Hoosier Revue

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

2007-06-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has read a few of my reviews knows that I can put up with a lot of nonsense in movies. I don't mind over-reliance on CGI, confusing plots, surprise twists, or even movies claiming to be 2+ hours that actually seem more like 6. But if there's one thing that I cannot stand, it is the opening of a seemingly interesting plot line that is subsequently never resolved or even addressed again. In Pirates 3, I swear to god, there are easily three or four interesting twists introduced, none of which go anywhere at all.

It's wasn't so bad though--there were some great piratey action scenes, the special effects were really well done, and the plot itself, while somewhat convoluted at times, was all in all intriguing. Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow was as amusing as ever, Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Swann was still hot, as well as suddenly and inexplicably a badass with a sword, and Orlando Bloom as Will Turner remained as boring as ever.

The cast of characters includes pretty much everyone from the first two movies, as well as a few new faces--so needless to say there are about a squillion people to keep track of. Elizabeth, Will, the resurrected Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), and many, many others set off to rescue Jack from Davy Jones' locker (i.e. purgatory of some sort) after he was eaten by the Kraken in the 2nd film. Afterward they must join together with all the pirate lords in order to make a final stand against the evil Dutch East India Trading Company which has been evilly using Davy Jones and his vessel, The Flying Dutchman, to evilly rid the seas of all pirates. Everyone cheers for the pirates to win so that the seas can once again become...well not really safe for anyone being that pirates are not so much lighthearted and funny but rather more interested in pillaging, plundering, and killing off their victims. So...thanks for that, Disney.

Anyone who enjoyed the first two movies will probably like this one as well, as it is fairly consistent in terms of style and imagination to its predecessors. However it is certainly not without its faults, and like Pirates 2 I think a good half hour of some rather dull and pointless scenes could easily have been trimmed off. The first Pirates movie is still far and away better than its sequels, but if you have a spare 6 hours and free popcorn refills, then it's not a horrible way to spend an afternoon.

Movies en France

2007-05-31T19:06:00.001-07:00

Clearly the key to seeing movies in France is seeing them "version originale," as in watching them in English--because trust me, there is nothing worse than hearing "Je m'appelle Bond, James Bond." I love France and all, but a part of me died that day, so I'm anxious to get home and watch something horrifically American like Alien vs Predator or something along those lines. Anyway, while I did see Spiderman 3 (or "speedermahn twahh" as I now think of it) and various other movies, my husband and I have been keeping a non-movies related blog about our half-year here in France if anyone is interested: http://seevooplay.blogspot.com

I just watched Zodiac yesterday (in English so I could actually follow the story), so I'm thinking of posting a review--but honestly, only the non-crappy American movies make it out here, so I have a feeling that the review won't be quite so interesting to read (blah blah blah it's really great). I should really think about changing Hoosier Review to be "I watch crappy movies so you don't have to," even if it means watching "Little Man" and "In the Mix." Isn't it awesome that I don't even know what the crappy movies being released in the US right now are?

HoosierRevue is moving to France

2007-01-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I think it's pretty obvious by now that HoosierRevue is going to have to change. I can't write reviews for every movie, but I can't quite give it up entirely. So, with my upcoming move to France, I'm going to give HoosierRevue the facelift that it so desperately needs. I'm still going to review movies--just not all of the movies as I had been doing at first. Although I'll be seeing everything "en francais" for the next six months, they still get the same movies in France that we get in the States, so I won't be reviewing any nonsense that no one else is going to see. This way when I come back from France and start law school, I'll still be able to do what I've always wanted to do, which is watch movies and write about them.

And sorry for all the delay. I kept thinking that I had to get back into HoosierRevue in full force or not at all. And since I couldn't do full force...well it became not at all for a while. Obviously.

Lady in the Water

2006-08-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

I realize this will be a rather controversial opinion of M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water, but I have to say that I really liked this movie. It's basically the same deal as his other films in terms of speed, dialogue, and visual style, yet much less dependent on the surprise twist(s) at the end. And although I happen to enjoy twists quite a bit, what I most liked about this particular M. Night Shyamalan movie was its creativity. It's pure fantasy--not taken from a book or a remake of an earlier film from the 50's, not based on a comic book or a cartoon or tv show, but a completely original story. It's like the endangered species of movies...unless you count indie films I guess. But those are just weird.

I mean if you hate the fantasy stuff then don't bother, you'll just hate this movie. It's pretty much that simple.

So Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti), the building superintendent for The Cove apartment complex, discovers a beautiful naked woman swimming in the pool late one evening. He is strangely annoyed by this turn of events and angrily demands that she vacate the pool immediately...perhaps more clever than I thought actually, especially considering that instead of giving her a robe of some sort, he merely gives her one of his button-down shirts to wear for the remainder of the movie. No pants, no shorts. Just the shirt.

The mysterious naked chick turns out to be a narf, "artfully" named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), who has to see some guy or something before she can return to her world, the Blue World. It wouldn't be much of a story if there wasn't some monstrous creature determined to rip her to shreds, however, so in order to get back to her world safely she must elude the ever-present and vigilant scrunts who lay in wait for her. Eventually Cleveland learns of the mythology that explains Story's existence and ultimate goal, but in order to protect her from the fearsome beasts/scrunts, he has to decipher the true meaning behind the story itself and find the specific tenants at The Cove who possess crucial hidden powers.

One gets the definite feeling that Shyamalan loves stories that come together through a destiny foretold in small subtle clues throughout the film. And I'm not complaining, because it's nice to indulge in the fantasy world once in a while. It's true that the story is admittedly a little silly when you think about it, but what made it interesting was the gradual release of information spread evenly throughout the movie. It kept my curiosity going and allowed me ease into the whole narf/scrunt/blue world thing. I mean this is, after all, a story that Shyamalan told to his children at bedtime, so it has the innocence of a childhood fairytale mixed with a few frightening scenes and a storyline that ties together well at the end.

Again, though, it's all fantasy and mystery with a little bit of thriller mixed in, so you have to be into that kind of thinking before you'll enjoy a movie like this. I happened to like it quite a bit, so although almost every critic in America vigorously disagrees with me on this issue, I am going to recommend the movie to those who like mysteries that let their imaginations run wild. And yes, it's still somewhat of a silly movie.

The Omen

2006-06-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

I usually go into these demon/ghost/monster thriller movies fully prepared to be disappointed at the lack of full-on terror and creepiness. Thankfully The Omen, while not the scariest movie I've ever seen, definitely delivered on creep factor and tension, as well as the occasional "fling-your-candy-across-the-room-in-shock" moments. For a remake in particular, it's pretty good.

The story opens in the Vatican, where the clergy are momentarily diverted from condemning "The Da Vinci Code" by the sudden appearance of a comet over Rome. Surely this astronomical phenomenon can best be explained as being caused by the birth of Satan incarnate, so the bishops convene for a power point presentation on the apocalypse and discuss what is to be done about this unsettling turn of events--which is apparently nothing at all. No seriously, Satan has literally begun his attack on the world, but the Vatican cannot be bothered with such trivialities as sending a few reinforcements out to investigate and lend a helping hand--there are still blasphemous books to attend to.

Elsewhere in Rome, the spawn of Satan has indeed been born, coincidentally on the same night as a U.S. Ambassador's son. Unfortunately for the Ambassador, Robert Thorn (Live Schreiber), his son supposedly did not survive the complications during birth, so the hospital staff decides that the best option would be to convince Thorn to instead swap for Damien (aka the spawn of Satan). I don't blame them, really. I would try to pawn that thing off on the first person I could find too. So they do.

Apparently everything goes well for a few years until Damien reaches age 6 or so, at which time he decides it's about time he got on with destroying mankind. Somehow the Thorns have not seen any horror movies because they completely miss the fact that their kid is quite obviously evil as all get out. I mean take one look at the kid's eyes, the fact that he never speaks, breaks into cold sweats around churches, and oh yeah, can telepathically command dogs to rip people's throats out if anyone comes near him. Seriously, way to have your kid baptized, people. The fate of the world now hangs in the balance and all you really had to do was splash some holy water on the little urchin and save everyone the trouble.

Meanwhile, some crazy random priest shows up to warn Thorn that Damien will destroy the world, and then strongly encourages Thorn to kill his son as a sort of, I don't know, preemptive strike or something. Thorn is strangely reluctant to stab his own son to death, however. You know, if you're going to tell some guy to kill his child, I would venture to say that the best approach would not be to simply blurt out that the kid is the spawn of Satan and that his real mother was a jackal. I'd probably try to ease into that subject a little bit. Maybe sandwich the destruction of the world part with a compliment or two to keep the guy from getting defensive.

