importance of believing in oneself along the way.

There are a few scattered scenes that I thought were pretty funny, but mostly the film delivered a few chuckles here and there. John Cleese lends his voice to a Squad A pigeon who is captured by the falcons, and it was his character that provided the most laughs in the movie. Bugsy is also a fairly funny character as well, although not quite to the extent as Cleese’s pigeon. The filmmakers use Bugsy mostly for the farting, burping, and armpit humor, but fortunately he was also given several funny lines of dialogue that did not revolve around bodily functions.

This movie was moderately funny, and it was a cute and entertaining story. I am sure that younger kids would like it, but it doesn’t seem to have the same adult appeal of higher caliber animated films like Toy Story. Let me put it this way, any adult who takes a child to see Valiant will be reasonably entertained without worrying that he/she will be completely miserable during the short hour and 50 minutes.

Supercross

2005-08-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

How good was Supercross? So good, that I was, quite literally, the only person in the movie theater. If that tells you anything.

Basically, this film was a rather poor attempt to showcase the popular sport of motocross through the experiences of two brothers, K.C. Carlyle (Steve Howey) and younger brother Trip Carlyle (Mike Vogel). K.C. plays things safe when he rides, driving “old school,” whereas Trip lives more on the edge, taking risks and frequent jumps. The filmmakers are completely oblivious as far as character development, so they choose to make these particular riding preferences identical to the brothers’ personalities as well. Trip is therefore a hotheaded, carefree risk taker in every aspect of his life, whereas K.C. is level-headed and responsible. K.C. and Trip eventually enter into a local motocross event, where they almost win but for a last second crash caused by Trip’s recklessness. Amazingly enough, a representative from Nami, a company that manufactures motorcycles and sponsors a Supercross team, is impressed with K.C.’s natural racing abilities and signs him onto the team. Because that’s precisely what large companies do—sign up complete unknowns with little to no racing experience to professional contracts. Unfortunately for K.C., his brother Trip is pissed at him for having the audacity to succeed, and his sponsors only want him to block for his obnoxious teammate, Rowdy Sparks (Channing Tatum). Trip, meanwhile, continues to behave recklessly and loses his truck in a rash decision to street race! The audience (which was again, just me) is captivated by this dramatic turn of events, which the filmmakers attempt to emphasize using a music montage where K.C. forlornly walks around the track, and a dejected Trip cleans pools by himself.

The movie squanders its one opportunity to create some competitive tension when Trip gets a ride through a privateer (non corporate sponsored team) and competes with his brother for a supercross victory. At this point I actually started to gain a bit of interest in the outcome, but the filmmakers didn’t want to choose between the two brothers and instead have Trip crash while protecting K.C. from an aggressive rider. When K.C. wins the race, his sponsors are furious that he has smeared their good name with a victory. I believe the direct quote from the manager is, “We’re finally being taken seriously and you’re jeopardizing it.” I can understand his point though, because after all, people just wouldn’t respect a team composed of winners.

The acting wasn’t all that horrible, and in fact, Mike Vogel did a pretty good job with the carefree Trip, who was easily the most likable character in the movie. There wasn’t a lot of good material to work with however, as the dialogue was choppy and absurd. I was also disappointed with how little racing is actually done in this movie (which is ostensibly about racing). Each race took up about 10 seconds of film time, so the remainder was filled with “drama.” The brief scenes that actually did feature races were shot well at the beginning and were decent for the final showdown, but unfortunately the filmmakers mistook dirt flying into the camera for good action in the majority of races.

I spent most of my time during Supercross looking at my watch and hoping that the hour and a half would go by as quickly as possible. Despite the brief flashes of meaningful drama and slight character development, this movie overlooked its main purpose and gave little attention to the very sport it was following. It really could have been much better.

Red Eye

2005-08-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

You just gotta love it when a group of professional assassins has to rely on a hotel manager in order to carry out their supposedly ingenious plan.