I thought this movie was pretty good overall and definitely scary, although it didn't have anything that will necessarily creep me out for several weeks. Thankfully it doesn't completely depend on constantly startling the audience in order to be frightening, as the basic premise of the movie itself seems to be enough to accomplish that. There are plenty of disturbing images and enough tension to freak someone out for a few hours, which is fairly satisfying for a thriller. Worth a look if you're in the mood for something scary.

V for Vendetta

2006-03-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

After hearing so much negative buzz about this movie for its supposed glorification of terrorism, I must admit to being slightly bewildered by this attitude toward the film now that I have seen it for myself. I don't recall that the hero of the movie, V (Hugo Weaving), ever targets civilians, and furthermore he fights against a ruthless Nazi-like dictatorship set in the future. The viewer does not want the citizens of this future England to remain enslaved to their government, so V is an exceptionally easy character for whom to root in his struggle to restore freedom throughout the galaxy... or just England for the time being. This was easily one of the best movies I have seen in a while, with its amazing but understated special effects, consistently engaging plot, wonderful acting on all counts, and exceptionally well-written dialogue. While the movie was just over 2 hours long, I was keenly interested in everything that happened for literally every second, which honestly, is really quite rare. There were no stretches of drawn-out dialogue, overextended fight scenes, or elongated musical montages to fill up time. And I still can't think of any huge plot holes.

Evey (Natalie Portman), lives in a dismal future, wherein wars and plagues have killed millions of people worldwide, causing the total collapse of the United States and plunging England into a society that is entirely dominated and controlled by its government. Where the citizens once lived in fear for their lives over a widespread and devastating plague, they now live in fear of their government, which censors everything and seeks to control every aspect of their lives. Evey works for British Telecasting Company (formerly the BBC I assume), and as she is out late one night past curfew, she is attacked and nearly raped by a gang of civilian police. Shockingly, at the last possible second, the masked V shows up and saves her, putting on an impressive display of non-lethal combat. After speaking nonsensically for a minute or two and then having to assure Evey that he is not, in fact, a crazy person, he takes her up to a rooftop where she can watch him blow up an empty government landmark.

While Chancellor Sutler tries to spin the explosion into a "planned emergency demolition," V sets out on a campaign to fire the people up so that they will throw off their repressive government and take back the freedoms they had willingly given up out of fear. V promises that in one year, on the 5th of November, he will blow up the Parliament building, and asks his fellow countrymen to join him outside for the event. During the course of the year, V seeks vengeance upon certain government officials who had tormented him years earlier, while Chief Inspector Finch (Stephen Rea) attempts to unmask the villain/hero before he can deliver on his destructive promise.

What I liked about this movie was that it conveyed a lot of idealistic thoughts on freedom over oppression, as well as the basic comic book fight between good vs evil. Despite a rather awkward introduction to V at the beginning, and once I managed to get over the fact that the mask's lips don't move when V talks, I found his character to be almost ridiculously intriguing. We learn that he has a horrible disfigurement which motivates him to hide behind the Guy Fawkes mask, as well as a haunted past that ultimately drives him to fight against the evils in the world, both tangible and intangible. The acting was simply incredible in this film, and it's amazing the difference between Natalie Portman as Evey and Natalie Portman as Padme/Amidala in Star Wars. The effects were also quite nifty, but not overdone or constantly made to be the entire focus of a scene, which in effect gave the movie a much more realistic feel to it despite some unrealistic acrobatics here and there. There's also a great display of some hilarious British comedy that drastically lightened the mood but also served as a poignant example of the government's stifling oppression.

V for Vendetta was still a fairly dark film, and there are elements of the plot that are shockingly disturbing, one of which is the question of how long it must have taken the filmmakers to set up an elaborate domino design without accidentally knocking them over before it was completed. But aside from that, it's an incredibly interesting story that was beautifully executed. I can't recommend this movie enough, especially for comic book fans, but also for anyone who enjoys deep and elaborate action movies with real meaning behind them. It was exciting and interesting during every second, and you can bet that I'll be in theaters to watch it again this weekend.

Failure to Launch

2006-03-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

This movie was much less formulaic than I had anticipated, with unexpected spurts of slapstick and wonderfully entertaining supporting characters. The plot itself, while admittedly implausible, was still refreshingly new if nothing else, which made this movie both surprising and funny. I definitely recommend it for a date movie or all girls excursion.

Tripp (Matthew McConaughey) is 35 years old, has a stable job that he enjoys, and an exceptionally easy time picking up women. He also has the perfect mechanism by which to dump said women without actually having to do the dumping--anytime a woman starts to get too serious about him, he takes her home to his place whereupon she is horrified to discover that he still lives with his parents. Apparently he is not alone in his parental dependence, however, as his two best friends, Demo (Bradley Cooper) and Ace (Justin Bartha) also live with their parents but for very different and completely understandable reasons. Tripp's parents have finally decided that they would rather have their house to themselves and enjoy their retirement, so they hire Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker) to make Tripp fall in love with her, thus boosting his confidence and motivating him to move out of the house...whereupon Paula will pulverize his heart and newly-formed confidence by promptly breaking up with him. Haha! But, you know, his parents will have him out of the house so there is a silver lining to this cloud. Anyway, Paula realizes immediately that Tripp is not her normal client. He's not a computer geek, isn't obsessed with Star Wars, enjoys a myriad of athletic outdoor activities, and is of course a total babe. Rather than bother with attempting to find out why this seemingly confident and well-adjusted man is unable to move out of his parents' house, Paula simply goes through the normal routine: have a memorable first meeting, pretend to enjoy activities that he likes, have him comfort her through an emotional crisis, and let him teach her something. Apparently after a client has completed all of these steps, he is not only in love with Paula but is ready to move out of his parents' house. And since Tripp seems to be cruising through all the steps much too easily for the program to be working, Paula attempts to get to know this complicated guy a little better. No, she doesn't do that. She rubber stamps him through all the steps and then is confused when the results are not what she expected.

As I said, the plot itself is just a tad implausible, but regardless it was still fun to watch. More than anything else, the supporting characters made this movie funny. There were several "when animals attack" subplots that were completely unexpected and made me laugh out loud just for the silliness of it all, and both Tripp's friends and Paula's roommate, Kit (Zooey Deschanel) were consistently hysterical--mostly because they were exaggerated, but again, unexpectedly so.

I really enjoyed this movie because it was refreshingly original and didn't take itself seriously in the least. The entire tone of the movie was carefree and lighthearted, and I had fun watching it. While it's not the funniest romantic comedy I have ever seen, it is one of the better ones that have come out lately. Funny, cute, worth the money.

16 Blocks

2006-03-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

While 16 Blocks kind of drags in some parts, and then ended about 20 minutes after I was ready for it to wrap up, overall the movie was fairly decent. Still, as it was really nothing special, it's definitely a DVDer.

Detective Jack Mosley (Bruce Willis) is an run-down old cop who is long past the point of caring about anything but his next drink, making him precisely the kind of redeemable character that everyone wants to root for. Before he can learn a valuable lesson about how wonderful life can be, however, he must first transport Eddy Bunker (Mos Def), a small-time thief, something like 16 (or so) blocks to the courthouse for a grand jury hearing. This menial task turns a bit more challenging when two gunmen attempt to shoot Eddy during transport, forcing Mosley to forgo his next drink in favor of saving Eddy's life. When Mosley calls his former partner, Frank Nugent (David Morse), in for backup, he is horrified to discover that Frank is less interested in helping Mosley safely deliver Eddy to the courthouse for his testimony, and instead much more excited about shooting Eddy in the head. This falling rather firmly into the "bad" category of possible courses of action, Mosley decides that he'd rather shoot one of the cops in the knee and escape with Eddy. Frank simply can't allow Eddy to testify at this hearing lest he and 6 other cops lose their jobs in disgrace, so he and his gang of corrupt cops set out after Mosley to stop him before he gets those 15-17 blocks to the courthouse. The rest of the movie consists of a series of run-ins and close escapes, while Mosley tries to protect his extremely talkative witness and maybe even learn to love life again through an unlikely friendship.

The decision making skills in this movie are quite questionable, inasmuch as whenever Mosley is presented with two possible courses of action, one being logical and likely to succeed, the other being extremely irrational and fraught with danger, he always goes for the crazy option. The same is true for the gang of corrupt cops; it's imperative that they kill Eddy simply because he is an eyewitness to their wrongdoing, but apparently the hundreds of bystanders who witness the cops trying to murder Mosley and Eddy are somehow less of a problem. Personally I don't think that anyone needed to testify that Frank was a bad guy--it was obvious from the start because he was chewing gum the whole time. Bad cops in particular always chew gum.

As I said, this was a decent movie. The action scenes were fairly entertaining, but probably would have been a lot more fun to watch if they weren't separated by such long stretches of boring dialogue and predictable character development. The acting was good, the dialogue was decent if not a little dull at times, and the action was fine. All in all it was the epitome of an average movie--worth a rent but I doubt a case could be made for one to see it in theaters.

Ultraviolet

2006-03-07T22:21:00.000-08:00

Much to my disappointment there were very few things about this movie that were actually good. There were some really awesome looking sci-fi effects which were used over and over and over again until they completely lost their novelty, some other effects that were sadly underused, and then great costume design and well choreographed fight scenes. Now normally, even with a bit of bad dialogue, this would still be sufficient material for the makings of a decently entertaining sci-fi/comic booky/fantasy/action flick. But, unfortunately, Ultraviolet simply tanked.

Violet (Milla Jovovich) is part of a group of people who have been infected with some genetically engineered virus, which, created by the military, was intended to produce superhuman soldiers. The hemophage virus was accidentally released into the general population, however, and as is the case with so many epidemics, the government decided to simply isolate and summarily execute all those infected rather than spend time and money on finding a cure. Those hemophages, as they are called, who escaped went into hiding and eventually formed a resistance in order to avoid being exterminated. Oh and apparently the virus made hemophages into vampires or something, which made very little sense since they grew fangs but didn't drink blood, and seemed to only have a slight sensitivity to light or god knows what. Since the plot wasn't forthcoming with any explanations of any kind whatsoever, I had to assume that this growth of vampire fangs was just another random symptom that the government engineered solely to make their supersoldiers look fierce.

Violet is sent to intercept a new weapon that Vice Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus (Nick Chinlund) has developed in order to completely wipe out all the remaining hemophages at once, but upon opening the super secret weapon case, she discovers that this dangerous new threat is merely a small boy named Six who refuses to speak. The silent treatment: deadly. As with all children though, he can't maintain his silence for long, and he tells Violet that he was created in a laboratory with antigens in his blood that, if released into the atmosphere, would instantly kill any hemophage. The mean hemophage leader wants to kill the boy so that his blood can't, um, kill all of them, but Violet insists that murdering children is wrong. Mean Hemophage Leader asks for a show of hands of those who have a problem with killing kids, and when it seems that Violet is all alone in her righteousness, she has to go ahead and kick everyone's ass yet again and escape with the boy.

After a ridiculously dull and uncreative government conspiracy is revealed, Violet has some more cringe-inducing lines of dialogue delivered with about as much enthusiasm as Ben Stein, before ending with a few anticlimactic showdowns. I can't stress enough how disappointed I was in this movie. I mean it really doesn't take much for me to like a sci-fi film--I don't care if there's some bad dialogue, questionable acting, unrealistic stunts, or confusing plots; just show me some great effects and good choreography along with a plot that isn't completely uninspiring, and there's a great chance that I'll walk away feeling pleased. But this was too much. On top of the dispirited acting and insufferable dialogue, the plot was so boring and stupid that I couldn't get into this movie at all, and I couldn't have cared less about the characters or the outcome.

I would rent Ultraviolet on DVD just to see some of the special effects, but don't waste too much money on this one.

Date Movie

2006-03-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

This movie was quite a bit of fun, with the expected amount of spoofs, immature yet funny slapstick, and a variety of other unsophisticated yet still quite entertaining jokes. I doubt there are any surprises here, but for those who like silly, ridiculous comedies then this one will not disappoint.

Julia Jones (Alyson Hannigan), an amalgam of Bridget Jones and Toula Portokalos from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, is single, overweight, and extremely lonely. Her father, Frank (Eddie Griffin), employs her at the family's restaurant and constantly attempts to set her up with the undesirable yet culturally compatible handyman Nicky. Julia resists, however, and instead hires Hitch (Tony Cox) to make her hot and fix up her love life, which he does by entering her in The Extreme Bachelor where she meets Grant Funkyerdoder (Adam Campbell). After several mini spoofs, the two decide to get married, and the movie moves into full-on Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers mockery, which works surprisingly well. Grant introduces Julia to his best friend, Andy (Sophie Monk), who turns out to be a gorgeous but conniving seductress, and she does her very best to break up the wedding.

As with the Scary Movie films, there were a squillion references to countless different date movies, and most were pretty hilarious. I was impressed with the screenwriters' ability to make a comedy about other comedies, and most of their spoofs were just about dead on. The bulk of the movie centers around a Meet the Fockers and My Best Friend's Wedding storyline, but there were always plenty of references to other movies scattered throughout. Jennifer Coolidge does a ridiculously funny impersonation of Barbra Streisand, and even though every single preview for this movie focused on the cat using the bathroom spoof from Meet the Parents, I still found that scene to be particularly entertaining. Normally I'm not one for the poop jokes, but I suppose if one insists on including them in a movie, this would be the way to go about it. Eddie Griffin was absolutely in his element in this film, and he seemed like he was having an awfully good time with his role. Personally I thought he was one of the funniest characters in the entire movie.

Alyson Hannigan has always been adept in comedic roles, and this one was no exception. Tony Cox was a very worthy co-star, however, and at one point he did an imitation of Brad Pitt (and later of Matthew McConaughey) that was so perfect that I couldn't concentrate on the movie anymore for laughing so hard. There were certainly some moments that I thought were a little lamer than others, but on the whole I was happy with what I saw.

This is obviously a type of humor for a very specific audience, one that can stand a lot of immaturity and silliness, but that also enjoys a good pop culture satire. I laughed shamelessly throughout most of it, and I definitely recommend it as a movie to rent when you just want to hang out at home with some friends. It's impossible to take seriously, so it's perfect for those times when you just want a good laugh.

The Pink Panther

2006-02-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing "Steve Martin is no Peter Sellers" this, and "it just doesn't come close to the original version" that, so perhaps my enjoyment of this movie is only because I had nothing with which to compare it. I suppose my best advice, in that case, would be not to see this movie if one is strongly attached to Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. As for me, having walked into the theater expecting yet another overly drawn-out "Saturday Night Live skit" type movie, I was extremely surprised to find that The Pink Panther, while not continuously hilarious, was definitely still funny. And most of that was due solely to Steve Martin himself.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Kevin Kline) has finally been presented with a case that could catapult him to national fame and glory--the high-profile murder of France's beloved soccer coach, Yves Gluant (Jason Statham). Adding to the mystery of the soccer coach's murder is the missing Pink Panther diamond, presumably stolen from Yves as he died. Dreyfus decides to place the most incompetent detective in France in charge of the investigation, so that after months of botched police work he can swoop in at just the right moment and solve the case himself, thereby winning a medal of honor and a seat in the French National Assembly. Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Steve Martin) is therefore promoted and given charge of the case, along with Detective Ponton (Jean Reno), who is to secretly report back to Dreyfus on all of Clouseau's activities. If Dreyfus had ever watched even one single episode of Columbo, then he would know better than to underestimate a seemingly clueless detective; however, this not being the case, Clouseau is left to stumble aimlessly around Paris searching for the killer and the stolen diamond. While Clouseau may be completely hopeless, he is nevertheless pure of heart, and makes an earnest if not bewildered attempt at an investigation. With the competent and well-trained Ponton at his side, Clouseau spends the entire movie conducting ridiculously unhelpful interrogations and becoming involved in several blundering mishaps. Yet somehow, he seems to be on the right track, much to the irritation of Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Most of this movie is just silly, but not quite to the "roll your eyes" extent. The comedy comes entirely from Clouseau himself, in his seemingly idiotic actions and the other characters' reactions to him. He's a lovable doofus, yet completely unaware of this fact, so he proceeds with full confidence into foolish conversations and situations. It is impossible for anyone, characters and audience alike, to take him the least bit seriously, especially with his ludicrous French accent and naive foolishness. With an abundance of funny one-liners and silly (yet still comical) slapstick routines, the movie was for the most part quite entertaining. I was honestly shocked that a movie centering around an absurd and over-the-top character such as Inspector Clouseau didn't have to be completely nauseating or obscenely juvenile, and I was impressed with Steve Martin's ability to make the character so likable and even pleasant to watch.