All plot weaknesses aside, Red Eye was very entertaining and extremely suspenseful toward the end. Wes Craven certainly does know how to direct a thriller, but the conspiracy itself was disappointingly thin. However, the acting and direction were strong enough to pull me into the story and keep me highly interested.

Lisa (Rachel McAdams) is a supremely competent hotel manager who is traveling back home to Miami after her grandmother’s death. She is totally awesome and super, always friendly to everyone, and cool under pressure. Despite the fact that everyone in the audience has seen previews for this movie at least twelve thousand times and therefore already knows that this is not a romantic comedy but a thriller in which Cillian Murphy’s character, Jackson Rippner, is up to no good, the movie still spends a good 45 minutes on the setup. By this I mean that the audience is forced to watch in great detail, the process of going to the airport and boarding a plane. After watching Lisa wait in line to check in, wait in line to board, walk slowly up the aisle to her seat while noticing every single living person already sitting down, and finally watching Jackson help Lisa and another woman put their luggage into the overhead compartment, I began to worry that I was going to have to sit through the stupid safety video as well. It’s not as if flying isn’t already boring enough, so I’m really not sure why Wes Craven felt the need to drag this part of the film out. It does little for plot development aside from fostering some romantic tension between Lisa and Jackson, which then completely evaporates when the guy tells her that, by the way, he’s going to murder her father.

What I did like about the movie was that once the plane finally takes off, the tension is created right away. No sooner have they reached cruising altitude than Lisa is completely freaked out by what Jackson tells her of his purpose on the plane. He specializes in high profile assassinations, and in this case his associates are depending on Lisa in order to gain access to their intended target. One of Jackson’s associates is stationed outside Lisa’s father’s house, with orders to kill him if Lisa does not help them. The task that she must complete in order to save her father’s life is an extremely simple one to do, yet horribly difficult from a moral standpoint. Any decent person faced with the choice that she is given would have trouble doing it, and yet she has very little choice. The character is strong, however, so Lisa’s escalating struggles with her predicament are refreshing and fairly realistic, as Jackson maintains a rather firm grip of control over the situation.

The suspense is built up very well, and I was completely drawn into the story despite its many puzzling aspects. As I left the theater I quickly began to see some of its more glaring problems—the most obvious being that a team of ostensibly highly trained and intelligent killers would be unable to carry out an assassination without threatening a hotel manager with her father’s murder while she sits on a plane 35,000 feet in the air. Nevertheless, this movie was very thrilling, with strong acting that helped distract from the inherent plot weaknesses. I do recommend Red Eye, but it won’t hurt to wait for the DVD.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

2005-08-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

The 40 Year-Old Virgin was definitely a funny movie, if not a bit overlong, with great characters and a surprisingly good story. I was expecting it to be a cheesy SNL-type of movie, but it was unexpectedly mature and clever.

Andy Stitzer (Steve Carell) is a somewhat stereotypical nerd who never quite outgrew the hobbies of his youth. Obviously, as we can tell from the title of the movie, Andy is also still a virgin and has long ago abandoned any attempts to change this fact. He rides his bike to work at a “Circuit City” type store, quietly goes about his job, and comes home to a house filled with action figures, video and computer games, and all other sorts of clichéd interests relegated to the dorkier side of life. His coworkers invite him to play poker with them one night, although not without some degree of trepidation, as they all believe that while Andy is certainly a nice guy, he gives off that socially awkward serial killer vibe as well. They quickly learn that he is not so much a serial killer, but in fact a harmless virgin whose peculiar anti-social demeanor is caused from lack of sex. Obviously. Needless to say, his three newfound friends take it upon themselves to get Andy laid, much to his nervous reluctance.