This film was quite fun, so I suggest that if you miss it in theaters that you make sure to rent it on DVD. Again, I have no idea how this version compares to the original, but in all honesty, I don't really care. This film, on its own, was simply good. And nothing against Peter Sellers or anything, but come on--we're talking about The Pink Panther, not a James Bond movie, and if Sean Connery can be replaced with Pierce Brosnan, then I think Steve Martin can take over a lesser-known or iconic role from 40 frackin years ago. But, like I said, I wasn't even born when the originals came out, so maybe I just don't get it. All I know is, this movie was funny, and I just plain loved Steve Martin's Clouseau.

Nanny McPhee

2006-02-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

Nanny McPhee is a fantastic movie for children, which probably won't teach them to behave better, but will definitely entertain them for a few hours.

Recently widowed Cedric Brown (Colin Firth) has seven extremely clever yet horridly behaved children, who expend great amounts of effort in order to run off every nanny whom he hires to care for them. He has no time to spend with them either, as he is deeply in debt and in danger of losing the house and being thrown into debtors' prison--somehow this is due to his wife having recently died although it's completely unclear as to why that should cause him to be suddenly poor. Nevertheless, he must work all day and night, and to make matters worse, he can't seem to find a nanny who can withstand his children's antics. Fortunately, a magical and shockingly ugly version of Marry Poppins shows up one evening, along with the requisite thunder and lightening of course, and promises to teach the children how to behave. This Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson) is a startling person indeed, certainly enough so that I would have behaved instantly at the mere sight of her. But the Brown kids are made of braver stuff, and they see her as merely another opportunity for endless pranks intended to drive her off. Nanny McPhee, however, is intent on forcing the children to behave and display proper manners under threat of magic. It's so simple really--do as Nanny McPhee says, or she'll turn you into a newt, or something similarly unpleasant.

Meanwhile, Great Aunt Adelaide (Angela Lansbury) insists that the ill-behaved children need a woman's influence, so she informs Cedric that she will cut off his inheritance unless he marries someone by the end of the month. The reasoning, apparently, being that it is better for the children to be split up and put into workhouses rather than left to stay at home with their loving yet poor father. As the children begin to learn simple, basic manners under Nanny McPhee's magical teachings, Cedric searches in desperation for a woman whom he can marry. It is glaringly obvious within the first five minutes to literally every single person in the theater that he will eventually marry the beautiful, sweet, scullery maid Evangeline (Kelly Macdonald,) once he learns to look past her social status.

There are, of course, the various slapstick pranks and tricks that the children plan and execute throughout the movie, as they initially resist Nanny McPhee and her infernal magic walking stick. Other challenges arise with the introduction of Cedric's chosen bride, Mrs. Quickly (Celia Imrie), the epitome of a cruel stepmother whom the children decide must be dispatched with as well. Of course, in the process of planning Mrs. Quickly's exit, they are surprised to discover that Nanny McPhee might not be so bad afterall, and they might do well to listen to her.

This was definitely a good movie for children, and I found it to be fun to watch as well. It was ridiculously predictable, but the lack of surprises didn't ruin the story in the slightest. Much of the film consists of the many pranks that the children pull in order to achieve a specific goal, and all are silly and fairly innocent. There were many moments of humor, and even more so for the kids in the audience; but overall this movie was easy to watch and quite harmless. If you're going to spend atrocious amounts of money by taking your kids to see a movie, then this is the one to pick. You definitely won't be wasting your money.

Final Destination 3

2006-02-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

If you don't like any of the Final Destination movies then don't even bother with this one, because it is basically identical to its predecessors. There is one new tiny twist, but for all intents and purposes, this sequel merely serves up a fresh batch of teenagers to be mercilessly slaughtered by Death before one or two of the central characters figures out how to temporarily beat Death's design. If you liked either of the first two Final Destinations then I guarantee you will like this one as well.

This time Death decides to kill a group of teenagers on a rollercoaster. But, once again Death is unable to resist being a smug little showboat about his grand design, so he allows one of the teenagers, Wendy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), to have a premonition about it, presumably so he can impress her with his grandiose strategical skills. Wendy is a little less inspired than she is frantic after having seen precisely how she and her classmates will die, so she insists on being let off the ride before it begins. Sure enough, the roller coaster crashes in a freak accident mere seconds later, leaving those who disembarked along with Wendy now squarely in front of Death's crosshairs. And Death is super pissed this time, understandably annoyed that his meticulously plotted design has been thwarted all because he had to show off to some chick that he was going to kill anyway.

Death gets to work immediately, first killing off the less important characters in the most sadistic manner imaginable so that the main ones can be left for a suspenseful scene at the end of the movie. Death, always thinking about building dramatic tension. For a good portion of the time Death seems content to just cause the wind to blow ominously every time there is a pause in the dialogue, but since he's no slacker he gets right back to work coming up with ridiculously complicated cause/effect procedures for the next kill. Meanwhile, the hopeless teenagers scramble about looking at pictures of themselves taken right before the freak roller coaster accident in order to determine how Death plans to kill them on his second attempt. Not all of the roller coaster survivors take Wendy seriously, however, so they are punished for their lack of faith by dying in grisly yet wonderfully orchestrated death traps.

I seriously didn't realize how incredibly pissed Death was at having failed with his roller coaster plan--he's really getting a bit uptight lately. The death scenes were actually comical in their gruesomeness, but I suspect that this was intentional. And perhaps I've finally become desensitized to bad dialogue, but I didn't think the script or storyline for this film was all that terrible--at least, not for a movie of this sort anyway. There's nothing really surprising in this movie for those who have watched the first two films, although the level of gore in this one was a bit of a jolt. I suppose the lesson here is not to mess with Death's design when it's "that time of the month" for him. I have to say I was definitely entertained though, at times laughing even as I felt extremely tense.

I recommend Final Destination 3 to anyone who liked the first two movies, or to anyone who enjoys teenybopper horror films. Me, I'm anxious to see what they come up with for the next sequel. Final Destination 4: Death Vs the I.R.S. Whoever wins, we lose. Damnit I should have been a Hollywood screenwriter!

Firewall

2006-02-14T23:54:00.000-08:00

Apparently bad guys have still not figured out that Harrison Ford, while 60-some years old, will simply not stand for anyone threatening his family/national security/powerful religious relics/peace throughout the galaxy.

This time Harrison Ford plays Jack Stanfield, a high-tech banking executive who relentlessly devotes his life to protecting the customers at his bank, no matter what. He's a loving husband and father, of course, and therefore always ensures that he is home on time for pizza night, no matter how busy his day at work. After spending the day fending off would-be hackers with clever firewall protection and convincing the new president of the company, Terminator T-1000 (Robert Patrick), that any amount of fraud loss and/or stabbing of customers with one's metallic arms is simply unacceptable, his business partner and friend, Harry (Robert Forster), talks Jack into a quick meeting with a potential new business partner, Bill Cox (Paul Bettany). While this will make Jack about a half hour late for pizza night with the family, he agrees to hear the guy out for a minute or two. Unfortunately, the meeting turns out to be a setup, and Bill Cox threatens Jack with a gun and instructs him to drive home, whereupon he finds his family tied up. Cox then informs Jack that he will either help Cox and his evil henchmen steal $100,000,000 from the bank, or they will kill Jack's family. Ohhhh, big mistake, pal. Nonetheless, Jack is forced to do as the henchmen say for the time being, and he sets to work trying to thwart Cox's plans in the least violent way possible. At first. This proves to be somewhat of a challenge, however, as Cox and his henchmen have put together a fairly solid plan to manipulate Jack into the theft. Apparently this evil-doer is a little more prepared to engage Harrison Ford in a battle of wits and might than some of his evil predecessors.

But still, the man did threaten Ford's family, which is usually the worst of all offenses one can commit against Harrison Ford. Nonetheless, Jack is still willing, at this point, to continue playing nice with the bad guys, and after attempting and subsequently failing in every trick and escape strategy of which he can conceive to save his family, Jack reluctantly resigns to rip off the bank's richest customers in order to ensure the safe release of his wife and kids. Or does he?

All in all, I really enjoyed this movie. While I felt safe in my assumption that everything would turn out ok for Jack and his family in the end, I still found myself quite nervous and tense throughout the last hour of the movie. For a thriller, I was really quite surprised at how suspenseful Firewall turned out to be, as I was fully expecting the same ol' same ol' from this movie. Harrison Ford does his usual, convincing job in the portrayal of an ordinary man pushed entirely to the brink, and while there were a few minor plot holes, the storyline was relatively believable. At least, enough so that I was not irritated with complete implausibility and ridiculousness. To a certain extent, thrillers are supposed to be ridiculous and outside the realm of reality, but this one was a great balance of outlandishness and believability. I highly recommend Firewall, as it is thoroughly suspenseful and pleasantly well-written. Plus, who doesn't like to watch Harrison Ford give bad guys their deserved comeuppance?

When a Stranger Calls

2006-02-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

You know that scene toward the beginning of Scream where Sidney gets a mysterious phone call or two, blows them off at first, starts to get a little spooked, and is then attacked by the ghost face guy? That entire sequence might have taken up about 10 minutes, max. Now imagine that entire exchange being drawn out for an hour and a half longer, and you will have just watched When a Stranger Calls.

I should just stop there, as that's probably the best review for this movie that you will ever get. But, I blew two hours and $17 (including candy), so why not waste another hour writing a more in-depth analysis, shall we? Let's start with the candy: the raisinets were pretty tasty, but my favorite part of the mix was by far the red sour patch kids. I was glad that I had decided at the last second to throw in some reese's pieces, because they added a nice peanut-buttery flair to the snack that would otherwise have made for a rather bland chocolate/sour mix. On the other hand, I was a little annoyed that the reese's pieces and raisinets were so indistinguishable in the darkened theater, as more than once I bit into a raisinet anticipating a reese's piece--it's a very discomforting sensation to eat a mushy chocolate raisin when one expects the hard candy shell coating around peanut butter. I'll never mix the two candies in the same bag ever again, I tell you.

So anyway, this high school girl, Jill Johnson (Camilla Belle), goes out to an isolated house in the middle of the woods to babysit for a wealthy couple. First, however, the filmmakers are careful to firmly establish that Jill is a super-fast sprinter on the track team, which is ostensibly done for purposes of exposition that will no doubt come into play later as Jill runs frantically away from some random ne'er do well. She is given a quick tour of the house, wherein it is also firmly established that all the interior lights are motion-sensor detection, so she will not have to flip any light switches whatsoever, as the lights will come on automatically as she enters a room and go off as she exits. Fairly standard for motion detection, I would think, but not in this movie. The two children whom Jill will be watching are apparently recovering from the flu and were put to bed prior to her arrival, so the parents ask that Jill not wake them up as they will most likely die if returned to a conscious state before morning. So, as soon as the parents leave and Jill begins to settle into some homework, a creepy guy starts calling and doing some serious heavy-breathing. After the filmmakers have exhausted every "false alarm" scenario that they can think of, including the cat that runs around and apparently sets off the alarm system, the stranger finally stops breathing long enough to ask Jill whether she has checked on the kids lately. Feeling sufficiently creeped out, she phones the police and they tell her they will start tracing the calls, which are coming from inside the house. (!) Like, oh. My. God.

I think every pre-pubescent girl has heard this particular scary story many times, and I admit that I used to get that unsettling feeling when I used to babysit, worried that it might actually happen to me. I mean it is a good scary story.

For junior high girls.

There was about 30 minutes of actual story, meaning that the remaining hour was filled with foreboding music and sweeping shots of the darkening sky outside. Literally. My favorite part, however, was when the family cat, who had spent most of his evening running around the house making the lights go on and off, went ahead and ate a live bird. It was seriously cool as hell, and they spent a good 5 seconds on it at least. I was even more impressed with its mastery of the lights, which seemed to be less about motion-detection and more about going on or off when it would be most frightening to Jill.

I don't recommend this movie. Unlike a good horror movie, it was not scary. And unlike a bad horror movie, it was not funny. It was just boring.

Big Momma's House 2

2006-02-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

Well come on, what do you expect? I imagine that if you find yourself in the theater watching this movie then you are either:

a). someone who likes dudes in fat woman drag
b). a huge Martin Lawrence fan with undying loyalty and devotion
c). sacrificing yourself for the good of mankind (me)

FBI agent Malcolm Turner (Martin Lawrence) has married Sherry (Nia Long) from the first movie, and in typical fashion she has demanded that he give up his Porsche and dangerous field work in favor of a minivan and a desk job. Malcolm dutifully complies, and the FBI sends him out on a vital mission that is crucial to our domestic security: teaching children about safety while dressed in an eagle costume. He's not completely happy about his new job, but with a baby on the way he's willing to sacrifice his professional goals. Nevertheless, nefarious schemes are still afoot, and Malcolm's former mentor is shot and killed while undercover. As is customary for the FBI apparently, Malcolm's boss orders him to keep his nose out of the investigation even though he is by far their best field agent. Not to be deterred, however, Malcolm quickly discovers that the main suspect in the case is business executive Tom Fuller (Mark Moses), so he decides to go undercover as Fuller's nanny, unbeknownst to his superiors at the FBI or Sherry. And what identity should he choose but that of Big Momma! On comes the fat suit and the hilarity!*

Big Momma/Malcolm is unfortunately not prepared for all the housework and shuttling of children that is required for his cover to work, so he has to come up with clever ideas in order to trick Mrs. Fuller (Emily Procter) into thinking that he has completed the nanny's daily responsibilities. He isn't sure how to fix breakfast for the kids, but, thinking fast and on the fly, he pulls a MacGyver and pours the milk directly into the cereal box! Similarly, rather than waste time trying to decipher the complex instructions on the washing machine (pour soap, press start), he improvises and throws the family's clothes away. Haha, Mrs. Fuller will never notice! Pure comedy. Next he sets to work fixing the family's problems--little Carrie Fuller isn't a good cheerleader, so he teaches her some moves. Andrew Fuller eats brillo pads and flings himself off high kitchen appliances, so Big Momma just calls him "two kinds of crazy" and moves on. Having nearly forgotten about his actual mission up to this point, he snoops around the house for a bit and copies some random files on the Fuller's home computer. All in a day's work, really.

This movie actually wasn't horrible, and I did find myself smiling here and there. Martin Lawrence himself is just an all-around entertaining and funny guy, so even in the context of this movie he was still relatively fun to watch. The Big Momma character was harmless enough, and provided a mild source of general pleasantness, but as a whole this movie was pretty uninspiring. Granted, Big Momma's House 2 certainly isn't meant to be anything other than a silly little comedy, but I don't think it's worth a $10 trip to the theaters unless you are into this sort of throwaway humor. Besides, there is probably a Big Momma's House 3 in the works, as Malcolm outright threatens the audience with another sequel at the end. He warns to keep a lookout, because you never know when Big Momma will return--so you know, stay on the edge of your seats.

*film is not hilarious

Annapolis

2006-02-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

You'd think that a movie centered on the Naval Academy, with the tagline "50,000 Apply, 1,200 Are Accepted, Only the Best Survive," along with, say, previews that suggest a young cadet's struggle to become a leader under the grueling training of his Lieutenant, would therefore actually be about the difficulties in becoming a Naval Officer. But no, you would be wrong. This movie is about boxing. Haha, suckers!

No seriously, this movie really is about boxing. Yes, I was pretty confused as well, but nevertheless, that's the plot. Jake Huard (James Franco) works in battleship construction across the lake from the U.S. Naval Academy, and dreams of one day becoming a Naval Officer by attending the prestigious and selective school. He bides his time on the waitlist, however, and keeps in excellent physical condition by competing in the boxing ring. Cleverly, the filmmakers demonstrate Huard's toughness in the opening scene, when he is nearly knocked out and defeated at the hands of a superior fighter, only to get back up again and keep fighting, winning the round through sheer determination of will. He gets accepted into the academy the following day, ostensibly because one of the officers at the academy spends all his spare time in local boxing rings scouting for undiscovered talent. Again, I'm not making this up--one of the officers really was present at the local match, just hangin' out. So, despite Huard's mediocre grades and test scores, the Naval Academy makes an exception to their "best of the best" rule, which must be more of a guideline really. It's important to note that his father does not support this decision, and feels that Huard would best be served to join the workers union and never pursue any of his goals or dreams. I'm sure his father will not later realize that he was wrong and subsequently tell Huard that he is in fact proud. Surely.