This movie features a great supporting cast of Andy’s friends, who each smother him with their own dating advice, unique to their particular love life issues. David (Paul Rudd) pines endlessly for his ex-girlfriend, and gives Andy his old porn collection so that he can “learn a thing or two.” Cal (Seth Rogan) is easy-going and attempts to help Andy by giving him advice on how to flirt with women, telling him to ask questions and be kind of a dick. Jay (Romany Malco), meanwhile, has a steady girlfriend but can’t keep himself from straying, so all of his advice centers on how to snag a one-night stand. He insists that Andy “slay the hoodrats first” before pursuing Trish (Catherine Keener), a beautiful single mother whom Andy really likes. Each of these characters provided a sort of brotherly kinship for Andy and a great amount of humor for the audience. There were several one-liners and interactions between them that made me laugh quite a bit during the movie, and I always looked forward most to their scenes.

There were of course the inevitable scenes that were, at least in my opinion, a little cheesy and also completely unnecessary. This movie was clever enough and funny enough that it really didn’t need them, in particular the waxing scene. Maybe I’ve just seen the hair-waxing too many times in movies lately, but I don’t know why anyone would be shocked that forcefully ripping out hair all at once is going hurt. Apparently people are still surprised by it, however, as it continues to be featured in movie after movie. Aside from that, the movie relies on scenes that delve more into Andy’s dorky personality, such as when he practices pick-up lines while grakking (i.e. carefully painting little Warhammer Quest figurines with intricate detail).

This movie is definitely worth the price of admission. Steve Carell portrays Andy perfectly and doesn’t allow his character to shoulder the entire burden of comedy in the movie. The situations in which Andy finds himself are almost always hilarious, and the advice and encouragement from the supporting characters are constantly entertaining. I definitely recommend The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

The Great Raid

2005-08-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

The Great Raid is based on the historical World War II rescue of 511 U.S. prisoners of war held in the Japanese-controlled Cabantuan camp in the Philippines. It is a very character-driven story, almost entirely based on actual people with only a few exceptions. The movie takes place over 5 days in January 1945 and follows three separate groups of people involved with the rescue: the battalion of rangers who plan and execute the rescue mission, the prisoners at the camp, and the small group of Filipino and American civilians who form the underground resistance to the Japanese occupation of the island.

There is not a lot of action in the movie until the fifth and final day, as the story mostly focuses on the days leading up to the actual raid. We see Colonel Mucci (Benjamin Bratt) and Captain Prince (James Franco) plan their approach for the raid, which must be done with as much stealth as possible since the Japanese will kill all of the prisoners if they suspect any military action. Local Filipino guerillas, who are sympathetic to the Americans, lend their assistance to the rangers as the battalion is severely outnumbered by the Japanese military. We are reminded several times that the rangers are well-trained but unproven in the field, going against all the odds to successfully rescue the prisoners. We are also shown the experiences of the prisoners at the camp, who have been held for three years following the brutal Bataan Death March that killed most of their number. The surviving prisoners are led by Major Daniel Gibson (Joseph Fiennes), who tries to keep his men’s spirits high and prevent them from attempting escape from the camp. Gibson is informed by the Japanese commander that he will kill ten prisoners for every one who tries to escape, which provides a great degree of tension as some of the men grow more and more desperate to free themselves from the horrendous camp conditions. The underground Filipino resistance, led by American Margaret Utinsky (Connie Nelson) constantly tries to smuggle food and medicine into the camp while avoiding detection by the Japanese. There were several highly suspenseful scenes involving these characters, as the Japanese eventually begin to discover the identities of the underground members.

The raid itself was very exciting to watch, and since the audience witnesses the actual planning stage of the attack, it was easy to follow what was happening. Nearly 800 Japanese were killed during the raid compared to only two American soldiers and 21 Filipino guerillas, which is in fact historically accurate. Throughout the course of the film, the director (John Dahl) does a good job following the separate groups involved with the raid, so the movie can therefore feature several powerful scenes that depict the more disturbing aspects of war.