For their first year of training, the cadets are introduced to Lt. Cole (Tyrese Gibson), who has served an astonishing three whole years in the Marines already, and is therefore the meanest motherfucker you have ever met! Huard's other superior officers include the sexy Lt. Ali (Jordana Brewster), and none other than Donnie Wahlberg himself, who has apparently left his New Kids on the Block days firmly behind him, and now just wants to kick cadet ass..."step by step." I'm sorry-I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. Huard has little difficulty with the physical training, but he struggles with his academics and is routinely humiliated in front of his class for not being able to remember the latitude/longitude of Annapolis! What a doof! It is at this point in the movie when what appears to be a boxing "subplot" actually becomes the main one, and Huard decides he's going to devote every second of his free time to practicing for "Brigades"--the school-wide boxing tournament held at the end of every year. One would think that as he is on the brink of flunking out, that he would instead consider studying, but well, we've already established that he's an idiot. He enlists the help of Lt. Ali to help him train, and the rest of the movie is essentially a musical montage of his boxing practices. Furthermore, despite the fact that Huard makes a point to tell his buddies about the cadets who get expelled for dating each other, and Lt. Ali's re-emphasizing the "no fraternization" rule, she is helpless to resist his charms and the ridiculous "oops I fell over scene" actually takes place.

In the span of 3 minutes, every line from the "How to Make a Movie for Dummies" book was hurled at the audience in full force. I mean we're talking some serious boxing/climactic sports moment clichés here:
-"That's my boy right there, that's my boy!" (x1)
-"He's gotta pace himself" (x2)
-"He's gotta slow it down" (x2)
-"Stay off the ropes" (x3)
-"Yeah, that Huard's a tough kid"/"he's a tough kid" (x2)
-"Yeah, stay down!" (x1)

I even heard someone yell "Defense!" a couple of times, apparently delirious and under the impression he was an extra in Glory Road rather than Annapolis.

It wasn't just the absurd overuse of clichés that irritated me about this movie--it was also extremely boring, with some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard in my life. It was like watching the convergence of all the worst elements of film in a cinematic particle accelerator--it actually would have been funny if the filmmakers weren't taking this movie so seriously. Don't spend $10 to see this movie in the theater, don't rent it, don't buy it, don't even look at it. You'll only encourage the filmmakers by reacting to it. Just walk away.

Last Holiday

2006-02-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what is it about Queen Latifah that makes her so damn likable? It honestly seems near-impossible to dislike her movies (Taxi probably being an exception), because every time she is on screen I just can't help but smile. It makes complete sense then, when all the other characters save but a few enjoy her presence as well, because to do otherwise just seems idiotic. It would be like hating sunshine.

Georgia Byrd (Queen Latifah) works as a cookware sales clerk at a Crate and Barrel type store, where she secretly harbors a crush on LL Cool J, or more specifically his character, Sean Matthews--a coworker in outdoor sales. She is of course too shy to talk to Sean despite the urgings of another coworker, who constantly tries to convince Georgia to wear sexier clothes and flirt with Sean. Instead, Georgia goes home every night, cooks delicious recipes by Emeril and then feeds them to her young neighbor, Darius (Jascha Washington), while she eats Lean Cuisine and pores over her "Possibilities" book--a collection of places, food, and people that she wants to visit/eat/meet someday. And oh yeah, she cuts out pictures of her head and pastes them onto bridal pictures, with coworker Sean as the groom--which is totally not creepy in any way. As it happens, Sean seems to have a crush on her as well, but just when it seems that he is going to ask her out, Georgia hits her head and has to go in for CAT scans, which reveal that she has a terminal illness and just three weeks left to live. HAHAHAHA! Oh it's so goofy and funny. Anyway, her HMO won't cover the $340,000 operation, so she decides to liquidate her retirement funds and dash off to a ski resort in the Czech Republic, where she checks in to the $4,000/night presidential suite at the Grand Hotel Pupp. She intends to live out her remaining weeks to their fullest, with spa treatments, snowboarding lessons, base jumping, and by tasting everything on a menu prepared by world-famous chef, Didier (Gérard Depardieu).

As it happens, Matthew Kragen (Timothy Hutton), the owner of the Crate and Barrel type store where Georgia just quit, and his mistress are also at the resort, along with Louisiana Senator Dillings (Giancarlo Esposito) and Congressman Stewart (Michael Nouri) to work out a deal that will save Kragen's failing business. When they see the hotel staff eagerly tending to Georgia's every need, they assume that she is someone extremely rich and important, and make efforts to ingratiate themselves to her. While Georgia simply wants to relax and do some of the things she has always dreamed of trying, everyone else desperately attempts to figure out who she is. With the exception of Kragen, they all soon find themselves quite taken with her good natured and devil-may-care attitude toward life. As for Georgia herself, she learns a valuable lesson about living life to its fullest, teaching herself as well as everyone around her to make each day count. I'm sure you get the idea.

The plot itself is nothing special, but what makes the movie interesting and worthwhile is Queen Latifah herself. As with all the characters in the story, the viewer too wants to spend more time with Georgia and hopes the best for her in the end. There were a few laughs here and there, but mostly I just smiled throughout. Basically the whole movie felt like a great big warm hug with a few home-baked cookies on your way out. Good cookies too, not burned at all.

This is the perfect movie to see if you want a picker-upper, and I can't stress enough how curiously enigmatic Queen Latifah is as the star. But I still won't go see Taxi. Women will probably be more into this than men, but it's nice and pleasant enough such that it won't bother you if your girl drags you along.

Hoodwinked

2006-01-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

Hoodwinked is a great movie for kids, but anyone over the age of 10 would be advised to skip this film entirely. A sardonic alternate version of the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale, this movie fails where Shrek succeeded. I'm sure kids will greatly enjoy it, but the crossover appeal to adults is virtually nonexistent, as Hoodwinked is only mildly entertaining at best.

When Little Red Riding Hood aka "Red" (Anne Hathaway) enters her Granny's cabin in the woods, she finds the seemingly "Big Bad" Wolf (Patrick Warburton) disguised and laying in ambush for her. Just when it seems as though she is about to be eaten, her Granny (Glenn Close) bursts out of the closet all tied up, and an axe-wielding woodsman (James Belushi) crashes through the window, ostensibly to save everyone from the wolf. However, when the police arrive moments later, everyone is taken in for questioning by Nicky Flippers (David Ogden Stiers), where four different versions of the events leading up to the cabin scene are given by the aforementioned characters. The incident is somehow intrinsically linked with the recent thefts by the Recipe Bandit, who has been putting local bakeries out of business by stealing all of the recipes in the woods. Granny's famous baked goods are the last remaining recipes to be stolen, so presumably, the showdown at Granny's cabin holds the clues to uncovering the identity of the bandit.

The problem with this movie was that the humor was much to obvious and overused--not just in this film but in many, many animated films before it. For example, Gramma is an extreme sports addict and talks like a young hipster--this was pretty funny in the Boost Mobile Phone commercials last year, as well as in the Shrek movies, but come on. It's not just inherently funny to watch an old grandma skiing down the slopes or bungee jumping, there has to be more to it than just that. There needs to be something clever behind the image itself, but unfortunately this was not the case.

There were some moments that I found amusing, a few lines here and there that made me smile, but on the whole the movie was rather boring. I started feeling a bit hopeful by the middle, when it suddenly got a whole lot better, but things quickly tapered off again by the end, leaving me with a definite taste of mediocrity. The Wolf's photographer, an excitable squirrel named Twitchy, was perhaps the movie's saving grace, as every scene in which Twitchy appeared was one in which I heaved a sigh of relief. To a certain extent, the other characters were reasonably entertaining as well, but only in brief snatches of time that were always followed by something hopelessly lame. The film really shot itself in the foot, however, when it chose to have the rabbit character voiced by Andy Dick--I trust that no further elaboration on that point is necessary.

As I said before, this is a movie that a lot of kids will really like, as the humor is very simplistic and innocently juvenile. It's not quite as toxic as something along the lines of The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, which had me practically spitting with rage, but this is still not the kind of animated film that adults will enjoy on a different level from kids. What I'm saying is that it won't kill you to take a kid to see this movie, but I don't suggest going to see this of your own volition. You won't be pleased. Five years ago, Hoodwinked might have passed for something a lot more amusing, but after two fantastic Shrek movies and a zillion other Pixar films, this movie just doesn't make the cut to the Varsity level.

Dude, that's so Snakes on a Plane

2006-01-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

Or, as Samuel L. Jackson would say, "Snakes on my motherfuckin plane, motherfucker!"

This is now the film I am most anticipating in 2006. Snakes on a Plane. I mean there they are, they're on the plane and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. When filmmakers tried to change the title to Pacific Air Flight 121, which sounds boring as batshit, Samuel L. Jackson flipped the fuck out and reassured everyone that no, the title for this movie will remain Snakes on a Plane. I must say his decision to star in this movie more than makes up for The Man.

So will this movie be any good? Of course! I mean there are snakes on the plane! Snakes! I don't see how this could go wrong.

So, the next time your flight is delayed or you get stuck in the middle seat, just remember that it could be worse. There could be snakes on the plane. And Samuel L. Jackson won't be there to bail you out either.

Glory Road

2006-01-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

If you take a mix of Remember the Titans and Hoosiers, then throw in a dash of Air Bud, you'll end up with Disney's Glory Road (i.e. Remember the Titans 2: Slam Dunk). I really can't imagine anyone who wouldn't like this movie, as it is the always-satisfying sports underdog story, told in the context of a real-life event that served to break down racial barriers in the 1960's. It contains all the elements of a fulfilling drama, along with the usual "tough coach who rises above prejudice while teaching his players valuable life lessons on and off the court and despite meeting initial resistance to his challenging methods" thing. Everyone knows what this movie is about, so while there won't be any surprises, you definitely won't leave the theater disappointed.

The movie is based on Coach Don Haskins' (Josh Lucas) controversial 1966 Texas Western basketball team, which comprised 7 black athletes at a time when no other southern school would recruit black players. While other NCAA coaches scamper around the country attempting to convince the top white basketball stars to play for their schools, Coach Haskins travels up north to Indiana and New York to recruit 7 overlooked black players, some of whom doubt Haskins' stated intentions to give them substantial playing time. The black recruits don't meet an enormous amount of resistance from their white teammates when they arrive at Texas Western, but they are instead forced to focus their attention solely on basketball--no girls, no alcohol, and no late nights are a strict policy of Coach Haskins. The proverbial intense amount of grueling training and conditioning is imposed on the team as per the underdog sports movie formula, and some of the players quickly become annoyed with Coach Haskins' traditional style of basketball, as he forbids slam dunks and showboating of any kind. While the university's president faces constant pressure from the school's boosters to get rid of Haskins and his non-traditional recruiting methods, the team itself begins to bond and go on an exciting undefeated streak. Unfortunately there are some nasty and cruel run-ins with racism along the way, as other southern schools are furious at losing to a team with a mostly black roster. Will Texas Western go on to win the NCAA championship against heavily-favored Kentucky and silence the critics? Well, the answer is obvious of course--only if they run the "picket fence" on 'em.

Again, all the elements that one would expect to see in this type of movie are present--a fair amount of clean Disney humor, a "color-blind" coach who emphasizes discipline and fundamentals, university administrators and students who start to come around once they see that their team is winning, a Goliath-type opponent in the final showdown, and of course, an inevitable teach the hopeless white boy how to be cool bonding scene. I also have approximately 1.6 squillion inspirational quotes written down from the movie in case the need ever arises for me to inspire someone with vague metaphysical statements.

The characters were all thoroughly developed as well, so that their reactions to the environment around them, as well as each other, were all the more meaningful and engaging. This movie didn't "teach a lesson" quite to the extent that a film like Crash did, but it was a poignant display of the types of racism that black athletes had to deal with in a national setting. The basketball scenes were exciting to watch, but I think a large part of that had to do with the actors' apparent basketball abilities, as none of them looked ridiculous on the court. So that was nice.

I recommend this movie to anyone who likes inspirational underdog stories that are based on true historical events, but with the additional element of a human struggle to overcome extremely personal attacks. If you think you'll like this movie, then let me go ahead and assure you that you will, as Glory Road is wonderfully successful in accomplishing its purpose.

The New World

2006-01-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

The New World was not at all what I expected. With a strange "diary style" narration and a pleasing emphasis on the natural surroundings, I almost felt as though I were watching an extremely well-funded independent movie. The story seems less about the historical English colonization of America and the inevitable clash with the native populace, and instead focuses on Pocahontas (Q'Orianka Kilcher) herself. It's hard to classify this movie at all, as it wasn't The Last of the Mohicans or even Dances with Wolves. It felt real enough, what with the natural settings and the excellent costume designs, but in the end it seemed mostly to be a relatively believable interpretation of Pocahontas's life following the sudden arrival of the English.

The story begins quickly, with three English ships arriving in Virginia in1607, to form the Jamestown colony. Captain Newport (Christopher Plummer) insists upon their arrival that they live in peace with the "naturals," as they will need to trade with them should their crops fail. At first they are successful in this task, as the English and the Indians regard each other with mutual curiosity and cautious benevolence. As the colonists build a rather wretched looking fort and attempt to plant foreign seeds for harvest, Captain Newport charges Captain John Smith (Colin Farrell) with traveling upriver in order to make contact with the Powhatan tribal king (August Schellenberg) and initiate trade with the tribe. During the trip, however, Smith and his men are attacked by members of the tribe, who then take Smith prisoner. Just as he is about to be killed, the tribal king's favorite daughter, Pocahontas, throws herself upon Smith and pleads for his life. Despite the king's better judgment, he allows Smith to live with the tribe, where he and Pocahontas grow quite close before he very reluctantly returns to the colony several months later. Unfortunately, the Native Americans have grown decidedly tired of the English at this point, especially when they realize that the colonists don't intend to leave but instead want to take more land. When Pocahontas warns Smith of an impending attack, her father exiles her from the tribe, forcing her to live with the colonists and accept their lifestyle.

The narration style of the film was quite weird and took some getting used to. Told in turns by John Smith, Pocahontas, and later John Rolfe (Christian Bale)--another colonist at Jamestown--it sounded like each character was reading directly from a diary written entirely in haiku. All of the narration is told as a recollection of thoughts and feelings, rather than events themselves, which you might think would actually help the audience identify with the characters. Strangely this was not the case.

The thing that I did like about this movie, however, was how real it felt. The settings were beautiful and carefully filmed, making it seem almost as though I were watching actual footage from the 1600's. The interaction between the English and the Indians upon their arrival also seemed extremely natural, as did the harsh reality of failure that the colonists faced during their first winter. All of this was excellent, and yet it was peripheral to the story of Pocahontas herself--important only inasmuch as it affects her life.

This was a decent movie, but I confess that I have absolutely no idea how to rate it. It's a drama with very little action, lots of sweeping views of the landscape (which are quite beautiful), and an artistic interpretation of basic historical events. I guess I would recommend it to history buffs, and to those who like dramatic and innocent love stories. Definitely worth a look at some point, however, so if you don't see it in theaters then make sure to rent it on DVD in a few months.

Underworld: Evolution

2006-01-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

I’m so sick of Hollywood Executives. Clearly they have absolutely no understanding of their target audience, or, for that matter, human beings in general. I’ve no doubt that the planning session for this movie went something like this:

Hollywood Exec #1 (HE1): Let’s make a sequel to the reasonably successful and highly entertaining movie, Underworld.

Hollywood Exec #2 (HE2): Yes, let’s do it. And we should get the same actors. It shouldn't be too hard--Kate Beckinsale actually agreed to do Van Helsing, so it won’t be much of a stretch for her to do a sequel for Underworld. Plus, she sure is hot in that leather suit.

HE1: Oh totally. And that dude from Felicity will probably be a sure thing, despite his breakthrough performance in the XXX sequel.

HE2: Agreed. So, does anyone remember the plot from the first Underworld?

Underworld Writer (UW): I do.

HE1: Anyone? No? Well that’s too bad, because I’m pretty sure that the first Underworld left itself wide open for a sequel. I mean it practically screamed that there would be a sequel, the way they left it and all.

UW: Um, yeah because I wrote it.

HE1: Oh well, I guess we'll start from scratch then.

HE2: So basically, let’s just take Kate Beckinsale’s character and Bill Nighy’s character and explain how vampires and werewolves were created in the first place—and then let’s just throw in some footage from the first movie to tie it all together.

HE1: Sounds good to me, I’ll just have my 8 year-old ~~kid~~ dog write the script.

UW: Um, excuse me....

HE2: Should we review the script after your dog writes it?

HE1: What the fuck for?!

HE2: Good point.

UW: Guys?