I definitely liked The Great Raid, and I recommend it for anyone who enjoys war movies or anything based on historical events. The battle scenes were exceptionally well done, and the close inspection of the characters allowed the audience to become invested in the outcome. This particular rescue mission is considered to be the most successful in American history, and I believe that the movie does it justice. It demonstrates both the significance of the event as well as the importance of the people involved with it, and while it might not resonate quite as strongly as other movies of its kind, I found it to be very worthwhile.

The Aristocrats

2005-08-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

The easily offended should definitely not see this movie, as you would probably pass out from shock within the first five minutes. Let me put it this way, the aim of each comedian who tells this one joke is to make it as raunchy, inappropriate, disgusting, shocking, and offensive as he/she possibly can using rather imaginative visual imagery. The movie is funny, as is the joke despite its inappropriateness, because it features comedians doing what they do best—telling stories and joking around.

The Aristocrats is a century-old joke that has heretofore only been shared privately among comics. It has never been performed in public and has served as a secret handshake of sorts between professional comedians. The joke has a basic framework, and each comedian puts his or her own personal spin to it. The only similarity between one comedian’s version and another’s is the opening sentence and the two-word punch line at the end—well, that and the fact that each comedian tells it in the most disturbing way possible. As it has historically been kept within the confines of professionals, you can imagine how far they must go in order to impress or top each other with each telling. Seriously, there were some descriptions in this movie that I had never before heard or even imagined could possibly exist—these guys get extremely creative. The format of the movie itself is simple: professional comedians are separately interviewed about their take on the joke, the first time they heard it, and what it means to them. Almost all of them agree that the joke itself really isn’t that funny, and some of them actually hate it. But what makes both the joke and the movie funny are the personalities of all the different comedians.

You won’t find any “memorable quotes” from this film on IMDB and for good reason. Most of the time the joke starts out innocently enough but quickly progresses into the truly pornographic and disturbed. It was hard to pick a favorite telling, as it would be akin to choosing a favorite comedian, but I was shocked when I actually laughed—hard—at a mime routine of the joke. It’s definitely the first time I’ve ever thought mime was funny, but I also laughed at the card trick version, the juggling version, and even a great rendition from a ventriloquist and his foul-mouthed dummy. There was an especially good animated South Park version of the joke, and Kevin Pollack did a hilarious dead-on impersonation of Christopher Walken telling The Aristocrats. The editorial staff at The Onion is featured trying to come up with the dirtiest and most offensive elements of the joke that they can create, and Bob Saget (the dad from Full House) is briefly featured telling perhaps the most shocking variation in the entire movie with a helpful public service type announcement mid-way through.

I thought the movie was very funny, albeit highly disturbing, and it does indeed feature the same joke told over and over; however, I was amazed at the filmmakers’ ability to prevent the movie from dragging or becoming repetitive. Comedians specialize in making people laugh through casual dialogue and storytelling, which is the entire focus of this movie. The Aristocrats, both the film and the joke itself, are only as funny as the comedians themselves, and when the very best get together in the same documentary, you can bet that it will be entertaining. And apparently extremely dirty.

The Skeleton Key

2005-08-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

Personally, this movie fell more into the four star category for me, because it featured a good story, great acting, suspenseful and frightening scenes, and an interesting twist ending that I did not expect. However, realizing that I sometimes don’t see twists that others work out within the first five minutes, and fully aware of the fact that I am a willingly jumpy viewer, I’m placing Skeleton Key in the three star range for most people. A good movie to be sure, and even more so if one is predisposed to the idea.