Thus was born Underworld: Evolution. I wasn't expecting anything spectacularly mind-blowing, but I was expecting at least a small level of intelligence behind the project. All was not lost, however, as Underworld: Evolution was extremely nice to look at, since the effects were really pretty cool, and the fight scenes were very well choreographed. One has to respect the time and effort spent into having competent stunt doubles perform carefully maneuvered kicks and jumps, rather than resorting to simply to shaking the camera wildly about in order to obscure the fact that some actor looks like a complete goof doing martial arts kicks. Kudos to the computer geeks as well for the werewolf transformation effect, because it looked pretty rad.

The plot for this movie, as stated before, was nothing short of catastrophic. It picks up where Underworld left off (sort of), in which Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and Michael (Scott Speedman) are on the run after Selene slices Viktor's (Bill Nighy) head off. Michael, as you may recall, is a vampire/werewolf hybrid--the first of his kind, and ostensibly a creature with "limitless" powers as Selene theorizes at one point. I could never quite tell what these supposed limitless powers entailed, aside from tagging along and being generally quite useless. For an all-powerful being, Michael gets the crap kicked out of him in almost every fight, but not before he carefully removes his shirt prior to each duel. Afterward, Selene is always forced to feed him some of her own blood just to keep the guy alive. Amazingly enough, however, Selene actually finds this "pathetic weakling" trait irresistible, and the requisite sex scene is awkwardly and gratuitously crammed into the story. Their next step in the plan of attack is to wake up the last remaining elder of the vampire clan, Marcus (Tony Curran), who actually turns out to be kind of an asshole, so after he wakes up they have to go ahead and try to kill him. With bullets. Which will obviously never work on a vampire, but whatever. Marcus decides that he's going to go rescue his brother, William, from his thousand-year imprisonment for the crime of being a big nasty werewolf. Oh and for, you know, killing every living thing in sight so that it transforms into a vicious werewolf entity that can't turn back into human form again. Fabulous idea. So now Selene and Michael--or pretty much just Selene herself--has to stop Marcus from waking up his brother William, blah blah blah.

Perhaps what was most annoying about this movie was the fact that it wasn't even consistent with itself, nevermind its predecessor. It seemed that Marcus would impale some hapless vampire with his wings, which would sometimes kill the vampire but not always. The werewolves could sometimes be killed with a simple knife to the head (not even a silver one!), but other times one was forced to completely rip off its head just to stop it. And then there was Michael--who knows what kills that guy, but believe me, it doesn't take much apparently. Clearly the filmmakers had no idea what to do with his character, so they just ignored him and hoped he would go away on his own. He didn't.

I was so excited to see this movie, but so disappointed when I walked out of the theater. As I said, the effects were spectacular, and everything about the film was visually appealing. I can stand a certain level of inconsistency with movies, especially sci-fi and/or action ones, but this film was just absurd. I definitely recommend it as a DVD rental because it's cool to look at, but this way you can fast-forward through all the dialogue.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-01-17T22:54:00.000-08:00

Brokeback Mountain was an excellent movie--surprisingly deep and meaningful, yet very slow in its development. It wasn't slow as in boring, but I confess I did start to look at my watch after an hour and a half or so. However, all 2+ hours of the film were worth it, as I got to watch a movie that really, truly moved me.

The story is set in 1963 Signal Wyoming--a small ranch town where Ennis (Heath Ledger) moves with his finance Alma (Michelle Williams) to find seasonal work as a ranchhand. It is on one such job that he meets Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal), a rodeo cowboy from Texas who works up on Brokeback Mountain during the summers. A friendship develops between the two over the several months of their employment herding sheep on the mountain, and soon enough one thing leads to another and the inevitable one night of passion ensues as it (apparently) so often does in these situations. Ennis assures Jack the following day that he isn't gay, but then again neither is Jack...mostly. They continue their relationship throughout the remainder of their employment, but when the job is done for the season the two men go their separate ways. Ennis marries Alma and has two daughters with her, while Jack meets a cowgirl of his very own to marry back in Texas despite her father's extreme disapproval. Eventually, however, Jack's path leads him back to Wyoming, where he looks up Ennis and the two immediately resume their old relationship. From then on they meet several times a year up at Brokeback Mountain, which Ennis feels is the only safe place for them to protect their secret, fearing that if anyone found out then the two would surely be brutally attacked and murdered.

This movie's plot was very slow in its development, as the story covers nearly 20 years of Ennis's and Jack's lives. While Jack would be content to leave his wife and buy a ranch for both him and Ennis to run, Ennis fears that society will never allow him to have the relationship with Jack that he truly wants. Each of the two men struggle with their desire to be together and the various barriers that prevent their ultimate wish from its fulfillment. Ennis's struggle is almost entirely within himself--his fear of a violent and deadly societal repurcussion along with his own guilt at deceiving his family. Jack is less conflicted about the relationship, but is unable to convince Enus to leave his wife for a more unconventional lifestyle.

What I really liked most about this movie was the ease with which I was able to empathize with the characters--and I really don't think that this reaction would be limited to female viewers. I did manage to drag my date to this movie despite some hesitancy on his part, but I was surprised that he liked this movie as much as I did. It's not necessarily a story about two gay men attempting to hide their relationship from the outside world--it's about two people who make a strong connection despite their heterosexual natures, and must struggle with guilt, fear, and a seemingly uncontrollable need for each other's company. I really felt for both of these guys because their situation was so impossible, as they were constantly trying to reconcile their conscience with the relationship.

I definitely recommend this movie--to men and women, but only if one doesn't mind slow-moving and deliberate storylines. This is a movie about normal people and their innate need to pursue happiness within the tight constraints of the societies in which they live. The movie was extremely powerful and moving, and anyone who likes meaningful stories will enjoy this film. The acting is superb, the settings are beautiful, and in the end I felt that I more than got my money's worth.

Match Point

2006-01-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

The film's motto is "I'd rather be lucky than good," and no one learns that lesson better than the characters in this movie.

Chris Wilton (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) is a poor boy from Ireland, who nearly got his big break playing professional tennis...but not quite. He finds himself teaching tennis lessons in London in order to make ends meet, when he meets Tom Hewett (Matthew Goode), who introduces him to his sister, Chloe (Emily Mortimer). While Chris is certainly fond of Chloe, what he really likes most about her is her family's immeasurable wealth and influence, especially when her father offers him a lucrative position at one of his many businesses. Complications arise, however, when Chris is introduced to Tom's seductive fiancée Nola Rice (Scarlett Johansson), a struggling actress with whom he has an instant and irrepressible physical attraction. While Nola is less amenable to the idea of cheating on her fiancée than Chris is, as soon as her relationship ends, she is more open to his extremely aggressive pursuit of her. Now one might think that Chris, who has ostensibly married Chloe for mostly practical reasons, would therefore be extremely cautious in his infidelity, such that he would not hook up with Nola in the backyard with Chloe's entire family inside the house. But no. You would be wrong.

As Chris further entrenches himself in an illicit affair with Nola, he finds that it is becoming increasingly stressful to maintain the separation between his ever-demanding mistress and sweet but clueless wife, especially when Nola becomes adamant that Chris confess his affair to Chloe and divorce her. Meanwhile, Chloe wants to have children and starts demanding that Chris have sex with her every morning, to which Chris responds with a curious irritation at having a wife who wants to have sex all the time. (?) Eventually, however, with two crazy screaming women badgering Chris from all sides, he must find the most drastic solution imaginable to his problem without losing his opulent lifestyle.

This movie was quite good, I must admit. It was not what I would necessarily describe as a thriller, and yet throughout a good portion of the film I felt extremely tense and nervous. I wasn't sure whether I should root for Chris to escape the situation unscathed or whether to cheer for his ultimate ruin, but regardless I was extremely invested in the story and its eventual conclusion. It was surprisingly easy to identify with most of the characters, especially Chris, as despite his rather loose moral code he acted fairly rationally throughout the film (aside from some ridiculously obvious trysts with Nola wherein they could be discovered at almost any moment).

I would recommend this movie to those who wish to see a serious study of human nature within the context of someone willfully placing himself in a no-win situation--having to rely on his own wits and a fair amount of luck in order to navigate an increasingly complicated set of circumstances. Whether he is successful in his strategy and whether luck is with him or against him at the end is literally not clear until the last minute or two of the movie. Although this is a Woody Allen film, it certainly does not conform to his usual style, so don’t expect some goofball comedy if you choose to see Match Point. I recommend this flim as it is an exceptionally well-done movie and certainly worth a look.