Caroline (Kate Hudson) is a hospice care worker in New Orleans, who, seeking to make a real difference in someone’s life, takes a job caring for Ben (John Hurt), a man who recently suffered a debilitating stroke that left him completely paralyzed and unable to speak. Ben and his wife, Violet (Gena Rowlands), live in a somewhat run-down antebellum mansion, which is isolated in the midst of the Louisiana bayou about an hour from New Orleans. The house is predictably creepy in the way that an old mansion with too many rooms for just two people would tend to be, yet it retains its southern grandeur. Ben is completely unable to speak, and yet at every opportunity he seems to convey to Caroline with his alert and ever-moving eyes that he desperately needs her help. As Caroline snoops around the old house in that typically maddening horror movie fashion, she discovers a hidden room in the attic that is overflowing with voodoo-esque items. Growing more and more suspicious of Violet’s dubious intentions toward her husband, Caroline consults with her southern-raised friend, Jill, who tells her about hoodoo American folk magic, which is supposedly harmless as long as one does not believe it. Jill warns Caroline that even though she doesn’t believe in hoodoo magic, she shouldn’t mess around with it—Jersey-girl Caroline of course does not heed Jill’s warnings and instead continues to investigate things with escalating danger.

Each step in Skeleton Key’s progression is deliberate and systematically heightens the sense of foreboding and suspense. What I really liked about the movie was that it played upon the audience’s existing fear of magical voodoo practices and beliefs, with frightening imagery and a sense of the unknown. The southern culture played heavily as well, as it becomes more and more apparent that Caroline is simply a northerner who has stumbled upon something she cannot understand. I guess they just don’t practice much voodoo/hoodoo in New Jersey. Whereas all of the previous southern-raised care workers quit the job before becoming entrenched in the situation, Caroline continues to investigate, not having the cultural instinct to tell her that she is in danger. She insists to herself that hoodoo is simply the power of suggestion, a psychosomatic symptom that can be cured with a scientific approach. The audience hopes as Caroline does, that she can rescue herself from the situation using this approach, but it increasingly becomes clear that she has dismissed forces that actually do have the potential to harm her.

As I said, I thought this movie was frightening and suspenseful, and I liked the unexpected twist at the end. The concept of the story is creepy, and it appeals to both those who are superstitious and those who are not. It had the usual startling moments that one would expect from a horror movie, but what left me with a lingering sense of unease was the very idea behind the movie itself. If you enjoy supernatural and suspenseful movies then I definitely recommend Skeleton Key.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

2005-08-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t think that anyone who has a desire to see this movie needs to read a review of it beforehand, and likewise, anyone who is opting to skip it probably already has a good idea of what I’m going to say. Nevertheless, I already spent the $10, so I might as well say what everyone already knows: save your money and see something else.

Rob Schneider returns as Deuce Bigalow, whose former pimp, T.J. (Eddie Griffin), has called him up and asked Deuce to come visit him in Amsterdam. Deuce’s visit coincides with a serial killer’s commencement of murdering the male gigolos of Europe, and wouldn’t ya know it, but ol’ T.J. gets into a rather compromising situation that leads police detectives to pinpoint him as the gigolo killer. Deuce therefore resumes his old gigolo ways in order to draw out the real killer and clear TJ’s name. There is a new assortment of strange dates lined up for Deuce: a hunchbacked woman, a woman with big ears, a woman who is covered in dirt (?), another giant woman (though not quite as giant as the one in the first movie), a woman who had a tracheotomy and squirts wine out through her throat, and of course the routine woman with a penis on her face instead of a nose. As in the first movie, Deuce politely dates these women, while making them feel comfortable with their particular abnormality and showing them that beauty comes from the inside or something.

Much of the humor in Deuce Bigalow revolved around variations of “prostidude,” “she-john,” “he-bitch,” etc, although I stopped writing them down when it became apparent that the filmmakers (i.e. Rob Schneider who wrote this movie) were going to say “male prostitute” in as many different forms as they could conceivably come up with. Great. The rest of the comedy came from mocking Amsterdam for having legalized drugs and prostitution, Canadian tourists for pooping on the streets (?), a variety of gay jokes, racial jokes, and several jokes concerning Asian girth. Considering that these parodies were repeated several times throughout the movie, I can only conclude that Schneider felt that his audience must be so idiotic as to have missed most of them the first and second times, therefore necessitating these constant reiterations of the same stupid jokes.

Admittedly, T.J. is still a very funny character, and the movie does have a few genuine laughs in it. There’s also a very likable Asian gigolo who has several funny “yo’ momma” lines despite his being designated as the object of juvenile girth jokes—again, ten thousand separate times in case anyone missed it. There were also some amusing one-liners that capitalized on the current anti-U.S. sentiment, but all of these instances were overshadowed by scenes of utter absurdity—like Deuce having to wear a diaper for one of his clients.

Seriously, what goes through Schneider’s mind when he’s coming up with this stuff? What possible line of thinking could reasonably lead to having Deuce date a woman with a penis on her face? Because it just makes sense I guess. Look, don’t get me wrong, sometimes crude humor can be really entertaining (e.g. Dumb and Dumber or the first Deuce Bigalow movie), and I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve laughed heartily at these types of movies. But I think I outgrew this particular film when I was 10 years old. Unfortunately, Deuce Bigalow wouldn’t be appropriate for any 10-year-old, so I’m really not sure to what audience this movie is supposed to appeal, but I pray that there aren’t that many people out there who would fall into the proper category.

Four Brothers

2005-08-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

The first thing I have to say about Four Brothers is that it is extremely, heavily violent and in no way pulls its punches. It paints a rather disturbing picture of Detroit, and I hope that this culture of near mayhem was merely exaggerated in the film and not actually reflective of reality. However, I will say this about the level of violence—it was absolutely necessary in order to demonstrate the force of the brothers’ anger in a tangible way.

As we know from the previews, Evelyn Mercer (Fionnula Flanagan) is a sweet, matronly woman who provides a temporary home for children prior to their adoptions. She’s a veritable saint in the neighborhood as she is able to miraculously turn these children’s lives around through tough love and unrelenting empathy. We see her ability to reach tough kids in the opening scene as she chastises a little boy for attempting to steal candy from a convenience store. He realizes that crime doesn’t pay and is off to change the world after her life-changing lesson in morality, etc... Unfortunately, she is murdered soon thereafter, and four boys that she had adopted after no one else would take them in, return home for her funeral. All four are described as being lost causes but for the fact that Evelyn Mercer turned their lives around (for the most part anyway). Police Lieutenant Green (Terrence Howard) tells his partner that these guys are saints compared to what they would have been without Evelyn’s guiding hand. The brothers are self-described as being “straightish,” meaning that they’re not necessarily bad people, but they don’t always play within the confines of the law.

Apparently, the four Mercer brothers are also much less forgiving than their adoptive mother. They quickly set out to discover who killed Evelyn, not caring as much why she was killed as they are concerned with vengeance. They figure out the “why” only as a consequence of finding out who was responsible and at whom they should therefore aim their multitude of guns. Bobby Mercer (Mark Wahlberg) is the oldest and natural leader of the group, and he is also the smartest and toughest. He shows a great amount of affection for his adoptive brothers through a large amount of sarcastic, brotherly razzing. This aspect of the film was perhaps my favorite, as there were constant humorous exchanges between the brothers. Since their interaction was the strongest indicator of their family allegiance, the audience is able understand and sympathize with their need for vengeance.

Bobby leads his brothers through what turns out to be an admittedly weak conspiracy, but the process itself is interesting to follow and the characters were likable enough for me to want them to get their vengeance. Everyone in Detroit seems to carry a gun in this film, and Bobby is frequently forced to resort to intimidation and violence in order to gather information. They do what the have to do, however, and unapologetically work their way toward the top of the conspiracy. There were moments when I was surprised by their violence, and the director (John Singleton) definitely didn’t pull any punches in telling this story.

I enjoyed this movie for its characters and its dialogue—the conspiracy itself left something to be desired, but the process of discovery was entertaining enough to keep my attention. I’m not sure the movie intends to leave the audience with any message or reality to think about, but like its characters, the film is not apologetic for its purpose.